Blogging

Well I haven't put any updates on in a few days. I missed my therapy on Wednesday because of Beth's surgery the day before. I have to arrange rides every morning now to get me to campus. Now my calls for rides basically has doubled and the burden upon others is also going to increase as this past week. I am so thankful that people were so willing to step up and help me out. Unfortunately I caught an infection of some kind from someone and have been fighting it since Thursday afternoon. I had to cancel all of my appointments of clients due to being sick. I also missed my therapy on Friday due to being sick. I think I see a difference in not going to my physical therapy when it comes to my left foot. I am improving though and I am so grateful and I know that I have much to be thankful for and I am. Through it all life is good and life is normal, different but normal.....

Ticket to ride....

Well it was bound to happen sooner or later and I guess it was later. Today I was caught off guard as my ride home from downtown canceled due to illness. I thought no problem I will call someone in reserve and get a ride home. Well such was not to be the case. One by one the rides fell through and so I was sitting there in need of a ride home. So I ended up calling a Taxi service to get home. Oh well I guess it was bound to happen. So now I am home, tired and worn out after another busy day.

Weekend update

There is a lot to say tonight. Friday was my second therapy day I have each week. I pedaled to 1.18 miles and I want so much to reach a quarter which is close now. I am working hard on my balancing exercises. It is strange to try and walk backwards or heal to toe and not be able to stand straight. I mean in my youth I had a hard time doing that but there was a reason why I could not do it. Anyway Saturday was a beautiful day outside and I washed Beth's car up and did a lot of detailing to it. See I have this 'crash cart' for my cars. I cannot begin to tell you how much stuff or the cost of all the things I have on it are. Let it be said that no matter what you want to clean, polish or do on a vehicle or how tight the space is I have the tool or item to apply. It felt so good to clean it up. Then I took the cover off my 'baby', which I call Ladi. She is my 1988 Trans AM and though there was some dust on her the bright red still shined. It use to be when I came home from surgery last July and into August that I could not start her up. See to start her you have to press the clutch 100% down or she will not turn over. Up to September I could not start her up so as I do every fall out comes the battery, cover on until Spring. So I managed to get the battery in her and sat down. To my surprise I pressed the clutch all the way and she started up. What a beautiful sound the flow master exhaust makes! I also managed to paint some of the trim on the bedroom upstairs to try and finish it up. Today we went out to the movies and say Green Zone with Matt Damon. Those who know me know I am a 'Bourne' fanatic. I thought the movie was great. The week looks a bit busy as I prep for my classes. Overall it was a great weekend and was full.

Sunshine

Well today was so wonderful and it was more than just the sunshine. That was a far cry from last night, as my sleeping patterns have been getting worse the last week. Last night was one of the sleepless nights where I was up, down and then up again and then switch positions to try and get rest. Though my night was not that restful my day of teaching was a real upper. Classes and the students were fantastic for interaction. I love the conversation and learning that takes place then. My physical therapy visit is still going strong and I am still trying to make gains whatever they might be.

Funny though how I have such a different perspective on things today about some odd things like my driveway. It can fit four cars in it and I always thought there was not enough room when the children were home and we all drove. Today I had to set garbage out for pickup tomorrow. As I picked up the paper recycle bin which had two weeks worth (I forgot to put it out last week) so it was heavy. As I took a step I would look at the end point, our destination. Each step was slow and methodical so I did not twist my left foot and made sure I picked it so I would not drag it and fall forward. I actually thought how nice it would be to have a shorter driveway. Isn't life funny? Perspective has so much to do with it, I so much want to keep my perspective as a positive one, enjoying the life I have before me and loving those I have in my life.....

Just another day...

Well today was much better as for me and my interactions. Teaching went well and students were interactive for lots of dynamics. I love to see the interactions and growing by all of use learning. I was still worn out at the 3 o'clock time frame. I remembered back in August and the next few months following my surgery. I have no idea if this is just a short term recurrence or going to be my friend again for awhile. No matter I will adjust my life accordingly if I need to. Life has been such an interesting journey the last eight months.

Crash and burn

Today was a crash and burn day. To start off I got a late start to meet some students prior to my teaching. Have you ever had a day where you just seemed to be off track like just not lined up? Well I made it through the day and then I went straight home calling it a day. This is not what I had planned but mentally and emotionally I had to. I started to work on grading and other school work but while working on things I somehow just fell off asleep for about an hour and then woke up. My phone even rang two times and I never heard it. I am looking forward to a restful night and getting my self back into my normal feeling groove....

