Always Learning

As the title states today I learned something new, well realized anyway. Before that though I was able to sleep about 4 and 1/2 hours last night so that is improving. Still I was tired this morning as I headed out to tackle the day. The day went fairly well and I am really glad that I am teaching and chose to go forward in faith that He would provide for me to go forward. Teaching is the one area where I feel really useful. I actually tried going to one class minus my cane for support and did OK. I am more aware of the restriction on my left leg without it. To see the students enjoy learning and interaction is great! I even heard some of them tell me how they were enjoying the class and learning a lot. Back to my new learning, as I was leaving I always walk through an area like a portico of tables set up for people to eat, drink and study at. Well as I was walking I noticed that someone had dumped their ice from a cold drink on the carpet. Instantly I realized that should my cane or foot hit and slip on the large ice cubes I will be going down amongst the tables and chairs. While I was able to maneuver around the enemy 'cubes' I discovered a new enemy. Just like puddles of water were discovered the other day with all this wonderful rain we have had. Being that as I tried to step my left leg over a puddle of water as I stepped down into the street in my efforts to cross, I failed to clear it. As my foot hit the puddle it brought back memories of being a child. The reason my child entered is because with little control over my left foot is hit the pavement with force just like a child jumping into the puddle with both feet to see how high the water can go. Life is an adventure for us all, mine has just gone into a new area for me. I constantly recall what Kate wrote when she said I would have to learn a new way, my paraphrase. I am learning a new new all the time and gaining a new appreciation for those around us. Being a psychologist I love people watching but now my focus has added what skills and abilities so many of us, me included take for granted. I have grown to appreciate even more how Blessed I am in what I have and I am continued to be Blessed......

Never Ending Tuesday

Well it is a little after 11 pm and I am finding it hard to sleep yet again so I thought I would add to my blog and maybe that will help to tire me. I realized today just how much people look past people and not at them. I knew this before being in psych0logy but having my condition of my leg working about 33% changes my view. My first example was first thing this morning as I entered the building on my way to my office to prep to teach I catch the elevator for my floor. I have not gotten brave enough to do the stair escalator yet. Anyway I was about fifteen feet from the two elevators and there were two people waiting for the elevator to take them up also. Well, both opened at the same time to go up and guess what? Each person made the elevator personally theirs closing the doors as I approached. I guess both taking one elevator so one was still available for the next person was a bit much to expect. So they both stared at me hobbling along with cane in hand towards them as their doors closed. I wondered if they were going to the same floor. Later on as I was making my way to Beth's office for my taxi ride home I started on my two block walk. I crossed my first street and headed for my second street to cross and then just up a block to her office. Funny but now the walk - don't walk signs and traffic lights changing are really important to me. Not having the ability to move quickly I time it out. I was watching and the little person walking that was lit up was still there, the flashing orange hand had not shown and I was nearly to the corner. Could I actually make it? Well some people also walking the street seemed to stop right in front of me so I had to make my way around them with my cane and bag over the shoulder. Well just a few made it so the evil flashing hand was in place and the light changing. As I passed or made my way around a person I said "Oh excuse me, sorry" which I know was a bit of sarcasm [which I teach my students is never constructive] but it got the best of me. That is when I realized, was I oblivious to the needs of others when I was all good to go? Being honest I probably was, I mean they are not purposely being rude or mean but did I ever take a minute to see if my action could make life easier for them? Don't get me wrong many hold a door for me and such, though some today kept moving and let it close on me. I just never realized how walking around people makes such a difference when walking is strenuous like it is on me. Going the two blocks was more than enough where my left leg was shaking when I picked it up to take a step, so every step was important. I use to take steps for granted and thought all could but some cannot. That being said this not sleeping is beginning to have a pattern to it and I will talk to the doctor in the morning. Since being up all day Sunday I have had a total of seven hours of sleep up to tonight, midnight Tuesday. I am not tired like I usually would get though so it is new to me.

