Weekend Update

It would be a lot easier but more boring if I updated this on a daily basis, I think. Had a busy weekend and an interesting one. First off I went to Canada for two days and one evening. I realized how slow I walk when we were walking through Niagara On The Lake. What an interesting learning experience also. We stopped for some lunch and I needed to use the restroom. Well it was located downstairs, it was an older building which is Niagara On The Lake, and then a long small hallway. Then back up but lunch was great. We walked and I tried to remember which stores were around. Not all of it came back to me. Afterwards it was back to the hotel in Niagara Falls and an accessible room. I learned that the accessible room was a bit more than I actually need at this point. That was a good thing as about six weeks ago I would have needed many if not all of the installed items making the room accessible. I nice walk and dinner rounded off the night. Breakfast the next morning was also interesting. I was making my way to a table with my cane and a foodtray in the other hand. Three ladies in their 20's were sitting there and the fourth chair was pushed away from the table making it difficult to get by. Unfortunately no one offered any assistance at all but I made it just fine. As I was eating another man came in using a push walker. One on wheels where you can kneel on it as you go. Seeing how seating was not available it was obvious he was going to have to take the same path I did and that chair was still there. As he made his way all three staired as he had to move the chair himself to get by. Not one of them said a thing, but I did under my breath. I said, "You know like me I am positive he did not ask for the condition he currently has and is dealing with." Beth said to me "God has really opened your eyes to this area of life hasn't He?" I answered yes He has. While I was finishing up a fourth came and sat at the chair pushed away from the table. When she sat down she did not pull the chair to the table as I was taught to do as a child. As I was leaving it was barely enough room for me to get by. I will say that she 'leaned' forward in the chair, but did not move it. I told her "Thanks that helped a lot." It is like people who have struggles are invisible to so many people. Why are some like that today and I will be the first to admit I did not notice people being that way prior to this. Well the ride back was interesting too. If you know the bridges at the border there are three and the furtherest one to the north is Lewiston which is usually the most open. Well it took us almost 2 hours to get across and that was with six lanes open letting cars through. It did only take us about 30 seconds to get through on our turn. My sleep has improved again and that was good. I do have therapy tomorrow and I need to tell the therapist that my quads (upper leg muscles) were a bit sore and still are. I have also noticed that when my left leg is growing tired and I stretch it like normal my toes actually stretch up and back. What is weird is that after the stretch I cannot do it on my own. I think this means that eventually I will be able to do it. I am not a neurologist but if I can do it automatically with a stretch but not on my own power that the connections are there I just have to connect them up for me to use. I will check with Andy tomorrow and see what he has to say on it.

Memories

The surgeon told me if my memory was affected do not be surprised. Flash forward to today, Turkey Day, there is the turkey ready to be cut as each year. As I sat looking at the turkey to carve I actually had a hard time recalling exactly how and what I use to use to carve it. Which kitchen rack I set it on, which plate the meat on and such. It was a bit odd to say the least. All went well in the end. Now for a couple of days of relaxation and rest. Last night was a sleepless one so I am praying that is not the trend for tonight. I have not had that in about three weeks. I am doing my exercises and I think my foot is getting a little more straight instead of turning to the outside ankle. The left foot also shakes a lot and I was told that that is most likely the brain making connections with the neurons in the foot again. Let us pray. The headaches well they continue but are manageable. I have no idea what I would do without my multi channels on my sleepless nights........

What a day

Well the weekend was not too bad but I was tired a lot of the time and feel drained a lot of the time. Those around me keep saying "listen to you body, listen to your body" so I try. Problem is as a child, growing up, I instilled in myself that you ignore the body and push, go forward, feel no pain, rest is for tomorrow. I think that this is part of the new normal that Kate said way back in June or July time frame. In some ways I reflect upon that and think how much she was really speaking in a future sense. I am learning a new normal is so many things and will impact my life in many more ways as the days come. My teaching is going well and the students for the most part are pleasing and encouraging to me. I had my physical therapy today and Andy worked me hard. He gave me some new exercises that are at the next stage and I am making improvements. He took some measurements of resistance and strength and I am making strides forward so that is good. I am looking forward to the Thanksgiving holiday and taking some rest.

