Is anyone there

I realize it has been quite awhile since I last updated on my blog. I also see other people writing on their blogs on a regular basis. There are a couple of reasons I have not done this. First is I have no idea if anyone is reading it with the exception of one person. That being said I began to look at it as if I was writing to myself. The second reason is because I do not want to appear as a complainer or whiner. One thing I teach my students, clients and divorcing parents is one bad thing about email and texting is you have no control over how someone will interpret the message. So it goes for me, when I write things I do not want anyone to get the impression that I am complaining and ungrateful as nothing could be further from the truth. That being said I will turn my blog into an update as to my daily life and hope all to take it in the proper context. So a small update is that I was privileged to fall in my office earlier this week, Monday to be exact. As I was falling I saw that I was going to miss my desk so I was relieved and only hurt my wrist attempting to break my fall. I did soften it some so I think it was for the best.

Time flies

Life has been going along so far. I took a night off from my oxygen last night and no headache today. I feel so torn as to does it really help me or not as far as not getting headaches. I am glad that classes are coming to an end in another two weeks. Then I will have four weeks off from teaching to rest a bit. Not much of an update so I will try harder in the next couple of days to update all the information.

Oxygen update

I have not had as much trouble sleeping through the night as I thought I would, wearing the oxygen all night long. The headaches have been absent up until the last few days, but I think that is more related to stress and demands I put upon myself. There is as much mental as there is physical dealings with the oxygen. The gentleman who delivered it said I was the youngest customer he has delivered it to. So over all things I think are improved. I am not sure when I go back to the doctor, my plan is to let him call me and schedule it. That is what he indicated my last visit, so I will wait. Either way I think I am improving which is always a great sign.

Nov 18

I had an oxygen machine delivered to me for night time use. My doctor thinks that I may not be getting enough oxygen at night and that it may be affecting me the next day, either by low energy or headaches. The machine is one with the tubes like the ones they put on your face in the hospital. I can say that using the machine is not that intrusive for sleeping however it is making me feel old. That is the hardest part of it I think, is that I emotionally am having a hard time adjusting to it. As to it helping me I do not really know. I have not noticed a difference in my headaches or morning risings. I am not sure how long I am suppose to use the machine for and when my next doctor appointment is. I will say I am doing very little to follow up for information also.

November 14

My nights seem to be maintaining which is nice. I am so far free of late nights staying up or waking up with pain. The pain in the some of my muscles is increasing but it has not interfered with my sleeping yet. I am trying to stretch my leg more and more on my own to keep the leg stretched. Unfortunately due to my physical therapy I was doing I counted upon them to do the stretching and helping me to keep my exercising going. I need to work at disciplining myself more as that is the only plan I can have now.

I am doing well with my teaching and clients. As usual though unfortunately I am taking more and more on. This is not always the best thing for me to do, as others tell me too. One issue that is a new experience for me as I go almost each day is the mental aspects that I need to deal with concerning this new way of life.

November 4

Well today I didn't have to teach but I was invited to participate in a Health Fair for my private practice. Of course I agreed to attend and was there to promote my practice and offer help to others. My main reason was the latter, to offer help to others. I admit that my practice is doing quite well as I am booked out two weeks, of course I have cut back how many clients I see in a week.

One thing that was new which I have not experienced in a long time was a sleepless night. For some reason I could not fall asleep last night until a little past two in the morning. It use to be that my mind worked and would not shut off its thinking but such was not the case last night. I simply was wide awake so I watched "Miss Congeniality II, Armed and Dangerous" two times, back to back. When I came downstairs to watch the television because I could not sleep I shut my alarm off so it would not wake Beth up in the morning. Of course I woke up about 3:30 in the morning and decided to go back upstairs to bed and get off the couch. I woke up suddenly at 6:15 because I failed to remember to turn my alarm back on.

I was sleeping OK on this same dose of medication for months so I am not sure why this happened. I am hoping that tonight it will be back to me sleeping as it was before. The headaches are still at a minimum which is nice. So I will see what happens and update tomorrow.

Update

Well I was unable to teach on Monday which is 100% against my philosophy and belief. I never want to cancel classes and take away a students learning and it was a real let down to me, though some of my students may have been happy. When I returned to the class room many asked me how I was doing as I stated my absence was due to medical reasons. I did not want to get too personal, so I told most of them I was doing much better. At the end of the day I shared with some that with a brain injury, tumor, there may be a long learning curve to address issues that may crop up. As I had stated in earlier postings my neurologist was trying an additional new medication on me. Well after three days the peak reactions should have occurred and yet I had reactions eight days later. Seeing how I deal with these types of medications in my private practice I have 'some' insight and it was confusing to me too. I will say that finally on Sunday I stopped taking the newly introduced medication. I saw my neurologist on Tuesday morning, as I say Monday I was unable to drive a car. Well he agreed I stay off the medication and we will take some medical measurements as we do any additions and subtractions of my medications. I agreed to keep daily notes on what is going on with me medically wise, functioning wise, and headache wise. Some may find it hard to believe but I need to do that so I keep the days and occurrences straight. I sit back and look at the fact that the surgery is approaching almost sixteen months old and I am 'still' on a path of certain recovery. I will try to keep updates as to what is happening, and I do not have a follow up scheduled yet with my neurologist. He is a very humble man in many ways.

Prayer

This is short and for that I am sorry. I just wanted to ask for something, which is against my normal way. If you have a good relationship with God, say a prayer. If you are close with God and have a great prayer life 'Please say a Prayer'.

God Bless

Medication

Well I am taking the medications as directed and Beth tells me I am sleeping better. Am I sleeping better, I maybe I am not really sure. I know my headaches are still around so who knows. I am growing somewhat tired of trial and error and increasing medications for sleep. I can really relate to when my clients tell me how they get frustrated with their doctors doing trial and error on anti depressants. Time will tell and I see my neurologist soon.

Normal Weekend update

I am not sure if the extra medications I am taking are working or not. I think I am sleeping better but I have only taken the increased dosage for two days. I think it needs a bit more time. I am hoping that it will also work to ease my days. At this point I will take anything that is an improvement for me. I do know that the way I was raised, well grew up, I was taught to be self sufficient and never depend upon others. One thing that has been hard through this whole journey is how to balance that.

When I had a seizure it got to the point that finally Beth had to help me move around in the beginning until some of my movement came back to do it on my own. Then the surgery and all. Today though I am driving and able to get around I still in some cases need help. They are very few and far in between because I make them that way. Unfortunately some days unlike others I need an ear to bend or some support to be lent to me. I try not to say too much because some may mistake it that I am complaining, whining or looking for sympathy. Anyone who really knows me knows that is one thing I never have wanted, maybe it is pride. I know some day's I wish I were not so independent or self sufficient.

Neurologist update

Today I had my visit with the neurologist in my continuing work against my physical issues which are on going. Today he looked at the MRI done about five weeks ago and noticed a few things. He said there is some pushing against the brain where the tumor once was. It is NOT a growth or anything of concern, just kind of like the filling in. Ended up he added a new medication to the ones he already has me on. So as it ends up now I am taking seven pills at night for sleep. One of the reasons was, as he mentioned again, that the nerve and muscle damage done is what we are still working to control. I am using my electrical stim machine for my leg more often. I will see tonight how well the medication works for me. I will say I am not thrilled at taking that many medications at night, but it seems for now I have no choice.

Weekend update

The weekend was not too bad. I had some time with headaches and it was not as bad as some of them in the past. The weather was nice and so the weekend was easy to enjoy. I was able to prepare for the approaching winter with a lot of the things that I normally do. It was nice to be able to do some of the activities all on my own. I think my car, Trans AM, went a whole 80 miles this year. Give or take a mile. Seems my left leg and working a clutch just is not working as a team any more. The season and year is coming to an end for me though it is only mid October. I do see my neurologist this Thursday and we will see how things are going. I think they are going well as long as we can address some of the headaches.

Something that has absolutely nothing to do with my health is what I saw on 60 Minutes tonight. The fact that so many returning veterans are ending up on the street. I do not know if anyone else saw it but it was really an eye opening issue. The fact that so many are ending up on the street and homeless. These are people who we sent to fight and now they come back and are becoming a hindrance to us and probably unwelcome by some. I talked with Beth about how I would love to be able to do more myself. It was just so upsetting to see they put their lives on the line and now we put them on the street. The thought is cannot we do something more?

Long week

As it says it has been a long week, though it was still only five days somehow they seem longer. I love my interaction with my students more than anything. Actually I would say 98% of them anyway. I gave a test today and after class I saw three of them chatting and they looked up to see me coming their way. Making eye contact I lost my concentration of picking up my left foot and my foot dropped and I stumbled forward. Thankfully God was helping me so I was able to catch myself and not fall on my face. My three students were quick to respond and asked me if I was alright, even though I did not fall down. I assured them I was ok and I admit I was thankful that they cared enough to ask. We chatted for a few minuets and then I headed on my way. My reminder that I still have to think as I walk.

