New Year's Eve

Well here my kidney stone problem had been silent for months, almost a year. I as did the doctors, knew it would flair up again as it was still there. They wanted to do more blasting of it, unfortunately such was not the case to be. Well I mentioned them in my blog a few days ago and today the kidney stone and today I was able to welcome the big guy back into my life. I felt the pain once again so that gives me another issue to deal with. It isn't new though as the doctor knew it was not going away and only going to return. I was just hoping it would wait about another 6 months. Now I will make arrangements to see my specialist for that. I have to see another doctor for a procedure in two and a half weeks, not related to my therapy or recent surgery. It is a different matter but one I think will be done with and I will be able to cross that villain off the list completely. That will leave the kidney stone and physical therapy only, then of course the headaches and sleeping. I think those will remain for a while in my life, my new friends if you will. Sleeping has become a bit odd again lately, waking up after a few hours and then up and down and no restful periods again. This is something I got use to once and I can do it again. I can do all things with God who gives me the strength to do what I am doing in life. He has brought me this far and will continue to give me guidance and strength in life. With that I have found a lot of peace and comfort. Of course the driving is still an issue. I have noticed that those who do give me rides, some let out their frustration and I understand that. They I do not think realize it shows and that too is ok as I am grateful, very grateful. Have a Blessed New Year!

December 30

Well unfortunately I did not make it to physical therapy today so no .8 of a mile. I will say that with the weather fronts and the high winds with snow has been terrible on my head for headaches. A few more days off and back to teaching. Life is going well over all though. I did my exercises at home though including the treadmill. I try to do as much as I can. The last few nights have been interesting to say the least for sleep. I watched The Battle of the Bulge, an old classic.

December 29, 2009

No there is nothing wrong with the date, it is one year ago today. One year ago today I was sitting in the Emergency Room of Unity Hospital with a left leg that was paralyzed for no reason. They finally took me in and did an MRI only to tell me that "I was fine and there was NOTHING wrong with me." So they sent me home with no recommendations. I spent seven hours there and I remember the physicians assistant asking me if I was sure it was not psychosomatic. Though insulted by that, as if I had nothing better to do than sit in an Emergency Room for seven hours. What was also funny is just before one year ago today Beth had told me that 2009 would definitely be a better year for me health wise than 2008. See in 2008 I was diagnosed with diverticulitis and a kidney stone about the size of a golf ball. The type of stone was called a stag horn and I endured 3 blasting's in the year to try and deal with it plus I suffered from sciatica nerve damage and ended up in the Emergency Room from it. So 2008 was an interesting year and unfortunately one year ago this temporary paralysis was the first sign of what was to be a not so good year after all. Anyway though 2009 was not a better health year for me I sit now and have no doubt that 2010 will most definitely be a better year health wise. I thought it funny how we are facing the start of 2010 in just a few days and how a year ago we thought nothing of what I was experiencing with my leg. What a year it has been, what I have learned and how I have grown. I thank one and all for your help. Tomorrow I have my physical therapy and I am shooting for .85 of a mile on the bike. I would love to do a mile but that would be doing 5 miles an hour on the bike. Who knows we will see and I will let you know........

Full Day

Well to start with I awoke to about three or four inches of snow and ventured off for breakfast with a friend. Next stop was my therapy and Andy put me to work again. I made it all the way up to .8 miles in my 12 minutes. He has increased my other exercises for either weights or repetitions so I can build strength and usage of the leg back. I do notice improvements each time I go. Sometimes like today they may only be slight but none the less they are forward and that is all that matters to me. Once home I shoveled the driveway where it wasn't plowed. I did push myself but that should not surprise anyone. It was tiring and I came in to do some client work about 2. Well needless to say like usual as I was working off I went as my energy went out of me. Next thing I know it was 3:30 and it took me to 4:00 to get my energy back and so I could be up and running. I looked outside and as predicted we had and are still getting that lovely lake affect snow. I am just so eager to awake tomorrow morning to our new fallen snow.