Looking for the weekend

Well I actually was able to actually help someone else. I actually had more Blessed ability to help someone less fortunate. A lady in a motorized wheelchair needed my help with doors and the elevator. It felt rewarding to be able to help and it also helped remind me of what I still am Blessed with and not what I cannot do. Of course as to sleep, last night for some reason I woke up after an hour of sleep for the first five hours so rest was elusive to me last night. I remind myself that the doctors told me that sleep would be interrupted for up to a year. I know when I was done teaching today and got home I without knowing just sat down to watch a bit of television. After a few minutes sitting I was out for about an hour. When I woke up I had next to nothing for energy. My left foot is still unstable or appears to be to me. I see my regular pt tomorrow so I will ask him what he thinks. It was a positive day over all though. One thing I am noticing is that it takes time for me to accomplish simple tasks, time that many are unaware of because the same as I use to be it meant nothing. Like I say to cross a street meant nothing as I would simply walk, trot or run faster. Not having that ability makes a difference, but a difference I can easily learn to live with. One thing that is funny is Beth and I noticed that on two television shows they had scenarios where a character was injured or stroked leaving some paralysis. The amazing thing is they are both nearly 100% recovered, which Beth reminds me they are television. Still in a way it is motivating as I think, I can achieve that too! My students are very encouraging in all of my classes which is uplifting.

Good Day

Well today was a busy day to the point that I [and I know this would shock Beth] was asking myself why am I doing so much and that I am doing too much. I didn't say that I would slow down but I did think of it seriously. I had a good friend from my interactions with the court work pick me up today for some lunch together. Anne and I had a great time and it was so nice. When I have opportunities like this is it is very uplifting to me because it takes me away from the drive of work and puts me in the focus of living life in a normal way. It is very enjoyable. Anyway after a full day of teaching and lunch I was at the office of my private practice to see clients for the day. That is when I realized just how much I am doing and pushing. Anyway day is done and now I am home. I noticed tonight that my left foot is turning sideways toward the ankle every time I try to take a step. It is as if my foot is weak from over use. I am guessing but it normally does not do that. Last night was a great night as I only woke up two times for about fifteen minutes and then back to sleep for the entire night. I love it. So things are still improving therapy wise.

update

Well I had my physical therapy visit today and it went well. I am improving on the abilities and the stim machine is still doing good work on my left foot. I realize after a day of teaching physical therapy is demanding but I will go forward! Last night was quite restless as far as sleep goes but I am getting use to that. I am wondering if I am going to condition myself so that I do not sleep through the night. My teaching is going great and the students are good also. I am so glad that I pushed to teach and go forward with it. All in all I guess it really is a testament to God that I had the brain surgery mid July and six week later I was working full time teaching, seeing clients in my private practice and doing some other duties also. My head still feels weird, and when the neurologist did my EEG she said she noticed the scar that still has not healed which is where I have banged it repeatedly. I just like going things around the house and working with wood. I love to do wood burning and use my tools to make things like the Noah's Ark I made for Molly last Christmas with all the animals that go inside. So overall life is good.

Nice Sunday

Well it was on the warm side today so I tried to get somethings accomplished. I was able to mow the front yard wearing my brace. I will wear it most of the time now. I got the snow blower out and started it up to get it ready for winter and all went well. Of course I am not fooling myself, I am also talking to have someone available to plow the driveway. With all the lake effect snow we get I will not be able to clear it when we get the heavy snow falls. I still wish I had more ability to accomplish things around the house because I so enjoy doing that. More will come with time I know and I am continuing to make progress. Time will tell, and I have more physical therapy tomorrow.