The headaches were not as bad this week either, which was nice as was my sleeping. It may be a step at a time but I will take the step. I am glad the weekend is here so I can relax and enjoy. Beth bought me Tiger Woods golf for the Wii in June of last year. Unfortunately due to seizures and the tumor I was never able to use it. Well I got it out dusted it off and have played it a few times and it is nice. It may not be real golf but it is somewhat enjoyable to make believe. I look at it like these 'fantasy' baseball or football leagues. None of it is real except what you make of it.

Time

Well I haven't put an update on in a few days. Things have gone on but I just have not kept up with the updates. As I said my MRI was clean so my primary care doctor said concerning my head aches to see my neurologist. I am not scheduled to see him for another three weeks. I guess now I will call him and try to get the appointment moved up. Today I walked up to a colleague I know and asked them what they teach at the college campus. Unfortunately for me they teach psychology as I do and I recognized that once they reminded me. I was wondering if she might share my moment of embarrassment or not. If she does share it will they attribute it to my brain surgery and if so think I may not be competent to teach. Of course when I shared with my brother and wife they told me I was making too much of it. I know my classes are going well so I will rest upon that. Oh yea I forgot to mention the colleague I forgot was from my department is doing my evaluation on Wednesday. Who would have thought?

I know my sleeping pattern seems to be messed up again so I do not know what to expect. I take my medications and the ones I take should be allowing me to fall asleep but as you can read and see here it is almost 11:30 and I am not tired. I will try again in a little bit but I do not want to disturb Beth's sleep because I watch television as I fall off to sleep. So I come down stairs and hope to do something to keep me busy and tire me out also. Over all life is good though, headaches, sleep broken up makes no difference it is still good.

3 Days and counting

Well I finally called my doctor for results from my MRI. I was told that when the results come in they will call. That means it is a wait and see, not for headaches because they are still here. Sorry this is short but not too much to share and I am tired.

Results

Well hopefully I will hear some results from my MRI by Wednesday. Then we will know if the headaches are from the regrowth or if it is something else. I have never had migraine headaches so maybe you can get them later in life or is it stress? I am just hoping for restful nights and days as it goes. This week I am alone as Grama is with our little Molly, which I wish I was too. Over all though the leg, foot and hip are maintaining but I am definitely not making any more advances is usage. Not too much else to write tonight.

MRI Update

Well today was the day for yet another MRI which this makes five of them in about eighteen months. You would think someone like me who is claustrophobic as I am might grow use to them and not need medication to help me relax. Well there is a huge difference between a year ago and today's. A year ago I was so heavily medicated that I have no recollection of it like having to be put in a wheelchair because I could not stand up going into the place. Today I remember it all 100%. There was also one difference in today's MRI and my last two. Three MRI's ago they used an infusion for one part of the MRI process and this time they did the same thing. Good sign or bad I have no idea as I realize, know and accept it is what it is. Outcomes really do not scare or bother me that much at all what is nice is to see is who and what family members I know are there to support me and let me know. For that I am truly grateful as I am to all those who are supportive in other ways like commenting on my blog to me. The paralysis and issues that I face unfortunately do and are not decreasing but they are changing in different ways, that is something God will help me deal with and get through. I will update when I get the results.

What a day

Well today was quite interesting. I had an arbitration hearing to attend, actually I was the Arbitrator. I look at my life and take a lot for granted until I share with someone what I am and all I can do or have accomplished. So when I was done with the arbitration I was downtown Rochester and had to use one of the paid parking lots. Due to my left leg and its paralysis I need to open my car door wide to be able to swing my left leg in or out depending upon what I am doing. I left enough room when I got out and went for my hearing, but when I came back someone had parked their car real close. I opened my door and tried to get in right leg first and then pull my left leg is but I got stuck and had to physically force myself to push my left leg back out. So to try a new avenue I put my left leg in first and then tried to maneuver my right leg in and was able to do so. The problem is the car next to me had a small scratch in it because I could not get into my car. I tried my best to get into the car doing as little damage as possible.

Well I get my MRI in just two days, I do not like being put in that small tube one bit. I try not to think about and wait until it gets here. I have had a day, twenty-four hour period, free of any headaches so that was nice. Other than that life has been going along.

September Sunday

This coming Saturday is my MRI to make sure nothing is growing back right now. Personally I do not think anything is wrong and there is some other reason for my headaches coming on. I have had headaches the last three nights that interrupted my sleep requiring me to take vicodin. There is also stress and life occurring for me and I think that is the reason for my headaches. I did have a good weekend though especially compared to last weekend when I could not get up and off the couch due to my headaches.

Follow Up

Well I went to see my primary physician and I 'expected' to have him check me over and offer me a prescription for relief from the headaches. Well my expectations were not met, as instead of giving me a prescription he said he was calling my neurologist and medical coverage provider so I can have an MRI done. That was something I was not expecting at all. So now I will sit and wait, actually no I cannot sit and wait. I will continue to teach my courses, see clients and live life as I wait for approval and then see what the results are from an MRI. At this point I do not know nor have a thought on which way the results may go. I do know the doctors said the tumor can be fast or slow growing they do not know. Either way I know God is in control of everything and anything that takes place and that gives me all the comfort I need. I do wish the headaches would subside, and that is all it may be too. It has gone from a 9 to a 2 as I told the doctor but still there. He also asked me if I noticed any increase in paralysis of my leg, foot or something else. I told him I have not noticed any but then I would not because I am always just trying to live the best I can. He agreed that I would not notice if it had increased. I am glad that my doctor wants to play it safe and not take any choices with my health.

Sleepless night

I ended up with only two hours of sleep last night because of my headache. The headache started on Friday when I was ending a session with my client. Most of my weekend was spent on the couch dealing with the headache. I was hoping it would be gone soon but it kept me awake most of even last night. Good news is my doctor is going to see me tomorrow so 'maybe' we can deal with the issue. Hopefully the doctor is able to help me though I think it may mean yet one more medication.

Sunday Evening

Well today was not too different from yesterday. My night was not a restful one and today my head still hurts. I am taking medication to try and stay ahead of it as Beth says to do. I want to take it that much easier because my week starts tomorrow and I will need my strength to go forward and greet the week. I am not sure why it hurts but it is really keeping me down and so instead of fighting it I will rest and take care of myself through it.

Weekend

Well I lost most of today. I was able to mow the lawn and that was about it. I came home yesterday with a massive headache like I got after the brain surgery. The headache kept me up through the night which was restless and hard. After mowing I came in and ended up on the couch the rest of the entire day taking my medications to try and fight the headache off. I hate losing a day like that but I had no choice. I hope tomorrow brings a better time.

Labor Day

Well my night time medications are still working so that is good as I have been on them for long enough for them to stop working if they were to stop. So my night time rest has been good with a few exceptions. That being said I am mending from my latest fall. I have learned a few things which I should have already known. First is that one reason I hate falling is because I cannot get back up. When I fell it was so difficult to stand up even with Beth helping me. The left leg just will not move for me, be it to walk, step or swing to support me standing up. Sleeping was difficult last night because every time I rolled over on my left side I would wake up due to the soreness. The one thing that is hard for me to deal with is being in need of help. Since around the age of eight I depended upon myself to get things done. To sit there helplessly on the floor with Beth trying to help me stand up and it was useless until I could maneuver my left leg around to assist a bit more. It is also hard to balance this learning and not to look like I am feeling sorry. I want to learn to do as much as I possibly can on my own which I know will come in due time.

Same old story

It has been a few days since I last updated on my blog. There is a few things that have happened, one is my medications that have changed. The medications have been working great until the last two nights. I am praying that it is just by chance so I guess tonight will give me a better indication. There have been other things happening in life and I think that may be why I had restless nights, not the medication. Good news is we have been having 90+ degree weather so I have made use of the pool and exercising my leg in the pool. It took me a few times to get down a routine for maximum gain but I think I got it. We are suppose to have at least one or two more hot days where I may get the exercising in. What would be nice is if insurance companies took maintaining usage as necessary. They don't so I have to make due with what I have.

On another note I made me some soup to eat this afternoon and once done I grabbed my bowl and headed for the family room to eat. The family room is one step down and I stopped and thought so I could maintain my balance as I made my way down. I thought, waited, looked, thought, balanced and concluded that I would step down with my good right foot first. The thing is once I start to step unlike before my paralysis I could re-group like normal and balance. With life's changes I cannot do that so I have to commit once I take a step and follow through. Well as I started to lower my right foot I felt my balance going off center and with the foot in mid air and my left unable to move I could feel myself start to go. I tried to balance the soup that was hot and keep me up. As if it were slow motion I fell back the soup went forward all over the kitchen and family room while I hit my head, arm and ankle. Created quite a nice mess if I do say so myself. I really felt as if by now I should have it down as to how I balance, step and walk. I wonder if others have this same problem and how long or what did they do to compensate? I am thinking maybe I should develop some balancing exercises. So bruised body and ego, to some degree, I am calling it a day and night.