The Day after Christmas

Well a miracle of Christmas this year for me is just being here. It is nice not having to get up and get going for the day. Sit, relax a bit and do something that Beth loves to do, read. Of course my like of material is a bit different. She brought a book about the criminal profiling written by one of the original founders for the FBI. It was fantastic to read and I enjoyed every minute of it. I realized why I love psychology so much and why I went on to getting the PhD's. We are so uniquely made and so interesting to watch. I often reflect back upon my day and how I have handled it. When I walked for the mail today I watched as I tried to take a step normally and could not. Realizing that I was made to take steps and could not and may not walk in a normal way again. Then I started thinking about my age and how as we get older our bodies do not work quite as well. As my thoughts continued I thought that I will make the most of my therapy and gather back as much of my normal as I can get and go from there. I also realized that still after five months of recovery still at 2:30 or 3 in the afternoon I get tired and feel worn to the point of needing a nap. My problem is that if I give into the need after about one and a half hours of sleep I wake up but as so relaxed all I want to do is go back to sleep. I have to fight like anything to get myself up and moving. Once I am up and moving around for about fifteen minutes I am like recharged with energy and ready to go. This may never change as the doctors have told me already. I will learn to work this into my day as I have already begun to do. I just do not want people thinking I am lazy, which I know comes from how I was raised.

Therapy day before Christmas

Well as I reported before my new challenge on the exercise bike is distance and today in my 12 minutes of time I made it to 3/4 of a mile. I am hoping to make it to a full mile in that time by the first of the year. That means that I can pedal at a speed of 5 miles per hour which is quite an accomplishment with what was once a paralyzed left leg. Then I did my weight lifting and instead of doing three sets of ten Andy added one more set so I now do four sets of ten. Andy added a few other things increasing my therapy which I love because I like to push and be pushed to accomplish. Comes from my childhood. When we end our session he hooks me up to the electrical stim machine which stimulates the muscles in my left foot to come to life and enable me to straighten my left foot, which I have been unable to do since last April. Well today when he hooked it up I was able to gain complete movement as I have never been able to do before. The visit was a great Christmas gift all in itself. I am so thankful to all and their help this year and what a year it has been. Between enduring the kidney stones for the last one and a half years, sciatica nerve damage and then the brain tumor it has still been a wonderful year with so much Blessing.

Neurologist's update

Well I have mixed emotions to say the least. Not having suffered a seizure in six months so I was praying that the doctor would tell me I could drive again in one, two or even three months. Also the medication I am taking for anti-seizure is Keppra. I am on 250 mg once a day, I once was on 1,500 mg a day so that is quite a change. So the doctor told me that the 250 mg was a dose that would only last about 6 hours. This means that taking it at 6 AM by noon my body was on its own for preventing a seizure. Lesson is that I no longer need the medicine. I loved hearing that message. Then I asked about driving only to hear that I cannot drive until the end of June time frame. I was defeated, feeling totally defeated. All I heard was "Phil for the next six months you need to ask for rides everywhere you want to go." I have already been a hindrance to enough people and here I have to continue! I hate it, absolutely hate it! What is worse is there is nothing I can do about it but accept it. I hate acceptance, never liked it at all. That being said, yes I will 'learn' to accept the no drive somehow. People have been so helpful they really have and I pray all will continue to be there.

So, that being that the doctor talked and showed me the brain and tumor. His screens are two flat screens each about 25 inches side by side for his computer. He pulled up my MRI from before showing the tumor and it was a big one. Then he showed me the MRI from a few months ago and we see the brain growth. The brain has grown back to occupy about 1/2 the tumor area. I asked the doctor if the brain would continue to expand and occupy the remaining empty area. To my surprise the doctor told me that the brain would not grow back and take back the area that was once occupied by the tumor. So bottom line is the brain is done doing what it will be doing upstairs sort to speak.