Sunday evening

Well the weekend is done and now comes a new week and the necessary energy I need for it. After showering I noticed my left foot and some of the discoloring that it has from being strapped down to a hard brace that keeps my foot and leg up to the knee supported as I walk. Beth finished painting the room I started saving me the hardship of trying to maneuver the room myself. The color looks nice. I tried to get as much rest and rehab in this weekend I could setting up my week. I teach in my psych classes that those who suffer a loss are usually surrounded by friends and family for a time period. The time may last two or four weeks but then they slowly flow back to their normal lives as the person who is tribulation is alone looking outward. Beth reminded me of that today in my case, as she watched my last night trying to set up rides and getting frustrated. She reminded me how it has been since August 1 which is seven months worth of rides donated. I am thankful to all of those who have helped me to date and I know the road will be one that is do-able, especially when I have the Father on my side...

Rainy Da'ys and Mondays

If you are a few years older you know the next few words are 'always gettin me down'. One thing I have realized about this blog is you have no idea who, if anyone will read it. Knowing that may impact what someone writes and posts. Today was a not so nice day for me, filled with frustration and more frustration. See Saturday is my day of setting up my rides for next week and so I began my calls. I have had a fear for about the last two to three weeks concerning rides. See this coming Friday is my MRI and it will require someone to take at least four hours of their day and devote it to Phil. I know it is a huge demand so I tried to verbalize it to everybody of what I would be needing. I thought I had two people set for it and so my calls started. Well both of those not only said no to Friday but pretty much no to the whole week and I was really taken back. This left me in a position of having to ask someone who would not be prepared about Friday.

I did get a voice message when I got home Friday from the hospital telling me to call Monday and confirm my appointment. I started thinking (which can be dangerous) I got the call about confirming if I could still make it or re-schedule and the two people suddenly cannot take me maybe I should cancel. The neurologists tell me I need to have one at least every six months to see any changes in the brain or growths. I didn't want to turn negative but it got the best of me and I was, thinking I will just cancel it and do it later. I don't want anyone to think I don't appreciate what rides I get because I do, it is just that I cannot drive myself as I must take medication that will not allow me to drive myself otherwise I would. I know things will work out because I know who is in control, God. Just my male side kicking in and getting the best of me on this rainy cold weekend.

Great days of gains

My day started off today with physical therapy as usual for my Friday. Lauren the other physical therapist was there to start me off saying Andy would be in soon. The bike is always first and I normally do 1 mile at resistance 5 but today I did 1.13 miles the most ever. What was even better was that I never pushed myself to the limit doing a sprint at any time so I could have done at least 1.5 had I tried. The remaining exercises went well also as did my stretching. Andy when he came in tried some new exercises with me which dealt with balancing. One of the main reasons I fall, trip, stumble and everything else is poor balance.

One of the exercises was the heel to toe that the police have you do for a sobriety test. At first I was a little shaky but soon I was able to perform it to where I think I could actually pass a field sobriety by a police officer. He also had me do sidesteps and then believe it or not he had me walk 'backwards' which I have not done since last June. I did need a little help with stabilization as I walked backwards so would not fall but not much. I was thrilled as was Andy at my accomplishments.

The rest of my day was off to see clients and offer them some insight as to bettering relationships and lives. At the end of it all I am tired and ready to relax for the weekend.

Sad day

Last night as I had to head to bed I stood at the bottom of the stairs and just stared. I stared because I had to climb up the twelve steps so I could go to bed. Many around me know that I am seeking to sell and move from this house because of all the stairs. Today I say "all the stairs" because it is so difficult to take each step. The once bouncing down or running up the stairs is not to be for me anymore. I am hopeful that the day will be coming some time soon because of the difficulty I have with stairs. I watch and smile how Beth just walks down them, one-two-three-four to the bottom or top. I am realizing what my needs are in life now and one of those needs is few stairs to use on a daily basis. That is not what is sad though, that as you know is called 'life'.

What is sad is one of the people who has been an inspiration in my life for years, an encourager for years, among other things is not so well. She was there through all of my struggles too encouraging me to recover. I found out she has suffered a stoke and is recuperating. I hope to be there for her as she was for me, prayers I am sure would be appreciated.

Sleepness nights

It has been a busy few days for me, of course the way I set it up they are almost all busy. My nights have been fairly alright for sleeping, a bit like the norm I have experienced. Monday night my first two hours was sleeping in twenty minute increments. Needless to say it made the night very long before my next day of teaching and seeing clients, and oh yea I did a career day presentation at a local high school to about 125 freshman. My energy level was real low and so the night came to an end.

