New Year's Eve

Well here my kidney stone problem had been silent for months, almost a year. I as did the doctors, knew it would flair up again as it was still there. They wanted to do more blasting of it, unfortunately such was not the case to be. Well I mentioned them in my blog a few days ago and today the kidney stone and today I was able to welcome the big guy back into my life. I felt the pain once again so that gives me another issue to deal with. It isn't new though as the doctor knew it was not going away and only going to return. I was just hoping it would wait about another 6 months. Now I will make arrangements to see my specialist for that. I have to see another doctor for a procedure in two and a half weeks, not related to my therapy or recent surgery. It is a different matter but one I think will be done with and I will be able to cross that villain off the list completely. That will leave the kidney stone and physical therapy only, then of course the headaches and sleeping. I think those will remain for a while in my life, my new friends if you will. Sleeping has become a bit odd again lately, waking up after a few hours and then up and down and no restful periods again. This is something I got use to once and I can do it again. I can do all things with God who gives me the strength to do what I am doing in life. He has brought me this far and will continue to give me guidance and strength in life. With that I have found a lot of peace and comfort. Of course the driving is still an issue. I have noticed that those who do give me rides, some let out their frustration and I understand that. They I do not think realize it shows and that too is ok as I am grateful, very grateful. Have a Blessed New Year!

December 30

Well unfortunately I did not make it to physical therapy today so no .8 of a mile. I will say that with the weather fronts and the high winds with snow has been terrible on my head for headaches. A few more days off and back to teaching. Life is going well over all though. I did my exercises at home though including the treadmill. I try to do as much as I can. The last few nights have been interesting to say the least for sleep. I watched The Battle of the Bulge, an old classic.

December 29, 2009

No there is nothing wrong with the date, it is one year ago today. One year ago today I was sitting in the Emergency Room of Unity Hospital with a left leg that was paralyzed for no reason. They finally took me in and did an MRI only to tell me that "I was fine and there was NOTHING wrong with me." So they sent me home with no recommendations. I spent seven hours there and I remember the physicians assistant asking me if I was sure it was not psychosomatic. Though insulted by that, as if I had nothing better to do than sit in an Emergency Room for seven hours. What was also funny is just before one year ago today Beth had told me that 2009 would definitely be a better year for me health wise than 2008. See in 2008 I was diagnosed with diverticulitis and a kidney stone about the size of a golf ball. The type of stone was called a stag horn and I endured 3 blasting's in the year to try and deal with it plus I suffered from sciatica nerve damage and ended up in the Emergency Room from it. So 2008 was an interesting year and unfortunately one year ago this temporary paralysis was the first sign of what was to be a not so good year after all. Anyway though 2009 was not a better health year for me I sit now and have no doubt that 2010 will most definitely be a better year health wise. I thought it funny how we are facing the start of 2010 in just a few days and how a year ago we thought nothing of what I was experiencing with my leg. What a year it has been, what I have learned and how I have grown. I thank one and all for your help. Tomorrow I have my physical therapy and I am shooting for .85 of a mile on the bike. I would love to do a mile but that would be doing 5 miles an hour on the bike. Who knows we will see and I will let you know........

Full Day

Well to start with I awoke to about three or four inches of snow and ventured off for breakfast with a friend. Next stop was my therapy and Andy put me to work again. I made it all the way up to .8 miles in my 12 minutes. He has increased my other exercises for either weights or repetitions so I can build strength and usage of the leg back. I do notice improvements each time I go. Sometimes like today they may only be slight but none the less they are forward and that is all that matters to me. Once home I shoveled the driveway where it wasn't plowed. I did push myself but that should not surprise anyone. It was tiring and I came in to do some client work about 2. Well needless to say like usual as I was working off I went as my energy went out of me. Next thing I know it was 3:30 and it took me to 4:00 to get my energy back and so I could be up and running. I looked outside and as predicted we had and are still getting that lovely lake affect snow. I am just so eager to awake tomorrow morning to our new fallen snow.

The Day after Christmas

Well a miracle of Christmas this year for me is just being here. It is nice not having to get up and get going for the day. Sit, relax a bit and do something that Beth loves to do, read. Of course my like of material is a bit different. She brought a book about the criminal profiling written by one of the original founders for the FBI. It was fantastic to read and I enjoyed every minute of it. I realized why I love psychology so much and why I went on to getting the PhD's. We are so uniquely made and so interesting to watch. I often reflect back upon my day and how I have handled it. When I walked for the mail today I watched as I tried to take a step normally and could not. Realizing that I was made to take steps and could not and may not walk in a normal way again. Then I started thinking about my age and how as we get older our bodies do not work quite as well. As my thoughts continued I thought that I will make the most of my therapy and gather back as much of my normal as I can get and go from there. I also realized that still after five months of recovery still at 2:30 or 3 in the afternoon I get tired and feel worn to the point of needing a nap. My problem is that if I give into the need after about one and a half hours of sleep I wake up but as so relaxed all I want to do is go back to sleep. I have to fight like anything to get myself up and moving. Once I am up and moving around for about fifteen minutes I am like recharged with energy and ready to go. This may never change as the doctors have told me already. I will learn to work this into my day as I have already begun to do. I just do not want people thinking I am lazy, which I know comes from how I was raised.