Monday October 26th

Everyday is a new adventure for sure. I was only able to sleep for two hours last night for some reason. I don't know why sleep was so hard to find but it was elusive the last two nights, so I hope tonight is not a three-peat. I also had a physical therapy visit today and Andy had me doing leg weights at 30 pounds where before I was doing only 15 pounds per lift. I am guessing this means the leg muscles are getting stronger. I see my foot moving and I don't know if it is moving more than before which made me wonder if it is really moving. Given this I asked Andy and he assured me that the foot is moving and is continuing to grow in movement. The therapy was tiring but that is a good thing as it means it is pushing me to grow. I also asked the doctor if I could cut down on my anti-seizure medicine and am waiting on an answer. I have seen so many people being helpful and offering me help. Well I tried sleeping again and no good. : ( So I have the ever faithful cat Bambi next to me watching Legally Blonde on tv. It actually is not that bad a movie either. Maybe this is one of those phases they spoke of saying sleep patterns can be off and unique all their own. I guess I can get a jump on my classes for the morning and then this weekend I get to look forward to seeing Molly, granddaughter, for a few days. That will be sweet, just like her! :)

Saturday

Today was a very short day for me. I took my medicine to sleep and deal with my headaches and actually got up past 9AM. Well as the day went my energy level did not go up at all. I actually fell asleep on the couch from about 1 til 4. I don't know if the busy week took its toll or what but unlike my normal routine of fighting and going forward no matter I decided to take friends advice and listened to my body. So I took it easy and rested. Sorry for the short update but I am going back, yes you guessed it, back to resting.

October 23

Well I had my doctor visit today and found out that there is a small tear in my colon wall causing bleeding. They are not sure what exactly caused it but I will deal with it and do what I need to heal. I seem very tired and run down today so I spent most of the day on the couch. Tomorrow I am going to attend something that gives me great joy in life so I am looking forward to it. Beth wants me to sit back and rest but this will give me a rewarding experience. On a brighter note, Beth wanted me to pump gas this morning so I agreed. So on a brighter note here is my experience doing that this morning. As I got out of the car I reached and pulled my 'cell phone' out. Then I realized that would not pay for gas and I had no idea what I was doing. Then I realized I needed my credit card so I pulled it out only to look at the pump and wonder what do I do next. I looked at the receipt dispenser and realized my card did not go there. Then I saw the diagram and was able to figure it all out, pumped the gas and off we went. Funny how not doing something for a period of time how easily we can forget. I felt so foolish not knowing how or where to slide my card in to be able to pump the gas. The day over all was a good one though the weather is wet and damp which does not feel good, but I know I feel completely drained and will rest. I have to listen to my body.

MRI Thursday

Well I only took three Valium this time around before the MRI because I have a fear of being enclosed, claustrophobic. Well it relaxed me nice, the tests were finished and off to the surgeons office we went. Dr Pilcher brought us in and showed us the wonderful pictures of my brain. Technology is amazing! Anyway we saw a picture of the tumor originally and pictures from today. That piece was good to go, no sign of any tumor. Where the tumor was is being filled in brain, meaning I can still gain more movement. Praise Him! I got home and with the assistance of the Valium I slept all afternoon, nice and relaxed. So tomorrow I have some more tests to go through and hopefully they too prove nothing to be concerned with. I am looking forward to my resting tonight also. Take care and thank you for all the prayers. The Dr also scheduled my EEG in November and I may, only may, but could be reinstated with the privilege of driving a car once again! ! !!

Pre MRI

Well what an interesting life this is. While I was finishing my day teaching I got a call from the surgeon telling me I had to get blood work done before my MRI. My mom [76 yrs. of age] ventured down to the city to pick me up as time was of the essence. We got to our destination at 4:05 only to find out the lab closed at 4. Not to be deterred we ventured to a second destination and managed to get the blood drawn so it is a go ahead. Today was a fairly decent day weather wise and I actually slept a bit last night. I am not sure if it was sleeping or if I was just so physically and emotionally drained I zonked for a five hour sleep! Oh yea! So now I can relax and prepare to do the stuff. I get my MRI and then more tests on Friday that have come into the picture. So I have a few busy days that lay ahead. No matter I will still try to rest, relax and take life in... I will update tomorrow as to my MRI findings, tumor gone or some still there. Either way my hair is growing back, my left foot moves, I can pick my leg up and put it into my pant leg getting dressed so I am progressing [with God's help].