Today I got up and having my physical therapy I put my electrical STIM device on for the day. I taught three classes today and wanted to use it to help my foot. When I go from my office to class or to another class. After one class on my way to my office I simply forgot to turn on my device. As I was walking past the security entrance desk my left foot did its normal lack of muscle control maneuver. See without the device to send signals to the muscles my left foot when it comes up the heel comes up but the toes just drop. With my brace all the foot is kept at a level position so it won't drop either. Anyway, when I am not using either one I have to consciously tell myself each time I take a step with my left foot, "Pick up your foot high so your toes do not scuff the floor and fall". Well after about forty or so steps I forgot one time and the left foot scuffed the ground and I did the three step stumble. I had a student and security ask me if I was OK as I did catch myself. I was OK though a bit embarrassed. It helps me to stop and realize just how wonderful we are made with so many moving parts that all work together simultaneous for each step of each leg not to mention the other things we do constantly without thinking! Life is truly a miracle each and everyday for us all.

Physical therapy went well, I am still making gains in my abilities which is so thrilling to me. I will continue to push and see how much I can gain with God's help.

Stomp your feet

This new journey I am on has many ups and downs, twists and turns to it. Today was no different to say the least. On this journey many times I am reminded of what it is like to be a child. Not because of childish behavior but some of the strides I make are those of a child, as I am re-learning. Today was fairly normal as my days go though I will say the people put in my path were on the good side which I will say was nice. My brother picked me up and we ran a few errands before dropping me off at home. I went to get the mail and with the snow melting I got some slush and stuff on my shoes. Well when I got to our sidewalk and porch area in front of the house I went to stomp my left foot to knock the slush and stuff off. I wasn't thinking as in the past one of the things I could not do was have enough control of my left leg and foot to pick it up and force it down. See I lacked the muscle strength and control. Well up my foot came only this time it came down with force and cleaned the shoe off, just like before! I was like a little child and a mud puddle (I know you parents can understand) and stamped it down three more times because it was so cool.

Sunny Weekend Comes to an End

This was such a beautiful weekend I really did not want to see it end. I held back from doing any more painting around the house so I would not strain my upper quad muscle again. I want to be able to get back into my physical therapy as much as I can. The sunshine was so wonderful to see and feel bringing those desires of wanting the warmer weather. I did clean out the cars though which is something I really enjoy doing, as anyone who knows me knows that. That felt good to do, like an accomplishment. Like so many of you I now prepare for the week ahead. The days seem to rush by so quickly on me as I know I am not alone.

My weekend is about set as I have to set up my weekly 'rides' to be able to get from point A to point B. Of course sometimes there is a point C thrown in there. I call it my intrusion period, though others say I am not a bother. It seems hard to believe that I have not driven in seven and one half months. I think I can actually relate to what it will be like when I am elderly and can no longer drive. The loss of that freedom will be hard to handle.

Nice day

What a wonderful day it was. I am still tired, worn down, trying to trudge forward so that has not changed but I love a day that helps me with attitude adjustment. I hope you can relate, it is not like everything went right but it was God putting things in my path today letting me know He cares. To start with my teaching, I had students from other classes come to me for tutoring which is becoming habit for them. They say I help them learn. [I love to know someone learns]

One student I helped went from a failing grade to almost earning an A on her next test. I love it. Then after giving my one class a test and lecturing I was on my way homeward bound. I saw some of my students and they were thanking me, telling other students how good of a professor I was. I love to see people learn and or grow. It was so nice and encouraging.

As I was leaving I was about forty feet away from the elevator as it opened to go down. A young student saw me and made motion asking if I was heading for the elevator to which I said yes. She held that elevator for me and I was so thankful. It was as if God were saying, I know you need some encouragement to help you through, and I am here. Smiling :-) down on me..... It was so very nice to have a day like this especially when the sun is also shining which is a rarity in Rochester, NY.

What a day

I will admit that last night I was able to sleep more than the few previous nights, and for that I am thankful! Up and going early this morning, off to school for my longer day of teaching. On Tuesday's and Thursday's I have three courses for a total of four and one half hours of teaching. I do have a one hour break in between the second and third classes. After the teaching it is off to my physical therapy to gain more movement and strength in my left leg.

Out of the starting gate I told Andy, my physical therapist, that after my last visit my upper leg muscle was so sore that I could not sleep. I also informed him that I did work around the house and it aggravated it more. Andy agreed to fore go the weight machine with me and focused on the exercises and bicycle. He told me I could set my resistance and the highest I have done it 5.1 . Well anyone who knows me could guess what I did, I pushed it up to 6, I figure why not, I can do, and I can do it so I can play with Molly. Not too long afterwards, I only do 12 minutes, I put it back down to 5.1 and gave in. My new normal has to contain 'give in' or life will be problematic for me.