Looking back

I was thinking back looking at all the medical issues in my life. I use to speak with such pride when asked about my medical background. At the ripe old age of 28 I could state that with the exception of one in and out medical procedure I had no other hospital visits. Since a child I was Blessed to avoid the hospital and someone who has known me for awhile mentioned that maybe that is why the last two years have been so hectic on me. The conversation came up because they asked me how I was honestly doing and I told them I was feeling emotionally exhausted. They knew I was not the type to complain or let most people know if I needed help. The person was also well aware that in May of 2008 I was diagnosed with a kidney stone called a staghorn about the size of a golf ball but a bit smaller. The doctor put me under three times and blasted them only to cut it down to about one third of its original size. In between the first and second blasting's I developed sciatica nerve damage, and went to physical therapy to help it heal. So here I sit today eighteen months after the discovery of kidney stones and I still have them, had brain surgery, left leg is partially paralyzed, and am looking at possibly needing surgery on yet another 'new' issue that has cropped up. I know to some this may sound like I am complaining but I really am not. I am just so use to doing for myself and others. I admit though that I did and do feel exhausted emotionally, kind of like re-gaining strength with the help of God. I have no idea what the future holds but I do know that it will be a Blessing no matter. I am just going to take things one at a time and not let them over come me. Last night was a good night as I slept for about eight hours only waking up two times. That is impressive for me at this point. I didn't wear my AFO brace the last four days because I thought it was restricting me too much in being able to bend my knee. So I wore the old ones that are more just heavy cloth. I realized though on Thursday that my left foot was turning to its side again, so I had to walk very slowly. Bottom line is I made a big mistake because my left foot is sore to walk with. I found out I didn't know as much as I thought I did. Oh well I will use the AFO brace and work the muscles to strengthen the foot as much as it will. My brother told me how some have had surgery done to shorten the tendons up to help strengthen a foot when you stretch them out too much. So in about four weeks I see the 'new' doctor to see if I will require surgery or am healing by the body's own power. I pray that is the case so I can see about getting the kidney stone out surgically as is needed at this point. I am so thankful for my faith and the faith of those around me. I wonder how people who do not have faith, what do they do when these things are before them? I also know that though I am emotionally tired He will give me strength and see me persevere.

EEG Day

Well I went and had my EEG this morning and it went well. I am glad that it is the end of the week. I got home from my EEG about 11 this morning and laid down only to wake up at 3 this afternoon. When I woke up I was still tired and sat thinking about how it has been four months since surgery. I called my surgeon's office and when they get the results I will hear and hopefully be one step closer to driver freedom! I will update more tomorrow as I plan to head off to bed.

EEG in the morning

Well it is 2:40 in the am and I am awake but by choice. I have my EEG first thing in the morning and one piece of it sleeping for about 25 minutes. To do this, like last time, they ask you to sleep deprive yourself. Last time was pre-surgery so it was no problem as I was sleeping through the nights previously so I had the energy. This time around is different, in the last two days I have slept only about seven hours total so I thought no problem tonight. Well like usual I was wrong, I must have fallen asleep about 11:30 and just woke up. My problem is tonight I want to go back to sleep I feel completely drained. Having done my post surgery norm I woke up after at most three hours and cannot let myself go back to sleep. :( I mean what luck I have a night I am finally able to sleep and I have to stay awake. I will update tomorrow as to the EEG though I will not have the results complete.

Flu Shot

Well I seen my primary care physician on Monday and have great news. My blood pressure has always been a problem and has never been lower than 120 over 84 with medication, well it was 102 over 64. My doctor asked if I was feeling light headed because he was surprised. Thank you God! He also suggested I get the regular flu shot especially because of my full time teaching the college students and their hygiene habits. Well I have never had one before so I found out I am one of those who gets the bonus with the shot. The bonus I am talking of is having the flu like symptoms for the next 24 hours. I had a hard time making it through the day today but managed. The ortho brace the hospital made for my leg I think may be restricting my movement so I going to go back to wearing a cloth type support that pulls the foot up so it does not drop freely. Hopefully it will allow me to work the leg and knee more so I can build more strength up in it. I do not know how much longer my window of recovery will last so I want to do what I can. One thing I have learned from this whole experience is that this is my body and I have to take care of it. My sleeping seems to be going more off key lately. Currently it is midnight and I only slept four hours last night and I laid in bed for three hours before getting back up tonight. My problem is I am wide awake, so where is everyone? LOL! People really helpful in rides and taking me where I need to go. I am actually getting use to being a passenger and not the driver. Well my sleepless nights will be helpful when I go for my EEG on Friday.