Medications

Well you probably have read about my medications and getting them right. Last night I wanted to see if I could cut my medication back a little bit so I did it. Needless to say I never got my medical degree so I was up the majority of last night. So I will go back to the regular dose. The reason I cut back was because I am lethargic in the morning until I get going for the day. I guess that is going to be part of my new normal. I was told by my neurologist to challenge my mind so the wife suggested sudoku and now I am addicted. I could do them all day long, I think I may need a 12 Step Program to help me scale back. Very busy day today and I am tired.

Wonderful day

Well though it has only been a few days since my last posting I have a lot to update is some ways. I think, at least I hope I did, say that I broke my big toe on my left foot. I had it taped as I was told to do and two days ago after eleven days I took the tape off. Well after no tape for two days the toe is hurting me again to walk on so back to the tape. I was told to keep it on originally for six weeks or more.

Today one of the things I did was go out and start up my Trans AM and drive it out of the garage and back in with no brace help. My brother helped me work it up so I could still drive it. I get so much happiness and enjoyment when I drive around and just cruise. I have only about two weeks til I begin teaching again which I am looking forward to.

I have noticed my leg not seeming to have as much strength as it use to have. Of course I have not been exercising with re hab any more as it is not necessary per my medical coverage. I will see what I can and have to do so I can do as much as possible to keep as much use as I can with it.

Sunday evening

Well here it is a normal Sunday and so much to say. I was talking to someone and they told me they did not understand what I meant by my medications being leveled out. My left leg muscles, all of them, are in a tense mode 24 / 7 . So when I would go to bed at night I would have a hard time falling asleep due to random muscle spasms or they were so tense that I would wake up after three hours of sleep and the pain in my leg was so much I could not go back to sleep. This being the case I went to my neurologist for medications. Just like it is with depression (which I am familiar with) it is trial and error unfortunately. So on our third try we hit success so I have two medications I take now, one is to help relax the nerves to fall asleep and the second one for pain in case I wake up during the night. It is working fantastic for me right now. So all in all things are going well in a lot of ways.

My private practice is scaled back to just a single office, I once had a nice waiting room with about an office the size of two. I still have no shortage of clients though, new or old. On a more personal issue I am not sure why but I just feel like I am in the middle of a cloud today. Not up but not really down. One of those where you just cannot put your finger on it. So as I have learned I will put one foot in front of the other and soon it will all be behind me. School starts soon and I will be part time again, and I love the students plus seeing them learn. That is fulfilling.

Summer time

Well my neurologist is great, as is the surgeon who removed my tumor. I firmly believe God directed me to them both. In dealing with my neurologist we have, mostly him, found medication that allows me to sleep the night through about 95% of the time and to control my pain. While all of that sounds great the down side to it is that I am back to pushing and doing too much. Today trimmed nine rose of Sharron bushes and put the trimmings out front for pick up tomorrow, painted up the shutters and hung a few, ran to college campus to prep for the Fall semester, and did a few more chores around the house. I will admit it was over board but I felt so good. My broken toe is healing nicely though as things go. All in all life is grand it really is for me.

On the down side my morning started by finding that some youngsters went through the cars last night and took what they could. What happened to the days when trust was an automatic and not something you had to hope for.

Another Day

I had planned for today to go a certain way and that was not to be. Some would think by now I would have learned by now. To start my day this morning I rolled my big toe on my left foot completely under my foot. I found out what they do for a broken toe, nothing. I tried to keep my day on track so off to grocery shop. When I got to the car I reached down for my phone in the case and felt that it was empty. Panic set in quite quickly as I headed back into the store. My first stop was customer service to see if maybe someone had found it and turned it in, which they had not. I re-traced my steps through the store starting from the end to the beginning, and then I reversed and did it from start to finish. As I was looking I said a little prayer and kept looking. When I got to the end I felt the urge to look at the cashiers area where I checked out and there it was. Thank you God. With phone in hand I headed home. That was only up to 10:30 in the morning.

New week

Sorry I have not written anything in awhile. The medication continues to work fairly well for me I have only two nights since taking them that have been interrupted sleep. The two nights that were interrupted were only for a small time frame each less than one half hour. It is nice to rest and sleep through the majority of the night. I do wish I could have physical therapy continue. As I said earlier I have no idea how the insurance can honestly state that my left leg paralysis is not caused or due to a medical condition. I get to plan and set up for my fall classes this week too. Over all life is good.

Medication update

Well I have now had six nights on my two new medications for sleeping / pain reduction at night and pain management during the day. I only had one night where I was up for less than an hour before going back to bed for the night. Walking around the house seems to help ease the pain for a short time. That gave me five nights of sleep which is something I have not seen in quite awhile. My pain level has also been a lot lower. Though quality of life has changed for me it has not dropped as far as I look at it. I was able to help my brother paint some on his house, which was nice seeing how he was so helpful to me on painting my house. I need to enter the final phase soon though which is selling what I got.

Two out of two

Well I took the new medication the doctor gave me to try for sleeping and it has worked that last two nights. What a thrill that was. Now that I am sleeping through the night he said I can begin the medication to try and control the pain I feel as an almost constant through out the day. I took it for the first time yesterday and today it seemed to work pretty good. I figure tonight will be the third night on the sleep and if i can do three in a row I am convinced it will work. It is so nice to go up to bed and fall asleep and be able to stay in bed for the entire night. Nice very nice. Though I am not thrilled with taking that amount of medication it is what it is and I will do that so I can have a quality of life.

Neurologist follow up

Today I had the follow up with my neurologist as we try to get a hold on my pain and sleeping. The muscle relaxants I had worked only for a few hours which happened again last night. My neurologist decided to change my medication from one muscle relaxant to two different medications. He has prescribed one for me to aid me in falling asleep and then a second medication to help me control the pain through out the day. I shared with him how the left leg is like a tooth ache in that it is constant. He asked if it was hurting me then and I pointed to some areas of my leg as to where it hurt and the actions I try to do in an effort to cope. I am hoping that these medications will work. It would be so nice to go to bed each night and know the majority of times I will be able to stay in bed through the night and not have to get up due to pain and muscle spasms. That is very frustrating to me and wearing on me mentally.

On a brighter note I am continuing to clean out junk and sift through stuff for selling soon I hope. I am confident that if it is His Will then I will have a buyer. I will remain open to what God wants me to do at this point. Well actually at every point this is just one more in my life.

Finally done

As I mentioned earlier the stairs are a real enemy for me especially in the early morning or late at night. Early in the morning my leg is not working, I have to like wake it up, so going down the stairs is tricky. In the evening it is difficult to raise the left leg up to go up the stairs due to fatigue. So I wanted to paint the house to sell, I never got siding :(. I had planned on having it painted by the middle of May. Who would have thought here it is the end of July and it is finally finished. Without the help of my brother, Jim, it would still not be completed. I tried going up only two steps on step ladders to reach as much as I could. It is tricky trying to learn a new center of balance when the left leg is mostly paralyzed. I tried to take my time and be real careful until last Thursday when I fell, bruising some ribs. I guess ladders are one more add to my list of new evils. It is so nice to have the house done and I will admit it looks pretty.

I am trying to use my pool as much as possible for therapy too by kicking the leg. I need to do more and more exercises or the leg will lose muscle mass and agility that I have.

Sunday

Well last night was the first night in almost two weeks that I actually slept in my bed for the entire night. It was actually quite nice to be able to wake and go back to sleep again. My back is still sore but getting better so that is a good thing. I have two doctor appointments this week so I am hoping between the two of them at least one can come up with an idea for me to be mostly pain free during my nights. My physical therapy has also ended and I have noticed my leg getting stiff with less movement. I was hoping that with my activities around the house would work to keep my left leg in muscle shape. Unfortunately I have noticed the leg muscles getting tighter and my movement getting worse. With our great medical coverages wanting to stop paying for my therapy they say it must stop. So today I have decided to start to discipline myself to do my own therapy because if I don't my leg is going to get worse and there will be more atrophy to the leg.

Late Night

Well it was true my back was really sore today, the day after falling off the ladder. I was only a few steps up the ladder too but with no control thus flexibility on my left side I fall like a sack of sugar. Usually the leg is what will wake me up but as luck would have it my back is making it hard to sleep. There are some doctor appointments next week so I am praying that maybe they can change some medications and help me to sleep and control the muscle pain in my left leg. I do know that mentally it is very draining. . . .

One Year

It was one year ago today that I lay on an operating table while they took the tumor out of my brain. What an interesting year it has been too. I have so many people telling me, "Look how far you have come" and I honestly do not see it. I guess one reason why is because I am so busy going forward I don't take time to stop and look around. When I do reflect I see how much I have done and accomplished in one year. To think that a year ago Dr Pilcher cut my skull off and went into my brain and here I am living life again is amazing in so many ways.