Therapy day before Christmas

Well as I reported before my new challenge on the exercise bike is distance and today in my 12 minutes of time I made it to 3/4 of a mile. I am hoping to make it to a full mile in that time by the first of the year. That means that I can pedal at a speed of 5 miles per hour which is quite an accomplishment with what was once a paralyzed left leg. Then I did my weight lifting and instead of doing three sets of ten Andy added one more set so I now do four sets of ten. Andy added a few other things increasing my therapy which I love because I like to push and be pushed to accomplish. Comes from my childhood. When we end our session he hooks me up to the electrical stim machine which stimulates the muscles in my left foot to come to life and enable me to straighten my left foot, which I have been unable to do since last April. Well today when he hooked it up I was able to gain complete movement as I have never been able to do before. The visit was a great Christmas gift all in itself. I am so thankful to all and their help this year and what a year it has been. Between enduring the kidney stones for the last one and a half years, sciatica nerve damage and then the brain tumor it has still been a wonderful year with so much Blessing.

Neurologist's update

Well I have mixed emotions to say the least. Not having suffered a seizure in six months so I was praying that the doctor would tell me I could drive again in one, two or even three months. Also the medication I am taking for anti-seizure is Keppra. I am on 250 mg once a day, I once was on 1,500 mg a day so that is quite a change. So the doctor told me that the 250 mg was a dose that would only last about 6 hours. This means that taking it at 6 AM by noon my body was on its own for preventing a seizure. Lesson is that I no longer need the medicine. I loved hearing that message. Then I asked about driving only to hear that I cannot drive until the end of June time frame. I was defeated, feeling totally defeated. All I heard was "Phil for the next six months you need to ask for rides everywhere you want to go." I have already been a hindrance to enough people and here I have to continue! I hate it, absolutely hate it! What is worse is there is nothing I can do about it but accept it. I hate acceptance, never liked it at all. That being said, yes I will 'learn' to accept the no drive somehow. People have been so helpful they really have and I pray all will continue to be there.

So, that being that the doctor talked and showed me the brain and tumor. His screens are two flat screens each about 25 inches side by side for his computer. He pulled up my MRI from before showing the tumor and it was a big one. Then he showed me the MRI from a few months ago and we see the brain growth. The brain has grown back to occupy about 1/2 the tumor area. I asked the doctor if the brain would continue to expand and occupy the remaining empty area. To my surprise the doctor told me that the brain would not grow back and take back the area that was once occupied by the tumor. So bottom line is the brain is done doing what it will be doing upstairs sort to speak.

Now moving on to therapy. I asked the neurologist if I should continue physical therapy. My thinking was if the brain is not going to take back its space then my regaining use might not increase either. Well my neurologist asked me if I was making gains in my therapy and I responded yes I was. He said that I should continue the therapy then. He was very encouraging here as he said not only can I make gains up to a year but up to a year and a half which is six months more than I previously understood. That is good as I feel I can make even more strides in using my leg.

My neurologist looked at my afo brace for the leg and told me about a foot device that will send electrical stimulation as I walk to help the foot pick itself up as I walk. He said he did not think it would be covered by insurance so I asked how much it would cost. He told me it would cost between 2 and 3 thousand dollars. Wow! That is a bit much, so I plan on talking to my benefit people and see if I can get at least two thirds of it paid for by insurance so I can possibly get one. I honestly feel they owe me that much for all I have been through. Even if I cannot get one I will still make as many gains as I can, with or without them. I just felt so defeated when they said another six months.

I don't mean to complain really I don't but I have my private practice of my clinical counseling and teaching. It is full life and a busy one when I am driving so you can imagine what it is like trying to do that when I cannot drive. I have been limiting seeing clients to only two days a week so I could arrange rides and such. With the expenses accompanied with my private practice I was really hoping to increase to three days a week for clients but I would really need to have free access to come and go. Unfortunately I will not have that freedom so I am revisiting the schedule for teaching and my practice. Christmas is upon us and that too was hard because no matter what I wanted to do I had to talk to someone, arrange schedules and then try to accomplish it. Not having the ability to just go, like working on something in the house. Normally I could just hop in the car and run to the store if I needed something, not now.

With our recent snow fall I went out to try and shovel a bit. Not gonna happen. I tried but I was not able to really accomplish much at all. That does not mean I am not going to push and try again as I will. I am grateful to be here and have those around me who love and care for and about me. So here it is getting late and I need to wrap things up so I can head off to bed. I am wondering if the space in my brain area stays will that cause my headaches to continue for the remainder of my life? I can learn to live with that too I guess.

Terrible Day

Well I am so glad to see today come to an end. To start off I feel terrible physically. I guess I have an upper respiratory infection I am trying to weather as I wind up the semester. I had no voice so I saved it as much as I could for the lecturing I had to do. I managed to make it through all in all. I also called my surgeon's office again about my last test and the medication being cutback, driving and how all is going. Well I have called three times in the last two weeks and gotten no call back even though they have said they would call me back. Well today I finally found out why no one has called me back. They told me I needed to call my neurologist doctor and not my neurologist surgeon, which is who I have been calling. I told them no one told me to suddenly switch doctors so I had no idea. Here I have anxiously waiting to talk to them about reducing my anti-seizure medication to 1/2 of what I was taking or eliminating it all together. Well the good news if I called my neurologist and he will get me in next week pronto. I told them the 'list' of things I need to talk to them about and they were very understanding. Needless to say I was relieved but downhearted feeling like I was lost among the cracks. I will say though these still are the best doctors going as they have seen me this far. So now I have a next step and will keep you up to date.