Sunday November 8

Well another weekend done and week ahead. Preparing for winter my snowblower needed to have some repair work done on it. The challenge I faced was being able to be agile enough to get up and down and back and forth from my tool box to the snowblower. Though it was challenging I was able to finish the job with success. I felt good being able to accomplish that task. I have enjoyed working on my cars for years since my youth so being able to get back to it was nice. Being able to accomplish something around the house made me feel normal and it was nice, especially with the weather being so nice outside today. Friday I have my EEG to check for seizures and measure my brain activity. My next step in the process of healing back to normal.

Physical Therapy Update

Well I had my physical therapy visit today and it was once again a fantastic visit. Andy ran me through my exercises as usual but he added some repetitions to some of them, and weight to some others. In lifting leg weights he had me do ten more reps. What is amazing is he also added a new exercise and we did the added exercise and increased repetitions in the same time period. Which I never thought about til I was done and gone but my speed or ability to perform the exercises is increasing. He also uses an electrical stim on my left foot to try and help make connection with the nerves again for movement. Well the ability to pick it up is increasing and he had me try to gain range of motion this time. I was so pleased with my gains. I know I write about only getting so much movement back but I want to keep in focus that I am gaining. Recently visiting the granddaughter Molly I also realized how much I want to gain leg strength and knee movement. When she would run and turn back to look and laugh as if to say "come get me". I cannot, she is faster than me. So one of my new simple goals is to catch Molly. : )

Will it change

I have waited a few days to update wanting to put something in that was different, new, uplifting. Truth is there is not much to report, again I do not want to let myself go toward a negative mode. Going to a negative mode is so easy for anyone to do and I want to avoid it. Something I see myself facing more and more is that I hear those close to me saying how willing they are to help yet I see behaviors that they are growing tired of helping. My problem is as I recover I am almost at my four month mark. The surgeon told me that that recovery is open the first six to eight months possibly to a year. He did indicate that eight months is a good mark as far as how much recovery or gain back I will get from my paralysis. Well that means I have anywhere from another two to four months to gain more movement. My left foot which has atrophy of the muscles to the point that it sits at a 45 degree angle with the inside up and the outside pulling down. Though the mis-diagnosis or missed diagnosis and my own stubbornness I tried to self compensate for the problems last April. So April, May and June I would mow my yard two times a week constantly twisting my left foot stepping down on the outside which strained ligaments. When I walk the foot shakes when it is tired, muscles fatigued or when I first wake up. I still lose my balance while walking with no brace in the evening. Tonight as I was stepping up from our familyroom to the kitchen my left foot only made it half way to the step up and when I had to bring it back down it turned and I stepped down on the side of it. It was very painful yet again. I fear that if I do not gain a lot more usage then I will be letting down those around me because they are already beginning to act as if I have more capabilities than I do. When Kate said learn a new normal it was more than me, as those around me, close to me need to also accept my new normal. My new normal may be, and probably will be considerably less than I once could do. I am not looking for sympathy but as I struggle to accept what I can and can not do it seems some of those around me are not. I use to walk up and down the stairs to the basement no problem. If there was a task to do around the house, paint a room, fix something on my cars, mow the lawn, snowblow the driveway I would just do it. Now I have to sit and plan, I can only make so many trips up and down, it takes lots of time to do the stairs. I am thinking to myself today, will I be able to snowblow my driveway this winter? If not then I need to decide now so I can have someone plow it to get in and out of the driveway. So many things in life that are simple or easy for people to do are now tasks for me to accomplish. I will strive to build endurance, build strength and gain more movement so I can do more this way those who expect me to be able to do what I use to do I might please. It is hard, I will go forward, I will continue to pray for help and guidance. What ever the final outcome I will accept it and learn to live with my final new normal. I do not want to sound complaining as that is not my intention but maybe if you know someone who is trying to rehabilitate from something that just maybe they will not be able to what they use to be or do what they use to do. They may need help and your support for time to come. Like I say what generated this is that some near me seem to be growing tired of my need for assistance and understanding which unfortunately may not change much and I have absolutely no control over that, but rest assured I will continue to fight to get back every muscle movement and control I can muster! I do so much appreciate those who are doing for me and everything they do. This week while Beth was gone I had people who were strangers to me but heard of my plight and picked me up every morning at 7 am to take me downtown so I could teach. That was so fantastic! I thank them for their generosity to me.