Now onto today. In my efforts to get this monster of a house painted so I can sell it I am so close to finishing I thought I would put efforts into painting. It is so close to being done I wanted to get into it. I had just bought a new aluminium 6 foot step ladder for safety too. Well I did pretty good and I 'thought' I could reach a bit further extending out to the left. I started to lose my balance and with my left leg having a mind of its own, it would not listen to me when I was telling it to bend and balance back. So as if in slow motion I fell to the left side and went down. Damage control was done after I finished falling and I had hit my back which was hurt and marked up but other than that I was good to go. I could say I am still learning my new normal but I think really it is trying to learn to accept what my new limitations are. Either way I am so grateful for today and the ability to paint and enjoy the day. I did take a dip in the pool afterwards to cool off and it worked wonderfully. I cannot swim around at all like I use to but it is nice and enjoyable and great for exercise.

On a last note the medication for helping me sleep and take care of the leg muscles seems to be working less and less. Last night I was up from 12:30 am til 3 in the morning before I was able to get back to sleep. I called my neurologist and he said we have an appointment set up in another week so we will look at it then. I guess for now I will suffer through each night and get what sleep I can. I do know when I awoke this morning I was real tired so maybe I will take some afternoon naps.

End of a weekend

The weekend was more of a rehabilitation than anything else. I think, actually I know, I must have pushed a little bit too much. I am nursing my left ankle and both calf muscles back to health. I am still learning my new normal, I guess. Life is going on and so am I to the best of my ability. The difference is my ability is not what it was and never will be. I know at least the MRI's are spread out more to see when the tumor decides to make its return. Over all it was a great weekend though, I saw Inception which was a great movie with a neat psychological aspect. My plan now that I am legal to drive is to take my Trans AM out for a spin and enjoy her with some music playing, in sunshine 'of course'. I am hoping to take the next six weeks and spend a lot of time just relaxing and enjoying some sunshine.

One Day Later

Well it has been one day since I pushed myself to go up three steps on a ladder to paint yesterday and I am still suffering. I was up for about two hours in pain last night from my legs. The muscles in the calf area is what hurts on both legs. I think the right one hurts so much because I was tensing the muscle up to keep my balance. I was hoping that by this time the pain would go away but it hasn't. I guess I am still learning what is new for me and learning how I cannot push like I use to do. Even if the push is for good it is may not be the healthiest thing for me to be doing. I am praying for a restful night tonight. I was hoping to drive my Trans AM today but the legs were so sore I could not chance it. On a brighter note we went to see Inception with Leonardo "you know who" and it was a fantastic movie.

Only one night

Well Tuesday night was a restful night as I was able to sleep the whole night through in bed. I woke up four times but was able to just go right back to sleep. I was hoping against hope that I might squeeze a second night in of sleep but that was not to be. I did do some more painting on the house today and then in the pool to cool off. I am learning how to balance on a ladder going up a few steps but trying NOT to push it. I have a constant fear of falling and hurting my head.

I am LEGAL

It has been a long, long year but the date has finally arrived that New York State demands. See New York is one of only a few states that puts a time limit on when you can drive after suffering seizures. They demand you wait one full year and today is my one year anniversary of my last seizure, hallelujah! I can drive and not have to bother anyone for rides. So it is nice to be seizure free and to drive. I did some painting on the house again, I have moved on to some trim. I have painted as much as I can on the house so now I move on to trim. What is nice is afterwards I use the pool to cool off and exercise my leg. It is nice to have the pool to stretch and exercise my leg. Mowing and doing some painting only makes the muscles more tense than they already are. I am hoping that tonight will be a restful night all the way through. I have not had a full nights sleep since last Friday.

Sleepless in Rochester

Last night I failed to take my medication, actually I purposely did not take the muscle relaxants to help me sleep because I thought I could go without. Well at 1:30 am after putting up with the pain, tossing and turning and inability to fall asleep due to the leg having constant spasms I took the medication I was suppose to take earlier. I finally fell asleep and managed to steal about four hours of sleep. Learning my lesson I took the medication tonight and I fell asleep for two hours but then I awoke to leg pain and spasm again. So I sit here at quarter to two in the morning and cannot sleep due to the leg pain. Seeing how my neurologist told me I am at the end of the road for rehab I am praying my nights are not going to be this way as the norm. It seems that I seem to have more bad than good nights by far.

July heat

Well these 90 degree days really take a toll on my condition and me. I tried to paint some of the house yesterday and it was tough. It has to get painted so I am poking along at it piece by piece. I have to sell this house because the steps are a lot for me to handle. I never ever figured I would be saying that for at least another fifteen years anyway. I mean if it doesn't sell I will find a way to cope. I was able to use my pool for the first time and exercise my leg in the water. I am hoping to do some more tomorrow.

Today I had a client who suffers from MS and when talking about the way they walk she said she doesn't walk like.... She paused reflecting before saying "I'm sorry but I would say normal people." I looked over at my cane and said to her, "I completely agree because I do not walk like normal people at all." She is really suffering with fear of MS and not being normal so I tried to reassure her that whatever her capabilities are, like mine, are normal just a new normal.

Funny but I moved out of my big office and waiting room into a small one room so I could cut back on my private practice. Why is it then that I have more people of new clients calling me than I normally do? I mean is God trying to tell me something and I am missing the message? I know I needed to scale back but there has to be a reason for the pick up in clients. So not knowing what the plan is I will stay open to whatever door God happens to put in front of me. I hope I do not miss it.

On a last note my neurologist put me on some new muscle relaxant medications to help me sleep at night. My nights have been getting bad with headache and leg/muscle pains. He wanted to start me on the muscle relaxants first. The first two nights they seemed to work well but the last four nights have been horrible. I have been up to at least 2 in the morning with pain in my left leg making it unbearable for me to sleep. As Beth says though it is what it is so I will take it one step at a time. Tomorrow I will call the doctor and report in and see what he says. I guess this is a lot to report as there is a lot going on.

One Year

Just a few days more than one year ago I was lying in a hospital bed at Strong Hospital after being told of my tumor. What a year it has been too. A lot has occurred in all areas of my life since that news and it has changed in so many ways. The surgery, recovery, therapy, pushing myself to work at teaching and seeing clients. Then there was the overload that I experienced which meant cutting back and so now my practice is cut back to at least one third of what it once was. I know without a doubt that God has led me down the path to help people in my practice, so why am I forced to cut it back? Honestly I have absolutely no idea why but I do know without a doubt that there is a reason and He has a plan I just don't know what it is. I do know that I will try to remain open as to where it leads. In preparation to sell the house I have been able to put two coats on about one fourth of it so far. It is hard, challenging but I am able to do it it just takes time and a few adjustments on how. I have found out that is the case for most things in my life today I have to adjust to be able to do them and of course some I simply cannot do and that too is ok.

I did have an appointment with my neurologist yesterday which went ok. I shared about my nights be interrupted sleep mostly due to leg pains and headaches. He talked to me about taking a medication to help relax some of my muscles including my leg. The left leg does muscle spasms due to the damage that was done. Sometimes late at night the leg is tired and will spasm at night keeping me awake. I took the medicine last night and it seemed to work to help me sleep. The night is still a bit interrupted but better for one night anyway. I am actually getting use to the feeling of it constantly being asleep and unable to move. My neurologist also indicated that my physical therapy may be ending indicating my recovery has reached its peak.

Summer day

Well today I administered my last test for my summer course and officially began my summer vacation. I plan on doing my practice only one day a week now cutting it back due to my health reasons. It was hard (work wise) to move out of my old office and into the new one. It is a bit smaller but it fits for where I am at in life. I seem to have no shortage of clients though. My foot still becomes painful about three hours after my brace has been on. I do know I am tired and it seems or feels impossible to catch up. My energy level does not last all day. I was hoping it would come back but it has not so I guess it is here to stay, like my headaches, leg muscles hurting and all. Sound a bit negative but really it is positive because I am here and after a visit with little Molly it is worth it ! ! ! !

Learning a new 'new'

As I have said many times I am learning new ways to live life on a regular basis. This past weekend was no different. Today was the day to travel home from visiting the grand daughter. The flight there was interrupted and we had to rent a car to drive so we could reach our destination. That being said when we checked into the airport in Milwaukee they told us we were taking a bus ride to Chicago. The ride was a nice ninety minutes long. Then once checked in and ready to board we got the same message as two days earlier, "Cancelled". They said we were re-booked only to find out we were not re-booked on anything. One of my main problems is my leg with the brace becomes very painful and in the situation like today there is nothing I can do. The pain today really got to me and realized travel will be a limited luxury in the future.

Great Day

Well we had our luggage finally delivered so I no longer had to live in the same clothes at yesterday. Best of all was a full day of Molly which started off with the park this morning and ended up with ice cream in the park. I love it.