My weekend

Well Friday was a great day to start my weekend. I woke up early Saturday morning, about 3 am, and I had this dry tickle in my throat. Well when I woke up early in the morning I was feeling really bad with a cold chill and headache. I got progressively worse as the day wore on. As Saturday went on I headed up to bed early in the evening calling it a day and hoping that the rest would do me good. I was feeling worse as the day continued. Well my Saturday night was not a rest one at all! I was up all night trying to sleep if that makes sense. Anyway I got up in the morning finally about 9 ish and came down stairs to the couch. That visit lasted for only about one hour before I went back upstairs to my bed. I stayed there until this morning when I made my way to school so I could administer some final exams. I have no idea what I have but I do know that it sucks. I had to cancel my therapy visit as I do not want to infect someone unknowingly [students don't count]. Just kidding. So tonight will be an early night again as I ready myself for tomorrow.

therapy update again

Well though the process was similar the results are changing. Like last time I put my foot into the strap for the bike and pedaled away. The resistance was set at 4 my highest so far and instead of 10 minutes Andy increased it by 2 minutes. I do not see it as a two minute increase but as a 20% increase. Anyway as I was doing my duty I was watching the distance and saw I had done a quarter of a mile. After a few seconds I thought hey let me go for distance so off I went and I made it to .41 of a mile. My game plan at my next visit on Monday is to do at least one half mile in distance. Andy also raised my weight for my leg lifts which was cool. All around the visit was like a fantastic increase. Of course now Andy will probably expect more and more as I go [which is good] meaning more work for me. He did tell me to work on stopping my compensation to lift the left leg by using my hip and let the leg muscles do the work they normally do. What has become habit is hard to break. Well I can also say that I am tired and worn out from the week. Next week is the last week of classes for my five classes I teach. Exams in all of them, scores and hand out final grades to my students. I actually had some new students approach me and tell me some current students had recommended me as a professor for classes. That is such a rewarding feeling, not to be recommended or liked but to know someone has learned and grown in life and I was Blessed to be a part of it. I am so glad that I taught this past semester.

snow and ice

Well today was my first day to face snow and ice with cane and my school 'luggage'. We only got about four inches but it was the heavy wet snow. I went out and tried to push shovel around the SUV so Beth could drive me to the campus to teach. I was able to do that and clean the car off but I will say it was interesting to work it. Once downtown to the campus I got out and the three inches of slush was real fun to maneuver through. It was an adventure for sure and I actually in some ways enjoyed the change and challenge of trying something new. Of course having my 17" laptop in my case over my shoulder made it all the more challenging as it was a bit lop sided for weight. It was my first taste of what I will face with my new challenges of snow and all. Of course with my attitude I am figuring that I will do and operate as I normally would. I know that will not be the case but I will start there and strive to stay as normal as I can maintain. I am waiting for my opportunity to use my snow blower too. That should be interesting. LOL!

Physical Therapy update

What a fantastic ending I had to my day today. It didn't start off too well but the end was nice. I went to my therapy visit with great results. I actually felt like a child at Christmas. I usually start off on the exercise bike and that is where I went today, only today was something different. Previously every time Andy has had to use two straps to hold my left foot in the stirrup while I pedal. Also Andy has to put my left foot into the stirrup because I cannot control it to put it their on my own. Well today I was at the bike and Andy was busy so I sat down and was able to put my foot in. Yes! After putting my foot in I was able to slide it up to stay in place and begin to pedal. I did my time with the resistance increased and my foot never slipped out once. Then when doing my leg lifts using weights I increased the weight by 2 1/2 pounds and I was also able to move my left foot with a little help even more. What a fantastic day it ended up being.

Facing the week

I had some interesting thoughts this weekend. As I wind down my classes, reading research papers and prepping for their last tests it is a busy time. I thought I would share where I am at in some ways with my healing. When I wake in the morning and a lot of times through out the day, when my brace is not on, the left foot swings left to right at a high rate when I go up or down the stairs. If the muscles in the left leg are tensed up the foot can go into its movement for about 30 seconds all on its own. If Beth sees if I ask her, "Can you do that?" I try to make a joke of it. From what I understand it is the neurons connecting and looking around. The other thing is when I go down or up the stairs or just plain walk without my brace, it is like playing pin the tail on the donkey. Eyes closed, blindfolded and put the tail on him. You aim the best you can and then hope. Well I do the same with placing my left foot. The difference is that I have my eyes open but the effort is the same. I go to place my left foot but it has a mind of its own and lands 'close' to where I am aiming. Unfortunately it is not where I want it but I am getting better at getting closer. So I am working at improving this and we will see what happens.

My brace, I am not sure if I have shared much about that. It allows me to bring my foot up but restricts me from bending it downward. The brace runs along the bottom of my foot so it stays flat and does not twist to a 45 degree angle with the right side going up. The brace runs up to just below my knee. The brace is in a 'C' shape and encompasses the back and sides of my left leg. There are three straps to hold it in place, one at the top, one above the ankle and the last one goes right across the top of the foot at the base of the foot. A problem is when I wear that brace for eight or more hours which is at least three days a week the foot and leg gets weary. It is cumbersome to walk with, hard to pick the leg and foot up to take a step. When I take the brace off the foot is really swollen and puffy. I don't want any sympathy but I did want to share what my life is like. Though the brace is my friend it is also my enemy in that it causes me discomfort and pain at the end of a day, along with frustration during the day as I struggle to walk.

Tomorrow after my teaching I will go to my physical therapy and see how I do. Andy said I am making improvements still so I will go forward. My goal is two fold, one is I want to be able to snorkel again as I love it and the second one is to be able to drive a standard shift again which is my 88 Trans AM. If it is His will that I gain neither that is OK with me it really is. Why? Because I have many other blessings that I will embrace and treasure. I do know that my normal routine is to put up the Christmas lights but not this year. I guess one reason to write this is to help those around me understand that my world is easy for some to put out of their mind but that does not end my struggle to walk, step or move. It is difficult but getting easier. I am beginning to ask myself, "OK am I at a point where I learn to live with where my disability is at? Do I look at how I need to compensate from this point forward?" or "Do I not accept where I am as healed and say with enthusiasm that I can push therapy harder and make larger gains."