Now moving on to therapy. I asked the neurologist if I should continue physical therapy. My thinking was if the brain is not going to take back its space then my regaining use might not increase either. Well my neurologist asked me if I was making gains in my therapy and I responded yes I was. He said that I should continue the therapy then. He was very encouraging here as he said not only can I make gains up to a year but up to a year and a half which is six months more than I previously understood. That is good as I feel I can make even more strides in using my leg.

My neurologist looked at my afo brace for the leg and told me about a foot device that will send electrical stimulation as I walk to help the foot pick itself up as I walk. He said he did not think it would be covered by insurance so I asked how much it would cost. He told me it would cost between 2 and 3 thousand dollars. Wow! That is a bit much, so I plan on talking to my benefit people and see if I can get at least two thirds of it paid for by insurance so I can possibly get one. I honestly feel they owe me that much for all I have been through. Even if I cannot get one I will still make as many gains as I can, with or without them. I just felt so defeated when they said another six months.

I don't mean to complain really I don't but I have my private practice of my clinical counseling and teaching. It is full life and a busy one when I am driving so you can imagine what it is like trying to do that when I cannot drive. I have been limiting seeing clients to only two days a week so I could arrange rides and such. With the expenses accompanied with my private practice I was really hoping to increase to three days a week for clients but I would really need to have free access to come and go. Unfortunately I will not have that freedom so I am revisiting the schedule for teaching and my practice. Christmas is upon us and that too was hard because no matter what I wanted to do I had to talk to someone, arrange schedules and then try to accomplish it. Not having the ability to just go, like working on something in the house. Normally I could just hop in the car and run to the store if I needed something, not now.

With our recent snow fall I went out to try and shovel a bit. Not gonna happen. I tried but I was not able to really accomplish much at all. That does not mean I am not going to push and try again as I will. I am grateful to be here and have those around me who love and care for and about me. So here it is getting late and I need to wrap things up so I can head off to bed. I am wondering if the space in my brain area stays will that cause my headaches to continue for the remainder of my life? I can learn to live with that too I guess.

Terrible Day

Well I am so glad to see today come to an end. To start off I feel terrible physically. I guess I have an upper respiratory infection I am trying to weather as I wind up the semester. I had no voice so I saved it as much as I could for the lecturing I had to do. I managed to make it through all in all. I also called my surgeon's office again about my last test and the medication being cutback, driving and how all is going. Well I have called three times in the last two weeks and gotten no call back even though they have said they would call me back. Well today I finally found out why no one has called me back. They told me I needed to call my neurologist doctor and not my neurologist surgeon, which is who I have been calling. I told them no one told me to suddenly switch doctors so I had no idea. Here I have anxiously waiting to talk to them about reducing my anti-seizure medication to 1/2 of what I was taking or eliminating it all together. Well the good news if I called my neurologist and he will get me in next week pronto. I told them the 'list' of things I need to talk to them about and they were very understanding. Needless to say I was relieved but downhearted feeling like I was lost among the cracks. I will say though these still are the best doctors going as they have seen me this far. So now I have a next step and will keep you up to date.

My weekend

Well Friday was a great day to start my weekend. I woke up early Saturday morning, about 3 am, and I had this dry tickle in my throat. Well when I woke up early in the morning I was feeling really bad with a cold chill and headache. I got progressively worse as the day wore on. As Saturday went on I headed up to bed early in the evening calling it a day and hoping that the rest would do me good. I was feeling worse as the day continued. Well my Saturday night was not a rest one at all! I was up all night trying to sleep if that makes sense. Anyway I got up in the morning finally about 9 ish and came down stairs to the couch. That visit lasted for only about one hour before I went back upstairs to my bed. I stayed there until this morning when I made my way to school so I could administer some final exams. I have no idea what I have but I do know that it sucks. I had to cancel my therapy visit as I do not want to infect someone unknowingly [students don't count]. Just kidding. So tonight will be an early night again as I ready myself for tomorrow.