Never a dull moment

Off to Milwaukee to see Molly for the first time in four months. I was so excited as she is an inspiration to me. We landed in Chicago and only had one hour before our next flight to our destination. When the time was to board they came on the pa system and said "the flight to Milwaukee is cancelled and everyone will need to find a phone to rebook, thank you". Stunned we found one of these black phones and were told by the agent at the other end, we were rebooked for Friday afternoon to Milwaukee and we would arrive at 4:30 pm. We are driving time only about an hour away and we are going to wait almost 24 hours to fly for 20 minutes? That was insane. Beth and I headed off to take it one step at a time. We obtained our refund for the last flight, proceeded to baggage claim to obtain our luggage and then a rental car. Baggage claim of American told us that our luggage would be in on the later flight and they would deliver it OR it will wait til the morning flight. She confided that most likely it would be in the morning. Last step was to rent a car so I called National and they informed me that all rentals at the Chicago airport were taken and such was the case with the next. Suddenly a gentleman standing near me heard me say I was on the flight cancelled from Milwaukee and asked me that same question. I told him we were and he informed me we were. He said he had already rented a car from Avis and could ride with him. He was like an angel. He drove us to the Milwaukee airport so we could be picked up. We had great conversation getting to know each other and laugh a little. When we arrived I offered to pay some of the cost and he refused and we agreed that we would pay it forward. How nice to run across a person like this in life. If I did not make my call when I did for a rental at the exact place I did to have him near to hear me just before he walked off to get his car we would not have found a car. That was God looking out for us and like a wonderful Father, He kept us safe and got us to where we needed to go. Thank you God. ps we awoke to a real Blessing too.... Molly at 6 am to play with and watch Backyardagins, I love it.

Day out

Well a lot has happened since my last post for those of you still checking in, so I apologize. That being said, Sunday was Father's Day and my oldest son asked me what I would like to do. I shared with him how I have not swung a golf club in two years and would like to know if I still can. When I had a full working body I sucked so at least now I can have an excuse. Just kidding. Anyway he took me to a driving range and we got a full bucket of balls. My first one was a clean miss, second one the ball went directly to the wall protector (for the other golfer) and then to the field. My third one was worse yet as it hit the protector went straight up and 'back' about fifteen feet. Luckily no one was behind me. My son made a few suggestions and I adjusted my position and with some encouragement from my son my next two shots went straight at least. I only hit about one third of the bucket but when I finished hitting I was able to drive a ball about 100 yards and hit about 60 yards with an iron. So my game plan is to do some more driving and then maybe try to play a couple of par 3 holes on a real course!

I also had my physical therapy on Monday and it was fatiguing. I actually was not able to do as many as I normally have done. In some ways a lot of it is emotionally still catching up and affecting me. I was up last night, as has been the case normally, with my leg experiencing discomfort to the point that I am unable to sleep.

TIRED

That says it all for sure. After a long drive home I was welcomed homed to a lawn that needed to be mowed in our 85+ degree heat. With my brace and all it was hard to finish the lawn as my old friend pain was there. As I was trying to finish mowing I was thinking about all that lies before me. Closing up my old office for my practice, trying to paint my house, keep the lawn up, clean up the house for selling, teaching and working with clients. I am tired, worn and ready to sleep but that too does not seem to come too nice lately. I know and realize the bottom line is it is up to me and I have to fine a way to work it out. As I learned from someone one sixteen years ago, "God didn't bring me this far to drop me now." I firmly believe that.

Time away

Well today I spend the day learning more of the specifics concerning interpreting psychological evaluations. Sitting with a room full of colleagues discussing the numbers, variables, norms, stats and such concerning the evaluation. It actually felt so good to be sitting amongst my colleagues talking about topics that are important to me. You see they had this conference a year ago to, in Cleveland, Ohio, and I was registered for it but had to cancel due to the discovery of my tumor. So here I am one year later and I am attending as if life had gone on. I have people around me all the time asking me, "Do you realize how much you have been through and how well you are doing?" I guess the answer is no. Well tomorrow it is off to home. It was so nice to be able to be part of this today.

Good bye

Well today was the day, my last day in my office. I know that when a door closes God opens another and I know He will do that. If there is a bit of a change in direction so be it. He has always taken care of me, looked out for my best interest. My nights have and continue to be terrible. Last night I woke up after a few hours of sleep yet again but I was able to fall back asleep. Unfortunately I woke up two hours later and my leg was in such pain I couldn't fall back asleep so I had to get up. I really wish I could sleep through the night more than at most once a week. Maybe this will be a new piece of my life that I need to get use to. No matter what I know for a fact that God has a plan in all of this so I will step forward.

Moving day

Well today was moving day for my office. I had some help which made it great and a lot easier! I broke down my two big wall shelf units, moved the two large wooden file cabinets, and more. Bottom line is today a lot of memories, eleven years worth, were moved from the office to my house. This Wednesday will be my last day in my current office. I am not really sure what the future will hold for me in this area right now, so I guess it is stepping out in faith. What is in the future I will embrace to the best of my ability. I just think back to one year ago when all I had was the terrible seizure activity wishing somehow some way it would end. I have an interesting week ahead.

Moving & Painting

Well today was productive for me. I moved all the books from my office to my house. I can hardly believe all the books I have read over the years in my pursuit of my PhD in psychology and to stay up to date. I ended up packing nine boxes all together. One more phase of the many I have to do to close the old practice down. I will still counsel and help people it will just have a new look to it, kind of like I have a new look to me.

Once home I was able to do some more painting. I am chipping away at the house so I can finally put it up for sale. I hope to do some more painting on it tomorrow. I was tired from all the work but it felt nice to get it accomplished. My leg muscles, the upper quads, hurt a lot after I am up and on my feet with my brace after a few hours. I learned about the names of the muscles from my physical therapist. I have found that because I try to use my right leg to compensate and have it do the majority of supporting it too hurts. So bottom line is both of my legs upper quads hurt after hours on them, but I also realize I have to get somethings accomplished so I push forward. Now I lay me down for rest.

June 11

Today was to be a busy day for me, I had a visit with someone jailed and do some more to close up my office. My night last night was more restful than the previous five nights so that was good, though still interrupted I was at least able to stay in bed all night. This morning as I headed out early to start my day I met with a new counselor who I am supervising and then for my jail visit. As I was waiting for the doors to be unlocked so I could go in I was thinking of my situation as was leaning on my cane. After a few minutes I looked over to see a man sleeping on a bench who was just waking up for the morning sun, as he was homeless. Suddenly I thought of how much God has and continues to Bless me, how much I do have in life today.

Once finished I headed off to try and do some more moving with my office. As I said earlier I am doing a lot to close the practice down as it is today. Hard in some ways yet necessary in all ways. Once home which was early afternoon I was back down on the couch and worn out in need of my afternoon nap. My energy level is still way low so I will rest for the remainder of the day.

Still learning

Today was a learning experience yet again. I noticed how I am more and more looking for things in my daily life to make life liveable because of my paralysis. I was able to move a lot of files from my office to my home in re-locating my practice as I have to. When I got home I was able to mow the lawn and trim it. My nights are still interrupted and the leg is painful during the night, I am hoping that tonight will be a restful one. I am not sure if it is me doing too much or something else. I know that the doors continue to open of those wanting help from me, which makes me feel good.

another day

Rain today was a welcomed blessing because it meant I could not pain the house so I could rest. I am really thankful for my students as they are a great group this session. I am still facing the packing up and moving of my practice but I firmly believe that it will all work together the way it should. I can see the hand of God in it as He is opening doors and sending me signs on a regular basis that this is the right direction, it is His direction. So as in the past I will follow. I was so tired when I finally got home this afternoon I was out on the couch sleeping for awhile and it felt good.

good day

Well here it is a start of another week. Class went well and I will admit that the students I have are fantastic which I find unusual as there are 26 of them. After class I came home and did some more painting. I also had a fellow brother stop by and assisted me with painting. I will admit the color looks nice. Over all not a bad day. My foot hurts from wearing the brace so much but the healing time is short.

Rainy Sunday

Well yesterday was paint day for me. I was able to paint about 20% of the back of the house. I figured that was not too bad by myself. I discovered how it was to paint with my new restrictions and it wasn't too bad. I will do it as piece work as much as I can until I cannot do any more. At that point I will have to rely upon others, just as my practice.

I ended my lease and will be closing my office in mid June which is a VERY emotional experience for me. Going to college as an adult with children and getting a bachelor and master in business / administration only to be led by God to switch directions. Switch to Mental health masters and a phd in psychology was different focus. I put it all in His hands and from day one I grew from a part time office to full time small office to a modern office in a prime location. After a few more steps ( all of which covers a span of twelve years ) I ended up in a double office with a waiting room and all. It was something I was in awe of every time I went to counsel / help people of what my walk in this ministry had brought me to. It was a long progressive walk and now I am faced with packing everything up and saying good bye to it. I will still practice part time but drastically reduced to bare bones. I am trying to focus on getting my house ready to sell and close up my practice as it currently exists, it feels like a lot. As I look at the weeks ahead what was with help has changed. I will have some scattered help but I know He has a plan and God is behind it all. He saw me and grew my practice and He is there now with a plan, I know that. So bottom line somehow I am not sure how, but somehow I will get the office boxed up and done in the next two weeks. I guess as I am writing this I am thinking I should not be saying good-bye but rather 'hello' to the new normal.