No matter I will and am pushing forward and will continue to try to gain more movement and power over my leg and foot. I want to enjoy little Molly and any other future grandchildren that may be coming. They are so valuable and adorable.

Week ending

Well Friday is here and what a week it has been. I am tired both emotionally and physically. I saw my physical therapist today for the only time this week. I had other doctor appointments on Monday and today I could only do therapy for a half visit. I had to have a short visit because I needed to go to another specialist for a different medical issue and have an out patient procedure done. It was somewhat exploratory and I was told to keep up the treatments and come back in a month for a full procedure. I realize that I am being a bit ambiguous on the medical information but that is because it deals with an area that is a bit on the private side. Let me say though that I am grateful that the medical problem should be helped by the procedure I will be having done but to hear that I need to see this doctor a third time for yet another medical problem. As I finished at the doctors my mother driving me to my office to see clients for the remainder of the day said, "I wonder why all of this is happening to you? Why would God do this or allow it?" I told her how I had 50 years with really no medical issues at all. Then I said how the only way I am getting through all of this is with God and the strength He is giving to me. I am far from not falling down and weakening sometimes. I too this morning thought, "are you kidding me? I have to see yet another doctor for another procedure? I am tired of being poked, prodded and anything else!" So after all my clients, their problems of life and offering guidance and direction so they might improve their life and situation I am exhausted. I am 100% ready for the weekend. Without God I could not possibly have done anything and I thank Him for that. He strengthens me so I can do what I can. So if He is giving me strength then I will continue to go forward and give Him glory. In God I am able to do all things, for Him and not for me. God Bless all. :-)

Tuesday morning. .

Well what a few days I have had. Monday well actually Sunday night into Monday I was able to sleep for an hour, my left leg was cramping up, walking was unbearable and my stomach was not feeling the best. Under direct strong suggestion I stayed home and did not go in to teach. That too is hard for me, I worked at GM for 11 years before I took a vacation day or sick day. It was the best thing for me and that needs to be my focus but I am still trying to obtain that focus. Today was nice as we had 'snow' on the ground. Well out Phil went with snow shovel in hand to yes you guessed shovel the driveway. At least my game plan was to shovel around the car and clean it off so we could leave for the day. I like being able to do that. Well let me tell you pushing that shovel with one bad leg was difficult and a new experience. I did fairly well at the task and completed most of it. I also am glad that I have already paid for someone to plow the driveway this year when we get 3 inches or more. This is a first for me as I have never paid anyone to clear my driveway but this morning only reinforced the fact that I did the right thing. Last night was restful and peaceful for me. Life goes on and so does my rehabilitation.

Weekend Update

It would be a lot easier but more boring if I updated this on a daily basis, I think. Had a busy weekend and an interesting one. First off I went to Canada for two days and one evening. I realized how slow I walk when we were walking through Niagara On The Lake. What an interesting learning experience also. We stopped for some lunch and I needed to use the restroom. Well it was located downstairs, it was an older building which is Niagara On The Lake, and then a long small hallway. Then back up but lunch was great. We walked and I tried to remember which stores were around. Not all of it came back to me. Afterwards it was back to the hotel in Niagara Falls and an accessible room. I learned that the accessible room was a bit more than I actually need at this point. That was a good thing as about six weeks ago I would have needed many if not all of the installed items making the room accessible. I nice walk and dinner rounded off the night. Breakfast the next morning was also interesting. I was making my way to a table with my cane and a foodtray in the other hand. Three ladies in their 20's were sitting there and the fourth chair was pushed away from the table making it difficult to get by. Unfortunately no one offered any assistance at all but I made it just fine. As I was eating another man came in using a push walker. One on wheels where you can kneel on it as you go. Seeing how seating was not available it was obvious he was going to have to take the same path I did and that chair was still there. As he made his way all three staired as he had to move the chair himself to get by. Not one of them said a thing, but I did under my breath. I said, "You know like me I am positive he did not ask for the condition he currently has and is dealing with." Beth said to me "God has really opened your eyes to this area of life hasn't He?" I answered yes He has. While I was finishing up a fourth came and sat at the chair pushed away from the table. When she sat down she did not pull the chair to the table as I was taught to do as a child. As I was leaving it was barely enough room for me to get by. I will say that she 'leaned' forward in the chair, but did not move it. I told her "Thanks that helped a lot." It is like people who have struggles are invisible to so many people. Why are some like that today and I will be the first to admit I did not notice people being that way prior to this. Well the ride back was interesting too. If you know the bridges at the border there are three and the furtherest one to the north is Lewiston which is usually the most open. Well it took us almost 2 hours to get across and that was with six lanes open letting cars through. It did only take us about 30 seconds to get through on our turn. My sleep has improved again and that was good. I do have therapy tomorrow and I need to tell the therapist that my quads (upper leg muscles) were a bit sore and still are. I have also noticed that when my left leg is growing tired and I stretch it like normal my toes actually stretch up and back. What is weird is that after the stretch I cannot do it on my own. I think this means that eventually I will be able to do it. I am not a neurologist but if I can do it automatically with a stretch but not on my own power that the connections are there I just have to connect them up for me to use. I will check with Andy tomorrow and see what he has to say on it.