Week of Testing

Last night again was not very restful for length but the doctor told me that would happen. One reason that it also was not restful is the MRI coming up, which I am not worried about, but I have to see another doctor on Friday for a different check up. So with that being said facing more than the originally anticipated appointment and new tests I would like to ask for prayers. There is nothing factual to share right now other than I have a Friday appointment with a different doctor. With all that weighing on my mind I am a bit perplexed mentally and worn. I think of those songs I echoed in my mind just before surgery and as soon as I came out, mostly Aaron Schust "My Savior Lives". Then after that I think of little Molly. . . . . she is so cute !

Cold wet Saturday

My sleeping pattern of interruption returned too quickly. I am still thrilled to watch my foot move back and forth. Feeling a bit warm and tired Beth thinks I may be coming down with something. I am continuing to work on my exercises so I gain more and more movement. I know with the headaches and all I am going to take advice given and stay in front of the pain not try to keep even with it. I am looking forward to Thursday when I get my MRI to validate the tumor is 100% gone. If it is not then I will do radiation treatments to address it. Either way I am thrilled to be where I am at today. There is a lot of great news though, I take showers once again standing up as I am able to get in and out of the bathtub. I can lift the left leg high in one movement. I also started this week to get into an automobile by lifting my left leg up and putting it into the car, like normal. It is so nice to begin to do somethings the way I did them before the surgery. Not having had a seizure since the beginning of July it is getting harder to recall them which is fine with me. Andy has me lifting weight with my left leg and pedaling a bicycle using my left foot as much as possible. He is definitely a Blessing to me.

A Cold Thursday

I don't think I should have posted how well I slept for two nights because last night for some reason was bad. I could not seem to sleep more than an hour at a time before waking up with a headache. I am not sure if it was the colder weather or not. I do know that the week is done for clients and classes. I was standing outside downtown Rochester waiting on a ride and I realized that though my hair may be filling in the scalp is still fairly bald. The lovely northeast wind with our lovely 'low' temperatures was too much for me and proved to be an enemy giving me a terrible headache yet again. I had it suggested to me to get a knitted cap to cover my head and ears which I think I will. I will look for a nice "Steelers" hat to wear and keep my little ears and head warm. I thought my hair was filled in but that is not the case. The hair that is there is getting longer but there is a lot of scalp area that is still bald, I need some hair seed. LOL! I am able to still move my toes and foot so I am thrilled and I head to pt tomorrow now that I have increased it to two times a week. I will say though as bad as the headaches can be it is a million times better than suffering one of those seizures for twenty minutes, which I have not had since early July! Thank you God! I pray I can get a good night sleep tonight.

October 14

Well good news is the last two nights I slept for a five hour and a four hour period without waking up. That is a first for me. Last night I sat on the couch and just moved my toes back and forth a little bit and gleamed with pride. I never thought I would take so much pride in being able to move my toes a little. LOL! I have also upped my pt to two times a week to try and gain as much ground as I can while my body is responding. For the first time I am actually believing that I just might be able to drive a standard again. Oh yea! My headaches have been a lower in their intensity also, it could be weather related as the weather has been a bit calmer as far as fronts moving through goes. Classes are going well and the thinking is right there for me. So over all things are going quite well for me. It is still hard to believe that I went through brain surgery though as it happened so quick. In eight days I get my MRI to validate no more tumor exists, which I pray is the case. : ) Take care and God Bless.

October 12th

Well today I got to see Andy today for my pt visit and it was fantastic. He checked out my left foot for movement as I wanted him to validate my thoughts. He was thrilled to see how much I could move the foot up and down. We talked about me seeing him a bit more often to continue working on my left leg. The strength is growing and the foot is moving up and down. What a fantastic Monday this is.