When I came out of surgery the doctors told me there was o way I could teach in September and I proved them wrong. I was teaching part time, and I taught but I also taught full time. HA! Look at me. Then of course I have my practice and that is hard on me because I have a hard time saying no to people in need. Ok, I don't say no to those who are in need. Well I can easily say that after seven months of teaching, I taught a class in between regular semesters, I am asking myself, why. After therapy today and doing a bit of shopping I was beat. My leg was beat too because when my left leg has been pushed too much it has muscle spasms (bouncing up and down). Also when I try to walk when I pick the left foot up it shakes back and forth til I plant it down again. Well the leg was doing lots of movement telling me it was spent, done, let me rest!

So I sit and rest watching 'house hunters' and am already for bed at 7:30. Some of that may be due to age also. I am going to challenge myself to actually live up to SLOWING DOWN. If I do, and I will try, it will be a very first time occurrence for me. People who know me know I have always pushed to the limit and then I push some more. For my initial recovery it worked to my favor however I will admit that now it is becoming my enemy. Getting referrals for my practice and having people in need makes it difficult to say no. I realize I am not the only one who can help people, however when people seek me out I find it hard to say, sorry not today.

Upcoming is my next MRI in the coming weeks, they do them every six months about to see if the tumor makes a second appearance. It will make an encore appearance the only question is when. The nicest thing about MRI's is I get to take Valium because I do not like enclosed spaces and I am in there for a bit over an hour. Well good night to all and I hope to connect with some old friends for lunch soon........

A day in the life

Today I want to share so but the dilemma comes is as to what if it is not all positive? Truth is, have you ever had one of those days where life has just seemed to pile up on your doorstep and you just felt like locking the door and not opening it? That is how I felt today. I remember a year ago when the Unity Spine Center told me that the seizure I suffered (first one) was part of my nerves healing process. Then to suffer some more of them only more sever for longer periods with more devastating results was hard to deal with. Then one day the doctor tells you "go straight to the hospital as you have a 2 1/2 inch brain tumor and may stroke".

I remember people looking at me asking how I was doing and I would say I was doing great. Really I was, and then surgery, rehabilitation, and focusing on getting back to living life. Teaching and back to my private practice as a psychologist to continue to help others. Going forward all the time, forward. I guess when I woke up this morning after only two hours sleep that was it. My fall a few weeks ago is still claiming a toll on my left upper quad muscles and with my paralysis it only complicates the healing process, some because I don't slow down. Well with the muscle ache I only slept a total of two hours which was broken into four half hour segments.

So this morning was like a culmination. Down and feeling it, yes I am. Not a self pity but as I teach my students the majority of hospital stays are followed with a period of depression and up to now I have had none. For the first time in a little over a year of this seizure, tumor and paralysis I am emotionally tired, spent and I give. I know that I have some good support from those around me and I will lean on them. As some in my past have taught me to live by, "and this too shall pass", and it will. I know soon I will drive and that in and of it self will be monumental to me. To be able to handle life's changes with little or no problem, unlike now where I have to scramble to call three or four people hoping against odds someone can arrange to pick me up and take me to where I need to go. "This too shall pass." Wise words, then there my ultimate encourager.......................... MOLLY the one with the pretty glasses on. ;-) Thank you to all for prayers and support, they mean so much.

The way it is.......

Well the painting on Saturday along with clearing the snow from the driveway proved to be a bit too much for me. :-( Unfortunately I am still learning to gage myself for work. Use to be if I wanted to put a coat of paint on the walls of a room it was a simple few hour job, once everything was removed and the walls cleared, prepped and ready. Well painting one of the bedrooms with everything ready was a bit more than an easy task. I have a second coat to put on and then the trim before putting it back to normal. With the stairs being too much the though was to sell and I had a time frame in mind. Now that has to be adjusted as what would take me very little time to do is going to take a lot more. Sometimes it can just seem to be over whelming, taking the simple tasks of yesterday and having them be large hurdles to overcome today is a huge change in perspective and life for me. I find it very hard to simply say I will take more time that is all.

I did hear from a few friends who I had lost touch with and they shared how they keep up on my blog. People's understanding is one of the main factors that keeps me going. Do I like walking with a cane? Do I want to be restricted to not being able to move around people sometimes? I think everyone would answer the same, "No". However as Beth says to me and others most times, "It is what it is" and she is right. So though I may teach full time, see clients in my private practice, do chores around the house, participate in my physical therapy and constantly bug people to pick me up, drop me off, take me for an errand bottom line is I am keeping my life at a bit of higher pace than I need to. This too will change. Without people to drive me everywhere I would be lost and it is nice to know I have friends. Friends who are giving to me and they know I cannot repay, thank you. If I figure out how to post more pictures I will show more Molly. That was one of the inspirations to help motivate me for recovery after the surgery. Ain't she sweet?