Memories

The surgeon told me if my memory was affected do not be surprised. Flash forward to today, Turkey Day, there is the turkey ready to be cut as each year. As I sat looking at the turkey to carve I actually had a hard time recalling exactly how and what I use to use to carve it. Which kitchen rack I set it on, which plate the meat on and such. It was a bit odd to say the least. All went well in the end. Now for a couple of days of relaxation and rest. Last night was a sleepless one so I am praying that is not the trend for tonight. I have not had that in about three weeks. I am doing my exercises and I think my foot is getting a little more straight instead of turning to the outside ankle. The left foot also shakes a lot and I was told that that is most likely the brain making connections with the neurons in the foot again. Let us pray. The headaches well they continue but are manageable. I have no idea what I would do without my multi channels on my sleepless nights........

What a day

Well the weekend was not too bad but I was tired a lot of the time and feel drained a lot of the time. Those around me keep saying "listen to you body, listen to your body" so I try. Problem is as a child, growing up, I instilled in myself that you ignore the body and push, go forward, feel no pain, rest is for tomorrow. I think that this is part of the new normal that Kate said way back in June or July time frame. In some ways I reflect upon that and think how much she was really speaking in a future sense. I am learning a new normal is so many things and will impact my life in many more ways as the days come. My teaching is going well and the students for the most part are pleasing and encouraging to me. I had my physical therapy today and Andy worked me hard. He gave me some new exercises that are at the next stage and I am making improvements. He took some measurements of resistance and strength and I am making strides forward so that is good. I am looking forward to the Thanksgiving holiday and taking some rest.

Looking for the weekend

Well I actually was able to actually help someone else. I actually had more Blessed ability to help someone less fortunate. A lady in a motorized wheelchair needed my help with doors and the elevator. It felt rewarding to be able to help and it also helped remind me of what I still am Blessed with and not what I cannot do. Of course as to sleep, last night for some reason I woke up after an hour of sleep for the first five hours so rest was elusive to me last night. I remind myself that the doctors told me that sleep would be interrupted for up to a year. I know when I was done teaching today and got home I without knowing just sat down to watch a bit of television. After a few minutes sitting I was out for about an hour. When I woke up I had next to nothing for energy. My left foot is still unstable or appears to be to me. I see my regular pt tomorrow so I will ask him what he thinks. It was a positive day over all though. One thing I am noticing is that it takes time for me to accomplish simple tasks, time that many are unaware of because the same as I use to be it meant nothing. Like I say to cross a street meant nothing as I would simply walk, trot or run faster. Not having that ability makes a difference, but a difference I can easily learn to live with. One thing that is funny is Beth and I noticed that on two television shows they had scenarios where a character was injured or stroked leaving some paralysis. The amazing thing is they are both nearly 100% recovered, which Beth reminds me they are television. Still in a way it is motivating as I think, I can achieve that too! My students are very encouraging in all of my classes which is uplifting.

Good Day

Well today was a busy day to the point that I [and I know this would shock Beth] was asking myself why am I doing so much and that I am doing too much. I didn't say that I would slow down but I did think of it seriously. I had a good friend from my interactions with the court work pick me up today for some lunch together. Anne and I had a great time and it was so nice. When I have opportunities like this is it is very uplifting to me because it takes me away from the drive of work and puts me in the focus of living life in a normal way. It is very enjoyable. Anyway after a full day of teaching and lunch I was at the office of my private practice to see clients for the day. That is when I realized just how much I am doing and pushing. Anyway day is done and now I am home. I noticed tonight that my left foot is turning sideways toward the ankle every time I try to take a step. It is as if my foot is weak from over use. I am guessing but it normally does not do that. Last night was a great night as I only woke up two times for about fifteen minutes and then back to sleep for the entire night. I love it. So things are still improving therapy wise.

update

Well I had my physical therapy visit today and it went well. I am improving on the abilities and the stim machine is still doing good work on my left foot. I realize after a day of teaching physical therapy is demanding but I will go forward! Last night was quite restless as far as sleep goes but I am getting use to that. I am wondering if I am going to condition myself so that I do not sleep through the night. My teaching is going great and the students are good also. I am so glad that I pushed to teach and go forward with it. All in all I guess it really is a testament to God that I had the brain surgery mid July and six week later I was working full time teaching, seeing clients in my private practice and doing some other duties also. My head still feels weird, and when the neurologist did my EEG she said she noticed the scar that still has not healed which is where I have banged it repeatedly. I just like going things around the house and working with wood. I love to do wood burning and use my tools to make things like the Noah's Ark I made for Molly last Christmas with all the animals that go inside. So overall life is good.

Nice Sunday

Well it was on the warm side today so I tried to get somethings accomplished. I was able to mow the front yard wearing my brace. I will wear it most of the time now. I got the snow blower out and started it up to get it ready for winter and all went well. Of course I am not fooling myself, I am also talking to have someone available to plow the driveway. With all the lake effect snow we get I will not be able to clear it when we get the heavy snow falls. I still wish I had more ability to accomplish things around the house because I so enjoy doing that. More will come with time I know and I am continuing to make progress. Time will tell, and I have more physical therapy tomorrow.