therapy update again

Well though the process was similar the results are changing. Like last time I put my foot into the strap for the bike and pedaled away. The resistance was set at 4 my highest so far and instead of 10 minutes Andy increased it by 2 minutes. I do not see it as a two minute increase but as a 20% increase. Anyway as I was doing my duty I was watching the distance and saw I had done a quarter of a mile. After a few seconds I thought hey let me go for distance so off I went and I made it to .41 of a mile. My game plan at my next visit on Monday is to do at least one half mile in distance. Andy also raised my weight for my leg lifts which was cool. All around the visit was like a fantastic increase. Of course now Andy will probably expect more and more as I go [which is good] meaning more work for me. He did tell me to work on stopping my compensation to lift the left leg by using my hip and let the leg muscles do the work they normally do. What has become habit is hard to break. Well I can also say that I am tired and worn out from the week. Next week is the last week of classes for my five classes I teach. Exams in all of them, scores and hand out final grades to my students. I actually had some new students approach me and tell me some current students had recommended me as a professor for classes. That is such a rewarding feeling, not to be recommended or liked but to know someone has learned and grown in life and I was Blessed to be a part of it. I am so glad that I taught this past semester.

snow and ice

Well today was my first day to face snow and ice with cane and my school 'luggage'. We only got about four inches but it was the heavy wet snow. I went out and tried to push shovel around the SUV so Beth could drive me to the campus to teach. I was able to do that and clean the car off but I will say it was interesting to work it. Once downtown to the campus I got out and the three inches of slush was real fun to maneuver through. It was an adventure for sure and I actually in some ways enjoyed the change and challenge of trying something new. Of course having my 17" laptop in my case over my shoulder made it all the more challenging as it was a bit lop sided for weight. It was my first taste of what I will face with my new challenges of snow and all. Of course with my attitude I am figuring that I will do and operate as I normally would. I know that will not be the case but I will start there and strive to stay as normal as I can maintain. I am waiting for my opportunity to use my snow blower too. That should be interesting. LOL!

Physical Therapy update

What a fantastic ending I had to my day today. It didn't start off too well but the end was nice. I went to my therapy visit with great results. I actually felt like a child at Christmas. I usually start off on the exercise bike and that is where I went today, only today was something different. Previously every time Andy has had to use two straps to hold my left foot in the stirrup while I pedal. Also Andy has to put my left foot into the stirrup because I cannot control it to put it their on my own. Well today I was at the bike and Andy was busy so I sat down and was able to put my foot in. Yes! After putting my foot in I was able to slide it up to stay in place and begin to pedal. I did my time with the resistance increased and my foot never slipped out once. Then when doing my leg lifts using weights I increased the weight by 2 1/2 pounds and I was also able to move my left foot with a little help even more. What a fantastic day it ended up being.

Facing the week

I had some interesting thoughts this weekend. As I wind down my classes, reading research papers and prepping for their last tests it is a busy time. I thought I would share where I am at in some ways with my healing. When I wake in the morning and a lot of times through out the day, when my brace is not on, the left foot swings left to right at a high rate when I go up or down the stairs. If the muscles in the left leg are tensed up the foot can go into its movement for about 30 seconds all on its own. If Beth sees if I ask her, "Can you do that?" I try to make a joke of it. From what I understand it is the neurons connecting and looking around. The other thing is when I go down or up the stairs or just plain walk without my brace, it is like playing pin the tail on the donkey. Eyes closed, blindfolded and put the tail on him. You aim the best you can and then hope. Well I do the same with placing my left foot. The difference is that I have my eyes open but the effort is the same. I go to place my left foot but it has a mind of its own and lands 'close' to where I am aiming. Unfortunately it is not where I want it but I am getting better at getting closer. So I am working at improving this and we will see what happens.