Today my oldest, Tim, had his wedding reception pig roast as everyone has come back from Italy. It was great and enjoyable. One more thing I would have missed, what a blessing and a gift today was.

Let the painting begin

As many know I must sell the house because all of the stairs are too much for me. I knew one day I would get to an age and desire a ranch style house, so the time came a bit sooner than I had planned on. Having to sell means preparing the house and with my left leg I am finding that to be very demanding upon me. I still have not found someone to mow the lawn so I will keep looking. Well after obtaining all of the supplies I have officially stated that tomorrow will begin the painting of the outside of the house. As of today I have one possible helper for tomorrow. It will be interesting to see how much I can paint and how demanding it may be. I was able to get my pool up and running and the water is fairly clear so that is good. I am hoping to use it for exercise on my leg. It will also be a help in selling the house, I hope. Unfortunately last night was a repeat of sleep or lack of. Well enough for today, let the sun go down and rest for the night.

Summertime

Well here is my few day update. My summer class has begun and every student showed up and it appears to be a great bunch of students. My last few nights have been very unsettled though. Last night I would sleep for about 30 minutes wake up and repeat the cycle until about 2 am. When I woke up then my left leg ached so bad I had to get up and just walk (hobble) around for a little bit before returning for some much needed sleep. I have refrained from posting too many negatives because I don't want people to think I am a complainer and not grateful or that I don't see the Blessing in life. That being said, the brace burns into my foot on top and bottom after a few hours because the left foot wants to twist. I came home Tuesday and every time my left foot touched down on anything it was if I was stepping on a hotplate that burned into my foot. My ankle has been quite sore too, so tonight I put some ice on it to soothe it a bit. The good news is I am alive to see the ruins of Rome, the beauty of Firenze (Florence), the waves of Kauai with my wife, my son get married, his beautiful bride and her smile on that special day and soon I get to see that special granddaughter Molly if a few weeks. I have so much to be grateful for and I am. There is pain and I am learning that some of this as it is coming up on one year is possibly going to be part of my new normal as Kate said in the beginning. Hurt, pain, discomfort, lack of sleep, head aches is all out done by the Blessings that God puts in front of me everyday.

Weekende update

Sorry to all first of all because I have not put in an update since last Tuesday and a lot has happened. I did have a physical therapy visit and when I started to pedal away I noticed that there were no straps for my left foot on the pedal. Normally there is a strap you slide your foot into like a racer would do to keep the foot in place. When I asked about it they told me Andy took it off and wanted me to try without a strap. Well I did my mile plus a little with no strap. I realize that may not mean a lot to some but as I was pedalling away I thought back to one year ago. Last June, of 2009, when I went in for therapy Andy had to use two long velcro straps to hold my left foot in place because it turned sideways and or slip off the pedal. Here I was a year later and I was able to control my foot enough to keep it flat on the pedal.

I manage to mow my lawn, though I think I am still going to have to hire someone to help me with it. It seems to be too much, and I also notice my upper quad muscles on my left leg become sore and ache if I walk on the leg too much. I have been putting heat on the leg and ice on my ankle. I am still dealing with and in acceptance mode when it comes to how much I cannot do. My teaching is done so that is a huge weight off my shoulders especially with final grades in.

I was going to mow today but I instead am taking a break and pretty much calling it a day as for work outside and my brace. With that said it seems as if my capabilities are pretty much peaking out so in the next 6 or 8 weeks I need to learn how to maintain the usage I have.

First day back

Well here is my first day back and it was filled to the brim. To start off I have posted a picture of the Roman coliseum. Customs was not as bad as I thought it would be, they were fairly agreeable. I will admit though I did not ask for a wheelchair so I walked it and I realized I should have requested the wheelchair. Why didn't I? Pride, what can I say. I still want to do and be like some of my old ways. It is hard to accept. Today I got my brace inspected for my left leg which goes from my knee down and along the foot to keep it flat as I walk. They put a new pad at the end which is where my toes push against it because they are tensed all the time. The new pad felt so good on my foot it was like heaven. I had to mow the lawn and by the time I was done mowing I could no longer walk on my left foot. The ankel was so sore I could not put weight on it. I have had it happen before and so I ice it and wait for it to feel better. Somehow I disconnected the cord and my computer crashed so I am posting this a day late.

Roma for the day

Well I saw the Colosseo, the Forum, Pantheon and more in Rome today and it was weather perfect! Beth took a picture but it would not send so I will not get it to load, sorry. Very tired from walking but it was worth it. Now settle down for some dinner and sleep before we fly home tomorrow... ciao

Roma

Well first I apologize to those of Italian descent as it is Firenze spelled correctly. Well we grabbed the train to Roma this morning and arrived safely at our hotel, however yesterday was filled with happiness as my son was married. The wedding was absolutely beautiful as was Kristen the bride. She looked spectacular in her wedding dress and all the people crowds and crowds of them clapped as they saw the bride. Marriage is really a celebration here and the ceremony was unique. Not the American style of obey, honour and such. Here they spoke of coming together in unity for one direction, a direction of family, and they agree to go in the same direction. They included children in it too (we should learn from this) saying when you have children you both commit to encouraging them from their talents, gifts and uniqueness to provide them with direction in life. Our dinner afterwards was fantastic at a traditional Italian restaurant. It was called Il Latini. They started us off with cheese to start, then they brought us chicken liver pate and a tomato /pasta salad, once that was done they brought us three different pasta dishes ravioli, beef pasta and a pasta with vegetables, (keep in mind there was too much of each to eat it all) then came our course of meat which included lamb, beef, chicken, pork and rabbit with extra side dishes of spinach and potatoes both of which melted in your mouth, then came eight desserts which we shared and then we finished it all with an espresso. I should add that we had water, wine and champagne to toast with also. It was great. It was so old family that the staff ate before the people were allowed in to sit and dine. What is great also is that there is NO clock when eating any place in Italy and it may be Europe for that matter. If you want to sit and talk all night so be it. Tomorrow Beth and I are off to explore Roma though I will admit on the side that I was putting ice on my foot last night and the walking it taking a toll. People for the most part have been very helpful and willing to offer help to me with out asking. so once again I say ciao....

Fiernze

Well here we are in Italy, Forence to be more exact. I discovered that Florence is called Fierenze (I will call Florence from here on out) on maps and by those in Italy. What an experience especially as this is my first time in Italy or Eurpoe for that matter. The flight was great and customs was rather easy to get through. Look, smile, and they stamp the passport. We got our luggage and off to the train terminal in Roma so we can head out. I had three gypsy women approach me and try to rifle my pockets as we walked and with a frim NO they left. Beth was upset thinking I was just short and angry so I explained what happened. There was a nice lady with a baby only about three weeks old that helped us with the process of purchasing our train tickets which I was very thankful for.

Once in Florence, we grabbed a taxi to our hotel and had some ice cream before settling in for the night. Our room is in a hotel that was built in 1280 AD so it is very nice. Though old it is modern with heated towel racks. The staff is also great.

Today Beth and I took a tour bus of Florence, which I thought I would never do til my sixties at least, but there I was. It was fantastic and we learned a ton. Afterwards we decided to get some lunch. Learning the Euro system we found a nice restaurant and sat down. They had fresh made pasta so we ordered ravioli and it was fantastic. We finished lunch and walked the streets of Florence for about four and a half hours. We shopped and took pictures it was so very nice. More happened but that would be long and drawn out to explain here. It is enjoyable and tomorrow they, Tim my son and his bride Kristin mt new daughter(in-law) will be married. I am certain it will beautiful. Friday we head to Roma for a few days before we fly home to the States. What is fun is we get three English speaking channels, BBC news, CNN and Eurosports. I watched Walker Texas Ranger last night. I never knew he and his sidekick spoke fluent Italian. BRAVO!

Nice Day

Well I think mowing the lawn was a bit too much for me because the ankle was sore and I needed to ice it. It is so hard to know what I cannot do or what is too much. I will admit that my yard looks very nice which if you know me you know that. My brother made some adjustments on my Trans AM and I can start it a lot easier. The adjustments were all his own unique creativity and thought along with his talented skills with machinery. Now when I can drive I just need to get it inspected first. Well as many know off to Italy this week for my son's wedding in Florence. It is a long flight but all should be ok. I am concerned about wearing my brace that long and the effect it will have on my leg. Bottom line though is that God saw me through the last year so I could go, so I will Praise Him.

Long week

I am so very glad the week is at an end. With the teaching semester ending it seems students come at the end and 'then' they look for help. I will do what I can to help because I love to see people learn and succeed, believe in themselves. This week was loaded with teaching, clients, training, new clients hoping for help, physical therapy and preparing to fly to Italy next week for my son's wedding.