Looking back

I was thinking back looking at all the medical issues in my life. I use to speak with such pride when asked about my medical background. At the ripe old age of 28 I could state that with the exception of one in and out medical procedure I had no other hospital visits. Since a child I was Blessed to avoid the hospital and someone who has known me for awhile mentioned that maybe that is why the last two years have been so hectic on me. The conversation came up because they asked me how I was honestly doing and I told them I was feeling emotionally exhausted. They knew I was not the type to complain or let most people know if I needed help. The person was also well aware that in May of 2008 I was diagnosed with a kidney stone called a staghorn about the size of a golf ball but a bit smaller. The doctor put me under three times and blasted them only to cut it down to about one third of its original size. In between the first and second blasting's I developed sciatica nerve damage, and went to physical therapy to help it heal. So here I sit today eighteen months after the discovery of kidney stones and I still have them, had brain surgery, left leg is partially paralyzed, and am looking at possibly needing surgery on yet another 'new' issue that has cropped up. I know to some this may sound like I am complaining but I really am not. I am just so use to doing for myself and others. I admit though that I did and do feel exhausted emotionally, kind of like re-gaining strength with the help of God. I have no idea what the future holds but I do know that it will be a Blessing no matter. I am just going to take things one at a time and not let them over come me. Last night was a good night as I slept for about eight hours only waking up two times. That is impressive for me at this point. I didn't wear my AFO brace the last four days because I thought it was restricting me too much in being able to bend my knee. So I wore the old ones that are more just heavy cloth. I realized though on Thursday that my left foot was turning to its side again, so I had to walk very slowly. Bottom line is I made a big mistake because my left foot is sore to walk with. I found out I didn't know as much as I thought I did. Oh well I will use the AFO brace and work the muscles to strengthen the foot as much as it will. My brother told me how some have had surgery done to shorten the tendons up to help strengthen a foot when you stretch them out too much. So in about four weeks I see the 'new' doctor to see if I will require surgery or am healing by the body's own power. I pray that is the case so I can see about getting the kidney stone out surgically as is needed at this point. I am so thankful for my faith and the faith of those around me. I wonder how people who do not have faith, what do they do when these things are before them? I also know that though I am emotionally tired He will give me strength and see me persevere.

EEG Day

Well I went and had my EEG this morning and it went well. I am glad that it is the end of the week. I got home from my EEG about 11 this morning and laid down only to wake up at 3 this afternoon. When I woke up I was still tired and sat thinking about how it has been four months since surgery. I called my surgeon's office and when they get the results I will hear and hopefully be one step closer to driver freedom! I will update more tomorrow as I plan to head off to bed.

EEG in the morning

Well it is 2:40 in the am and I am awake but by choice. I have my EEG first thing in the morning and one piece of it sleeping for about 25 minutes. To do this, like last time, they ask you to sleep deprive yourself. Last time was pre-surgery so it was no problem as I was sleeping through the nights previously so I had the energy. This time around is different, in the last two days I have slept only about seven hours total so I thought no problem tonight. Well like usual I was wrong, I must have fallen asleep about 11:30 and just woke up. My problem is tonight I want to go back to sleep I feel completely drained. Having done my post surgery norm I woke up after at most three hours and cannot let myself go back to sleep. :( I mean what luck I have a night I am finally able to sleep and I have to stay awake. I will update tomorrow as to the EEG though I will not have the results complete.

Flu Shot

Well I seen my primary care physician on Monday and have great news. My blood pressure has always been a problem and has never been lower than 120 over 84 with medication, well it was 102 over 64. My doctor asked if I was feeling light headed because he was surprised. Thank you God! He also suggested I get the regular flu shot especially because of my full time teaching the college students and their hygiene habits. Well I have never had one before so I found out I am one of those who gets the bonus with the shot. The bonus I am talking of is having the flu like symptoms for the next 24 hours. I had a hard time making it through the day today but managed. The ortho brace the hospital made for my leg I think may be restricting my movement so I going to go back to wearing a cloth type support that pulls the foot up so it does not drop freely. Hopefully it will allow me to work the leg and knee more so I can build more strength up in it. I do not know how much longer my window of recovery will last so I want to do what I can. One thing I have learned from this whole experience is that this is my body and I have to take care of it. My sleeping seems to be going more off key lately. Currently it is midnight and I only slept four hours last night and I laid in bed for three hours before getting back up tonight. My problem is I am wide awake, so where is everyone? LOL! People really helpful in rides and taking me where I need to go. I am actually getting use to being a passenger and not the driver. Well my sleepless nights will be helpful when I go for my EEG on Friday.

Sunday November 8

Well another weekend done and week ahead. Preparing for winter my snowblower needed to have some repair work done on it. The challenge I faced was being able to be agile enough to get up and down and back and forth from my tool box to the snowblower. Though it was challenging I was able to finish the job with success. I felt good being able to accomplish that task. I have enjoyed working on my cars for years since my youth so being able to get back to it was nice. Being able to accomplish something around the house made me feel normal and it was nice, especially with the weather being so nice outside today. Friday I have my EEG to check for seizures and measure my brain activity. My next step in the process of healing back to normal.