Sunday evening and back at home

Well, the ride home was just as interesting and who would have thought, not me, that three months after surgery I am still learning a new normal. First the plane ride.

Little Molly helped me check my bag into the airport, she wheeled it up to the counter and then to the Inspector. The problem was she did not want to give up possession of it to the Inspector. :( Then she walked me to the security and waved good-bye. As I went through security they as before in Rochester were accommodating and willing to work with me. They did a few things differently in Milwaukee though, in Rochester they only checked my brace for explosive residue after I walked through the scanner which I did not set off. In Milwaukee the waved the wand over my entire body, made me take my belt off and run through the conveyor belt, the hand scanner went off when they ran it over the top of my head. I explained I have six titanium plates holding my skull together. The gentleman then patted me down arm, legs, waist and body just like a police officer. While it was more extensive it was not a hindrance, I thought his thoroughness was impressive. So on the plane and to Detroit, they had a wheelchair waiting as I got off the plane and wheeled me to my gate. I wondered why the planes cannot keep such an accurate schedule if their wheelchairs can? Again, all were VERY helpful.

I did notice though that I have some needs that even those near to me do not stop to realize. It is not their fault, but I do feel a responsibility to inform them. One is that I need people who are walking with me to walk only on the left side of me not the right. I have discovered that I need to walk near the wall so those who are faster, which is most people, can go around me only on the left side. It makes it safer for me to not lose my balance by someone cutting me off. Something else I noticed is that people see me using my cane with my right hand and my left hand is free. So they 'assume' I can carry something with my free hand. Well unfortunately I have to make sure I keep my balance and with the brace on my left foot, restricted movement it is easy to lose my balance and if I have something in my left hand I find it very hard to regain my balance. If it is something of weight then that will throw my balance off. So it may appear to some people that I can carry something or help out and my response may be no. I have seen that when I go to decline it is interpreted by some close to me that I am being unwilling or hard to get along with. Nothing could be further from the truth, but it is hard to for those who are not in my shoes to understand what I can and cannot do.

It is my fault most times as I do not take time to sit and explain to the person exactly why I cannot help or why I need them to walk on a certain side. What makes it more difficult is that I am still learning myself. Like the walkway to the airplane. You know those little declines that are only about 4 inches long? Well they are huge to me as the walkway is already in a decline. It is amazing how many things in life have meaning today that were meaning less yesterday....

My first air plane ride

Yes, believe it or not I flew for the first time since my surgery and it was interesting. I am flying out in a few hours to come home. When I left I will say that the Transportation Authority who checks you through were Fantastic and very Understanding. They really went to meet my needs in a manner to be quick and respectful, thank you. Once through we had to tell Northwest that I will need wheelchair service in Detroit to get to my next gate. What a new feeling, I thought that was at least 20 years off. While waiting for boarding to begin the air line put me in the first row so I would not have to walk back the very narrow aisle which was nice. Well for pre-boarding the counter attendance announced over the pa, " Only those sitting in row one may board at this time, but only row one." Well the only person who stood up to board was me. So the entire area watched Phil walk 'slowly' to the counter and board the plane. I was like the center of attention and that was embarrassing, but I was very grateful for their assistance. Upon arrival at Detroit the attendant was there with a wheelchair to take me quite a ways to my next gate. I must say that was my easiest walk through an airport in thirty years of air travel. LOL! Well the flight to Milwaukee was nice I sat in a center seat but people were most helpful on both flights. It was nice to see the good in people. Eric and Kate picked us up, ready to go and off we went. It was a great visit with little Molly who is growing so quickly. Today after church I will arrive at the airport and make my way through their security which I hope is the same as Rochester's.