My brace, I am not sure if I have shared much about that. It allows me to bring my foot up but restricts me from bending it downward. The brace runs along the bottom of my foot so it stays flat and does not twist to a 45 degree angle with the right side going up. The brace runs up to just below my knee. The brace is in a 'C' shape and encompasses the back and sides of my left leg. There are three straps to hold it in place, one at the top, one above the ankle and the last one goes right across the top of the foot at the base of the foot. A problem is when I wear that brace for eight or more hours which is at least three days a week the foot and leg gets weary. It is cumbersome to walk with, hard to pick the leg and foot up to take a step. When I take the brace off the foot is really swollen and puffy. I don't want any sympathy but I did want to share what my life is like. Though the brace is my friend it is also my enemy in that it causes me discomfort and pain at the end of a day, along with frustration during the day as I struggle to walk.

Tomorrow after my teaching I will go to my physical therapy and see how I do. Andy said I am making improvements still so I will go forward. My goal is two fold, one is I want to be able to snorkel again as I love it and the second one is to be able to drive a standard shift again which is my 88 Trans AM. If it is His will that I gain neither that is OK with me it really is. Why? Because I have many other blessings that I will embrace and treasure. I do know that my normal routine is to put up the Christmas lights but not this year. I guess one reason to write this is to help those around me understand that my world is easy for some to put out of their mind but that does not end my struggle to walk, step or move. It is difficult but getting easier. I am beginning to ask myself, "OK am I at a point where I learn to live with where my disability is at? Do I look at how I need to compensate from this point forward?" or "Do I not accept where I am as healed and say with enthusiasm that I can push therapy harder and make larger gains."

No matter I will and am pushing forward and will continue to try to gain more movement and power over my leg and foot. I want to enjoy little Molly and any other future grandchildren that may be coming. They are so valuable and adorable.

Week ending

Well Friday is here and what a week it has been. I am tired both emotionally and physically. I saw my physical therapist today for the only time this week. I had other doctor appointments on Monday and today I could only do therapy for a half visit. I had to have a short visit because I needed to go to another specialist for a different medical issue and have an out patient procedure done. It was somewhat exploratory and I was told to keep up the treatments and come back in a month for a full procedure. I realize that I am being a bit ambiguous on the medical information but that is because it deals with an area that is a bit on the private side. Let me say though that I am grateful that the medical problem should be helped by the procedure I will be having done but to hear that I need to see this doctor a third time for yet another medical problem. As I finished at the doctors my mother driving me to my office to see clients for the remainder of the day said, "I wonder why all of this is happening to you? Why would God do this or allow it?" I told her how I had 50 years with really no medical issues at all. Then I said how the only way I am getting through all of this is with God and the strength He is giving to me. I am far from not falling down and weakening sometimes. I too this morning thought, "are you kidding me? I have to see yet another doctor for another procedure? I am tired of being poked, prodded and anything else!" So after all my clients, their problems of life and offering guidance and direction so they might improve their life and situation I am exhausted. I am 100% ready for the weekend. Without God I could not possibly have done anything and I thank Him for that. He strengthens me so I can do what I can. So if He is giving me strength then I will continue to go forward and give Him glory. In God I am able to do all things, for Him and not for me. God Bless all. :-)

Tuesday morning. .

Well what a few days I have had. Monday well actually Sunday night into Monday I was able to sleep for an hour, my left leg was cramping up, walking was unbearable and my stomach was not feeling the best. Under direct strong suggestion I stayed home and did not go in to teach. That too is hard for me, I worked at GM for 11 years before I took a vacation day or sick day. It was the best thing for me and that needs to be my focus but I am still trying to obtain that focus. Today was nice as we had 'snow' on the ground. Well out Phil went with snow shovel in hand to yes you guessed shovel the driveway. At least my game plan was to shovel around the car and clean it off so we could leave for the day. I like being able to do that. Well let me tell you pushing that shovel with one bad leg was difficult and a new experience. I did fairly well at the task and completed most of it. I also am glad that I have already paid for someone to plow the driveway this year when we get 3 inches or more. This is a first for me as I have never paid anyone to clear my driveway but this morning only reinforced the fact that I did the right thing. Last night was restful and peaceful for me. Life goes on and so does my rehabilitation.