Physical Therapy Update

Well I had my physical therapy visit today and it was once again a fantastic visit. Andy ran me through my exercises as usual but he added some repetitions to some of them, and weight to some others. In lifting leg weights he had me do ten more reps. What is amazing is he also added a new exercise and we did the added exercise and increased repetitions in the same time period. Which I never thought about til I was done and gone but my speed or ability to perform the exercises is increasing. He also uses an electrical stim on my left foot to try and help make connection with the nerves again for movement. Well the ability to pick it up is increasing and he had me try to gain range of motion this time. I was so pleased with my gains. I know I write about only getting so much movement back but I want to keep in focus that I am gaining. Recently visiting the granddaughter Molly I also realized how much I want to gain leg strength and knee movement. When she would run and turn back to look and laugh as if to say "come get me". I cannot, she is faster than me. So one of my new simple goals is to catch Molly. : )

Will it change

I have waited a few days to update wanting to put something in that was different, new, uplifting. Truth is there is not much to report, again I do not want to let myself go toward a negative mode. Going to a negative mode is so easy for anyone to do and I want to avoid it. Something I see myself facing more and more is that I hear those close to me saying how willing they are to help yet I see behaviors that they are growing tired of helping. My problem is as I recover I am almost at my four month mark. The surgeon told me that that recovery is open the first six to eight months possibly to a year. He did indicate that eight months is a good mark as far as how much recovery or gain back I will get from my paralysis. Well that means I have anywhere from another two to four months to gain more movement. My left foot which has atrophy of the muscles to the point that it sits at a 45 degree angle with the inside up and the outside pulling down. Though the mis-diagnosis or missed diagnosis and my own stubbornness I tried to self compensate for the problems last April. So April, May and June I would mow my yard two times a week constantly twisting my left foot stepping down on the outside which strained ligaments. When I walk the foot shakes when it is tired, muscles fatigued or when I first wake up. I still lose my balance while walking with no brace in the evening. Tonight as I was stepping up from our familyroom to the kitchen my left foot only made it half way to the step up and when I had to bring it back down it turned and I stepped down on the side of it. It was very painful yet again. I fear that if I do not gain a lot more usage then I will be letting down those around me because they are already beginning to act as if I have more capabilities than I do. When Kate said learn a new normal it was more than me, as those around me, close to me need to also accept my new normal. My new normal may be, and probably will be considerably less than I once could do. I am not looking for sympathy but as I struggle to accept what I can and can not do it seems some of those around me are not. I use to walk up and down the stairs to the basement no problem. If there was a task to do around the house, paint a room, fix something on my cars, mow the lawn, snowblow the driveway I would just do it. Now I have to sit and plan, I can only make so many trips up and down, it takes lots of time to do the stairs. I am thinking to myself today, will I be able to snowblow my driveway this winter? If not then I need to decide now so I can have someone plow it to get in and out of the driveway. So many things in life that are simple or easy for people to do are now tasks for me to accomplish. I will strive to build endurance, build strength and gain more movement so I can do more this way those who expect me to be able to do what I use to do I might please. It is hard, I will go forward, I will continue to pray for help and guidance. What ever the final outcome I will accept it and learn to live with my final new normal. I do not want to sound complaining as that is not my intention but maybe if you know someone who is trying to rehabilitate from something that just maybe they will not be able to what they use to be or do what they use to do. They may need help and your support for time to come. Like I say what generated this is that some near me seem to be growing tired of my need for assistance and understanding which unfortunately may not change much and I have absolutely no control over that, but rest assured I will continue to fight to get back every muscle movement and control I can muster! I do so much appreciate those who are doing for me and everything they do. This week while Beth was gone I had people who were strangers to me but heard of my plight and picked me up every morning at 7 am to take me downtown so I could teach. That was so fantastic! I thank them for their generosity to me.

Sunday evening and back at home

Well, the ride home was just as interesting and who would have thought, not me, that three months after surgery I am still learning a new normal. First the plane ride.

Little Molly helped me check my bag into the airport, she wheeled it up to the counter and then to the Inspector. The problem was she did not want to give up possession of it to the Inspector. :( Then she walked me to the security and waved good-bye. As I went through security they as before in Rochester were accommodating and willing to work with me. They did a few things differently in Milwaukee though, in Rochester they only checked my brace for explosive residue after I walked through the scanner which I did not set off. In Milwaukee the waved the wand over my entire body, made me take my belt off and run through the conveyor belt, the hand scanner went off when they ran it over the top of my head. I explained I have six titanium plates holding my skull together. The gentleman then patted me down arm, legs, waist and body just like a police officer. While it was more extensive it was not a hindrance, I thought his thoroughness was impressive. So on the plane and to Detroit, they had a wheelchair waiting as I got off the plane and wheeled me to my gate. I wondered why the planes cannot keep such an accurate schedule if their wheelchairs can? Again, all were VERY helpful.

I did notice though that I have some needs that even those near to me do not stop to realize. It is not their fault, but I do feel a responsibility to inform them. One is that I need people who are walking with me to walk only on the left side of me not the right. I have discovered that I need to walk near the wall so those who are faster, which is most people, can go around me only on the left side. It makes it safer for me to not lose my balance by someone cutting me off. Something else I noticed is that people see me using my cane with my right hand and my left hand is free. So they 'assume' I can carry something with my free hand. Well unfortunately I have to make sure I keep my balance and with the brace on my left foot, restricted movement it is easy to lose my balance and if I have something in my left hand I find it very hard to regain my balance. If it is something of weight then that will throw my balance off. So it may appear to some people that I can carry something or help out and my response may be no. I have seen that when I go to decline it is interpreted by some close to me that I am being unwilling or hard to get along with. Nothing could be further from the truth, but it is hard to for those who are not in my shoes to understand what I can and cannot do.

It is my fault most times as I do not take time to sit and explain to the person exactly why I cannot help or why I need them to walk on a certain side. What makes it more difficult is that I am still learning myself. Like the walkway to the airplane. You know those little declines that are only about 4 inches long? Well they are huge to me as the walkway is already in a decline. It is amazing how many things in life have meaning today that were meaning less yesterday....