Physical therapy today was good as I had a student work with me so it is nice to see someone new. Of course no one will ever replace Andy, I firmly believe God put him in my path last year. After all my Christian chiropractor sent me to Andy in the beginning. Therapy was good, then I went to the annual court mental health gathering. I saw a lot of people I had not seen in years, which was nice, and then we broke into groups. My group went upstairs and I had one of the organizers apologize to me for having me walk up the stairs. I shared with her that it is ok, I am the one who needs to speak up if something is too much for me. I explained that I have learned living with some disability I rather I express my limitations instead of people putting too many limits. I do appreciate the thoughtfulness 100% I just don't want people feeling bad that something is their fault.

The rest of my day was long and hard. I had a client who was nothing short of insulting, mean and immature yet asking for help. What was nice to find out today was that I have been wondering if anyone reads this blog, does it help anyone, can anyone relate? Then today a friend whom I have not seen in three years shared with me how other friends who I no longer see, they have moved away, read my blog and stay up to date. That made me feel good. I am glad though the weekend is here and I can rest. I have found that I put heat on my leg and ice on my foot a lot lately as walking on it for four hours or more does that.

Neurologist update too, he reviewed my MRI and decided I can wait a year until my next MRI so he is indicating the tumor is slow growing which means it should not reappear for a few years anyway. Praise God.

?

Well it is Sunday, Mother's Day. The weekend was not too bad for me, though I fell in my garage yesterday. I was sharing with someone today how I sometimes forget my left leg does not move though in my mind it does as I tell it too. It is hard to sometimes for those closest to me to understand this. That seems to be the hardest or one of the hardest issues for me right now. As Kate said I needed to learn a new normal and I am still learning as for 52 years my left leg, foot and toes all moved when I thought about it. Now that does not happen at all and I am still learning that new piece. The thing is I am realizing that those around must or I need them to learn my new normal also. It would make my life easier as I am sure it would make others lives easier who incur some kind of mishap. Every day though as I say is a good day because as my brother says, I am a walking miracle by the Graces of God.

Weekend up date

I had to mow today and when I was done the ice was once again my friend to help me mend. My brother came over and he was working on my Trans AM so I can hopefully take it out and enjoy this summer. While he was doing that I was trying to assist him and down I went. I fell face first on the garage floor. When I am use to having use of my left leg for fifty some years it is still difficult to remember every second of life that it no longer works. Fortunately I did not injure anything.

Now to talk about the definition I posted yesterday. I realized as I read it that though there is a definition the understanding may not be there. The axon that is destroyed is like a long telephone wire that carries a message (charge) from one connection to another. The fact that they have been cut, lost and destroyed is why my body does not work. The message lines have been cut so though I think it, want it and will it with no connection it does not happen.

Medical update

Well today I had the honor of going to see my Neurologist, the man who first found my tumor and hospitalized me which probably saved my life so I am with all today. I thought all was well because I did not get a phone call after my MRI. My appointment was at 9 am and I knew it would be a few hours. Well they took me in pretty much on time and got some basic medical readings and then the intern asked me about some update on my situation. Well we talked a few more times as she came and left. My nine o'clock went to ten, then eleven and about noon Dr. Smith came in and asked if I wanted to view the MRI myself. Telling him yes we marched off to his office, he has these two computer screens that are about 36 inches. He showed me where the tumor was and how the brain has and will not fill in the empty area though it did grow about fifty percent of the space back.

While talking Dr Smith mentioned my "wallerian degeneration" which I took the time to list the definition for you:

wal·le·ri·an degeneration (w-lîr-n) n.
The degeneration of a nerve fiber that has been separated from its nutritive center by injury or disease, characterized by segmentation of the myelin and resulting in atrophy and destruction of the axon. Also called orthograde degeneration, secondary degeneration.

So that is the area or neural damage that will remain, though we talked about my physical therapy and the trouble my medical coverage is giving me saying it is not medically related. Dr Smith agreed to write up a letter for me to submit to them and in it he included the fact that my therapy should continue for another five months for my growth. I did graduate from a red (temporary) handicap permit to a blue (permanent) handicap permit. I never EVER thought of myself needing special parking at my young age. We did talk of my pain I am now experiencing from doing so much. It will be very hard for me to balance cutting back and yet still being active. From being an independent person since the ripe old age of eight.

I do know that whatever lays before me will be a reward. In my class on relationships the last chapter is on what is one going to do with their life. What path will they choose and I show a dvd of Viktor Frankl and his message is what will me make out of our situation. This semester watching it I was thinking to myself, this disability is an opportunity for me to do something, accomplish something, use it for even more than I have. I am not sure what that is but I do know I am open to it. Though I have limitations I realize I have abilities and opportunities that I must take. Over all not a bad day at the doctors, well not a whole day only five hours. Dr Smith is well worth the wait.

Taking Care

Today ended up being a day where I had to put myself first and that is something I am not use to. I have no idea what I did to my left foot but I did something as it was very painful to walk on where the big toe is. Understand that my left foot is as if it is constantly asleep, toes always tensed up in a curled fashion, bruised and always swollen. So as I made my way to the copier every step I took brought a sharp pain which made me want to pick the foot back up and not put pressure on it. I prayed it would subside but as the day went on and I walked to where I needed to go to teach the pain remained sometimes growing in its intensity. I had a few clients I was suppose to see later in the day. When my last class came I was dreading every step I had to take, thinking of each place I had to go and how could I reduce the amount of steps I needed to take with my foot. In side my head I kept hearing this voice tell me, "Take care of yourself first". So listening I cancelled appointments and came home and iced the foot. When I got home I did what had to be done and then put the foot up and put the ice on it. My brother and I were talking on the phone and me being alone this week asked if I wanted some pizza for dinner seeing how I had no plans. Having some medical background he looked my foot over, made sure I was putting ice on it and served up the pizza. We sat and talked and had a great visit sharing in some food. It was hard for me to pull back and put myself first and cancel the appointments but I am certain my body is very grateful. My new normal, I am still practicing as I learn....

Warmer weather

Well classes are winding down as the semester is coming to an end. I have worn my brace the last two days so I thought I would wear my electrical stim device today. I also had physical therapy so I thought it would be good to wear it for that as Andy, my therapist, has me use it in my therapy if I bring it.

Well this morning I got up and had my coffee got ready and put the device on. I have to run the wires down through my clothing and attach the pads to the side of my leg. It is a bit to connect it but it is so wonderful to have it work. I made sure I put the two freshly charged batteries in their case on the table just in case. Well off to school to teach so I get dropped off and I reach to try to turn it on and no power. So I reach into my bag only to see I left the batteries on the table. So I made my way to my office.

Now I am not looking for sympathy but want to explain what happened as a result of leaving my batteries. My left foot when I try to pick it up about six inches, it turns to a 45 degree sideways so the outside ankle is looking down and the toes do not come up but will drag unless I remember to make sure I pick them up. So I take each step this way with no support for the ankle because my brace is home. It was very difficult to walk, take each step and keep things level and not twist my ankle. I got to physical therapy and did as much as I could. I rode the bike for 1.4 miles so I did great there and Andy introduced a new task for me I named the "sammy the seal"' A therapist tosses the ball to me and I have to catch it and throw it back like a seal would do in the show. The difficulty is I have my feet touching next to each other or one foot in front of the other. The ball is thrown to the left and the right side. The goal is to be off balance but re gain it and not fall down. Andy spots me in case I do bad. Though a couple of times I teetered I did not fall nor need his help to maintain my balance which was great.

When I got home the lawn needed to be mowed but my ankle was hurting too much. That being the case I went inside and iced it down resting on the couch. Over all it was a good day but difficult with my disability giving me a hassle the best it could.

Great Day

First I take credit for the warm temp's and sunshine today in Rochester. Those who live here know that is unheard of and I take credit for bringing it with me from Hawaii last week! :-) Today was great as I got to go out and mow the lawn and even trimmed the lawn. Being able to mow is important to me as I like to tend my lawn. I still may hire it out to mow as it was and will be challenging for me to mow twice a week. It was nice to be out and get around, I even visited some neighbors I had not seen since before my surgery. Tonight we are off to church then I will watch my race, Sprint Cup, tonight. I am thinking my MRI showed nothing as I have not heard from my neurologist yet and I see him this coming Friday morning. Well it is so good mentally for me to get out and get around in life.

First week back

Well my first week back after venturing out for some attempts at snorkeling and water activities. I can say that getting up to teach Monday, Tuesday and even Wednesday was very difficult. We left Hawaii and when we finally arrived home we had been up for about thirty hours and three plane rides of about thirteen hours. Jet lag made life very hard for me those first three days.

On Wednesday I had my first physical therapy visit in almost three weeks. I was not sure how I would do on the different activities. Well I did one and a quarter miles on the bike. After the bike I did some exercises I have not done in awhile and then Andy asked me to do some stair exercises. I take each foot and place the arch lightly down on the edge of the step and then put the foot back down on the ground. The second one is taking each foot separately and touch only the heel on the step up and then bring it back down. I did both exercises and when I finished Andy pointed out how this was the first time I had done this without my cane. I had completely failed to realize this until he pointed it out to me.