A new week

It is hard for me to believe, realize, that I had the surgery 11 1/2 weeks ago but it has been that long. I can still move my left foot and I 'think' I have more movement and more consistency at moving it. I keep moving it up and I see some down movement in it now. At least I think I do. I have my pt therapy tomorrow and will check with Andy to see what he says. If I am able to move it up and down then there will be hope that I may drive my Trans AM again, being a standard and all. : ) I have another busy week ahead of me and I need to continue to keep it at a pace and relax when I can. I was able to do a little bit of work around the house this weekend and my son Tim helped around the house last weekend. That is still hard for me to deal with. There are simple tasks to do and I need help either doing them or someone to do them for me all together. The headaches seem to stick with me still, Beth keeps telling me to 'stay ahead of them' which is hard for me when I would rather not take medication. I am trying to listen and do as I am told so I will follow that path. Either way the prayers are definitely working as I am still making improvements and my last pt had given up on my progress. Thanks to all. . .

Wednesday

Well today was a hard day, but then I knew they would come. I pushed too much yesterday, went for too long of a day, failed to do what I should have done for Phil. The result was over tired, bad headache [another weather front came through] and only four hours of sleep for the night. Today when my day ended for my commitments I ventured home and took care of myself. Taking care was to lay down and rest, I had very little energy but still a nice headache so on the couch is where I remained for the day and even to now as I update the blog. I think this learning curve on learning how to slow down and give myself permission to rest when I feel I need it. So now back to resting and then to bed. . . . . .

Monday

Well what started off as a normal regular day ended up providing some fantastic ends. My classes went well, my night was normal meaning two and 1/2 hours sleep before waking up only to repeat it again. I must say though I am getting use to the sleeping ritual and I was warned ahead of time that it would happen. At the end of my classes I had my pt with Andy and that is where my surprise came in. Andy asked me to move my left foot the best I could and normally everyone sits and stares only to see no movement. Well low and behold my left foot actually moved, only about one and a half inches but it moved again and again. Then I went to do my leg raises and I moved my left leg all straight higher than ever before for three repetitions of ten. I was so thrilled, progress is progress and without all the support of everyone I don't think I would have been able to do it. It is so encouraging to see and know that I am still going forward, making progress and getting back usage of my leg. It kind of makes me eager to want to see what new gains I can make tomorrow and the day after.....

"Sunday's never ending"

Well here it is again, a new week. I was a bit tired today and so I gave myself permission to rest and take it easy. I also have another first. When I came home from the hospital I had to use a bench in the bath tub to shower for support and stability. Well I have been practicing and testing my balance all week and today I took the bench seat out and put it away. Yes I have graduated and grown up. LOL! I absolutely love making these strides because it gives me encouragement. I am also noticing I am gaining a bit more control over my left leg and the ability to lift it up. The foot still looks a bit of a different color than the right one and it is a bit puffy but the professionals see it and are not worried. So I guess I too will not be too concerned. I am so greatful to all of those who make themselves available to drive me around. If it were not for them I would be house bound every day. I am looking forward to the week and therapy.

October 2

Hard to believe it has been over eight weeks since my surgery, but it has been. Had a somewhat busy day today as usual. Again though I felt real fatigued about 2 and had once again lay down and soon I fell asleep. I woke up after about an hour and tried as hard as I could to get myself up and going but could not. Finally I gave into the need for my body to rest. I also had it reinforced to me today that my periods of fatigue will probably last up to a year. This means that I need to be open to giving myself permission to rest and not feel like I am wasting time. This is hard for me to do because of my life in the past. I am looking forward to the weekend and some time to do a few things around the house so I am accomplishing some things.

A little help from my friends

I am so grateful today is at an end. I had my classes today to teach and during one I was observed for evaluation. A problem for me that I like to move around and be interactive with my students and learners. Well with my left leg not working I am unable to do that. It feels awkward but I think it is probably more me than anything. Still I tried my best but it made me wonder, will I reach a point when I learn to live with my condition and when is that? I don't know. While I was walking to one class, dragging my pull a-long roller bad in my left hand and my cane in my right, I felt my cane kicked out from under me. I couldn't believe it happened. Then I realized it, I had kicked out the cane myself. Luckily I caught my self and did not fall face first in front of everyone. I am still learning "be careful". Other than that the headaches remain and so does my determined desire to progress.