I finished up the week teaching and interacting with my students. My greatest reward comes from my students. I had one who took a test and got a 50 and came to me for some tutoring. I tutored her and when she took the re-test she earned a 75. She found me and was thrilled to no end about her performance. She shared with me all semester long she has not been able to get above a 65. She told me to have a good weekend, I told her to do the same.

Though it was a long, hard and exhausting week it was well worth it. It seems the students have always been my lift in life since the surgery. Seems God always knows exactly what we need and He puts it into our path of life, we just need to be open to receiving it.

Aloha - goodbye

Well my last night here, rest, relaxation and escape is done. That is just as well as I am ready to get back to life as my life is now. I really enjoyed just being able to shut down and not have any worries for the first time in almost two years of medical issues. My brother and I snorkeled again today and had a great time out on Hanalei Bay. We saw some great fish and had a fantastic time. The evening was capped off with dinner at the Kalypso a fantastic restaurant. Now for our last night here though we will be here long enough to see tomorrow's sunset. I will try to post a video with this which is our view from our condo I hope it work. I will admit though pictures can never capture 100% the true beauty that is there. We also see the last few days they are filming yet another movie here on the island.

Snorkel Thursday

Today started off by going to our Javi Kai for breakfast and then we were off to Ke e beach to snorkel. My brother and I went out to try but the currents were too much from the beginning so I came a shore and watched. My brother went out and saw a turtle while he was snorkeling. We headed back to the condo and my leg and foot were doing well. I went to the pool to swim laps every so often to get some exercise for my leg as I am missing out on my physical therapy. We did end up going out on Hanalei Bay to snorkel and it was fantastic. I stayed out for about an hour until my left leg had no more energy or control to make it move with the fin. So I headed for shore but saw some fantastic fish in the ocean once again. I tried to not over do it wearing a brace when I could to help support my ankle especially when I walk on the sandy beach. I along with my leg are tired and ready to call it a night and it is only 8:30 at night....

Dinner cruise

Well the dinner cruise was what I had hoped for in spite of some pit falls. When we checked in they informed us it was mandatory no shoes, which they made an exception for me. They realized I could not take my shoes off and walk safely so they said I could wear them. My cane however was a different story, Mr Cane had to stay land locked. I was more than willing to comply with that request so all was set. It was quite a hike down to the 64 foot catamaran, the Spirit of Kauai. There was 39 of us as we set said. The crew was very helpful with me as well as anyone who wanted to maneuver around and I did some moving. We say spinner dolphins, a school of them, who swam along side our boat jumping and playing as we went. We also had the opportunity to see two baby and one parent whale so it was cool. Of course the coast line in itself was a beauty of God to behold. It was majestic in every way possible. We were soaked by salt water to and fro, before and after dinner but it was ok. It was well worth the money and time.

My ankle was still hurting a bit afterwards but it was manageable. One of the things I am still learning that I need to internalize is that those around do not remember my situation. It seems my inability or my shortcomings get forgotten. This I need to try to remember, it is my new normal to live with and others will forget regularly.

Rainy morning

Well I thought it was bound to happen. We went down to Hanalei Bay to snorkel (where puff the magic dragon frolicked) and thought all would be fine. Many of you already know that since last April my leg and foot experiencing atrophy the left foot turns down due to the muscles not responding. This provides me with the great opportunity to walk on my left side ankle. The brace keeps it straight which is one reason I wear it. I thought I would fore go the brace and go it stag. Well the snorkeling was ok, high tide was coming in. I managed to do everything on my own with my snorkel gear and all but I did notice the swimming was a bit draining. I came in to rest while my brother snorkeled with his wife and rest. When I got up to come back to our condo the sand was so soft and deep I walked on the side of my left foot with every step I took. That was Sunday so Monday I kept off the foot most of the day, iced it, rested it, kept is up and all. I confess I did go to Lamperts for some ice cream. Today it is still sore and we have a sunset dinner cruise to go to. I can work with the ankle and as I have said a million times quoting Kate, I need to learn a new normal. I just want to avoid being a damper on anyone's activities. Of course they all say no problem I still want to enjoy. Raining now but I am hoping it stops to give us time to sail the north coast having dinner watching God's natural beauty of a setting sun that we take for granted everyday much too often. Aloha!

what a day

Today started off by going to our home church for Kauai, Calvary Chapel on the North Shore. It was uplifting and the message was fantastic, the Pastor talked about how sometimes we murmur about what we don't like or don't have. We should focus on what we are Blessed with and have in our lives. I thought about my left leg and how I cannot walk, run, swim and such but what I do have is a nice comfortable life, health care to cover the majority of my expenses for my treatment. I have much that I have been Blessed with so much. I did do some snorkeling later on today, or at least I tried. It was not as easy as it was last time. The time is still enjoyable and I will continue to learn my normal though I admit sometimes what is frustrating is that others forget my normal and I try to keep in mind that it is me not them.

What a week

I know it has been awhile since I updated my blog and I am sorry for the lapse in time. I have been very busy doing so much it was hard to get online and update it. I am in Kauai enjoying the beautiful weather and quiet time. I have gone snorkeling once and did some great video underwater. I am going to try to post the video on my blog if I can learn how to do it. I also went fishing on the ocean and had the honor of catching seven tuna all together. Basically I have accomplished things that I NEVER thought possible going back a year which is when I was experiencing my first on set of seizures. Thinking back to my surgery and that I could hardly move without a walker and yet now I am here snorkeling pretty good and deep sea fishing. What a thrill. I will admit that my leg and foot get tired even the walks are a bit much they are great exercise for me. Over all I am compensating where I need to and going forward when I can.... Aloha

LA

Who would have thought? When we landed in Atlanta I requested a wheelchair as I had to go quite a distance. I felt guilty as I was being pushed in a chair and everyone else walked to keep up. As we boarded for LA I requested a wheelchair for LA. Well they had it waiting as soon as I stepped from the plane to the aisle way. We made our way up the gangway to the airport as we arrived at Gate 58. As we started to make our way my wife informed me that our departing Gate was 59. It was a whole thirty yards away....

Life is nice

Well this is just a short update. Landed in Atlanta and waiting on outbound to LA.... The weather is much nicer and mentally healthier....

Friday - Good Day

Well as usual I had my physical therapy this morning and things went quite well. Starting out on the bike I must have had a lot of energy because I set a new record of 1 and 1/2 miles. That is a quarter of a mile more than I have ever been able to pedal before. That was so nice to have a good ride. The rest of the activities went well to as for my therapy goes. I am just hoping that my so called Insurance Company starts to see that having my left leg experience paralysis so I cannot walk without assistance due to a 2 1/2 inch tumor removed from my brain is 'medial'. After therapy I had breakfast (two hours long) with two people I use to work with and haven't seen in about four years. We had a great time, sharing memories, seeing what each other has been up to, and best of all we compared grandchildren. As we did one shared with me that his grand-daughter calls him PaPa just like Molly calls me. :-) That was so cool. Over all the day was a nice day and very rewarding all the way around. I also did some exercises in my therapy which were new because I am still gaining more and more muscle control over the left leg, not 100% but still it is a gradual increase! ! !

When up is down

Well as usual my day was filled with teaching and lecturing lessons to my students. That was very enjoyable for the most part. I love to help students who desire to do better and learn. After the end of the day I went to my Wednesday physical therapy visit. I had a surprise waiting for me, seems my insurance says my therapy is suddenly not medically related. No one could understand how in all their wisdom at BC/BS, they could see my therapy for a left leg paralyzed due to a brain tumor is 'not' medical. Well someone from Benefits stepped in to call and help me out and made some headway. My first reaction was that my therapy was going to end and I would have to go it alone but hopefully it won't be that way. I did think as I was pedalling away that one way or another I was going forward and still going to work on getting as much use of my leg back that I can.

Good Friday

What a great day it was! No not everything went the way it was suppose to but it was a great day. As I said in my last blog, I had physical therapy this morning. I was talking to a therapist (an intern working with me) and the next thing I did was look up at the distance on the bike machine and I ended up pedaling myself a mile and a quarter. My farthest was a mile and a tenth so I was so pleased to see that. My routine has been changed around because of my growth. That is so fantastic, I am working on balance as I said earlier. Walking backwards, doing the sobriety walk (heel to toe), and having to walk an obstacle course stepping over objects and up and down steps as I go. I think back to just last December when I could not balance even 30 seconds without needing assistance. I see how much has been accomplished. When the neurologist and neuro surgeon first talked to me the verdict was that only about 85% of the tumor would be removed by surgery, I wold need to be in the hospital 10 to 14 days and I would have a lot of paralysis to deal with. Well God had a different thought, they got the tumor 100%, I was out of the hospital after eight days, and I am still gaining more ability which means less paralysis. I am not saying I will have none, I won't have full use as even the therapists say, but I will have a lot more use than they originally said. That was before I even got to my office to see clients today.

Clients went well, not all is good though. I do find such satisfaction in helping others find a path of help. Life for me is great, tumor, seizures, paralysis has little meaning, this is Good Friday and my life is VERY good. I am BLESSED and I am thankful for what I do have.....