My first air plane ride

Yes, believe it or not I flew for the first time since my surgery and it was interesting. I am flying out in a few hours to come home. When I left I will say that the Transportation Authority who checks you through were Fantastic and very Understanding. They really went to meet my needs in a manner to be quick and respectful, thank you. Once through we had to tell Northwest that I will need wheelchair service in Detroit to get to my next gate. What a new feeling, I thought that was at least 20 years off. While waiting for boarding to begin the air line put me in the first row so I would not have to walk back the very narrow aisle which was nice. Well for pre-boarding the counter attendance announced over the pa, " Only those sitting in row one may board at this time, but only row one." Well the only person who stood up to board was me. So the entire area watched Phil walk 'slowly' to the counter and board the plane. I was like the center of attention and that was embarrassing, but I was very grateful for their assistance. Upon arrival at Detroit the attendant was there with a wheelchair to take me quite a ways to my next gate. I must say that was my easiest walk through an airport in thirty years of air travel. LOL! Well the flight to Milwaukee was nice I sat in a center seat but people were most helpful on both flights. It was nice to see the good in people. Eric and Kate picked us up, ready to go and off we went. It was a great visit with little Molly who is growing so quickly. Today after church I will arrive at the airport and make my way through their security which I hope is the same as Rochester's.

Always Learning

As the title states today I learned something new, well realized anyway. Before that though I was able to sleep about 4 and 1/2 hours last night so that is improving. Still I was tired this morning as I headed out to tackle the day. The day went fairly well and I am really glad that I am teaching and chose to go forward in faith that He would provide for me to go forward. Teaching is the one area where I feel really useful. I actually tried going to one class minus my cane for support and did OK. I am more aware of the restriction on my left leg without it. To see the students enjoy learning and interaction is great! I even heard some of them tell me how they were enjoying the class and learning a lot. Back to my new learning, as I was leaving I always walk through an area like a portico of tables set up for people to eat, drink and study at. Well as I was walking I noticed that someone had dumped their ice from a cold drink on the carpet. Instantly I realized that should my cane or foot hit and slip on the large ice cubes I will be going down amongst the tables and chairs. While I was able to maneuver around the enemy 'cubes' I discovered a new enemy. Just like puddles of water were discovered the other day with all this wonderful rain we have had. Being that as I tried to step my left leg over a puddle of water as I stepped down into the street in my efforts to cross, I failed to clear it. As my foot hit the puddle it brought back memories of being a child. The reason my child entered is because with little control over my left foot is hit the pavement with force just like a child jumping into the puddle with both feet to see how high the water can go. Life is an adventure for us all, mine has just gone into a new area for me. I constantly recall what Kate wrote when she said I would have to learn a new way, my paraphrase. I am learning a new new all the time and gaining a new appreciation for those around us. Being a psychologist I love people watching but now my focus has added what skills and abilities so many of us, me included take for granted. I have grown to appreciate even more how Blessed I am in what I have and I am continued to be Blessed......

Never Ending Tuesday

Well it is a little after 11 pm and I am finding it hard to sleep yet again so I thought I would add to my blog and maybe that will help to tire me. I realized today just how much people look past people and not at them. I knew this before being in psych0logy but having my condition of my leg working about 33% changes my view. My first example was first thing this morning as I entered the building on my way to my office to prep to teach I catch the elevator for my floor. I have not gotten brave enough to do the stair escalator yet. Anyway I was about fifteen feet from the two elevators and there were two people waiting for the elevator to take them up also. Well, both opened at the same time to go up and guess what? Each person made the elevator personally theirs closing the doors as I approached. I guess both taking one elevator so one was still available for the next person was a bit much to expect. So they both stared at me hobbling along with cane in hand towards them as their doors closed. I wondered if they were going to the same floor. Later on as I was making my way to Beth's office for my taxi ride home I started on my two block walk. I crossed my first street and headed for my second street to cross and then just up a block to her office. Funny but now the walk - don't walk signs and traffic lights changing are really important to me. Not having the ability to move quickly I time it out. I was watching and the little person walking that was lit up was still there, the flashing orange hand had not shown and I was nearly to the corner. Could I actually make it? Well some people also walking the street seemed to stop right in front of me so I had to make my way around them with my cane and bag over the shoulder. Well just a few made it so the evil flashing hand was in place and the light changing. As I passed or made my way around a person I said "Oh excuse me, sorry" which I know was a bit of sarcasm [which I teach my students is never constructive] but it got the best of me. That is when I realized, was I oblivious to the needs of others when I was all good to go? Being honest I probably was, I mean they are not purposely being rude or mean but did I ever take a minute to see if my action could make life easier for them? Don't get me wrong many hold a door for me and such, though some today kept moving and let it close on me. I just never realized how walking around people makes such a difference when walking is strenuous like it is on me. Going the two blocks was more than enough where my left leg was shaking when I picked it up to take a step, so every step was important. I use to take steps for granted and thought all could but some cannot. That being said this not sleeping is beginning to have a pattern to it and I will talk to the doctor in the morning. Since being up all day Sunday I have had a total of seven hours of sleep up to tonight, midnight Tuesday. I am not tired like I usually would get though so it is new to me.

Monday October 26th

Everyday is a new adventure for sure. I was only able to sleep for two hours last night for some reason. I don't know why sleep was so hard to find but it was elusive the last two nights, so I hope tonight is not a three-peat. I also had a physical therapy visit today and Andy had me doing leg weights at 30 pounds where before I was doing only 15 pounds per lift. I am guessing this means the leg muscles are getting stronger. I see my foot moving and I don't know if it is moving more than before which made me wonder if it is really moving. Given this I asked Andy and he assured me that the foot is moving and is continuing to grow in movement. The therapy was tiring but that is a good thing as it means it is pushing me to grow. I also asked the doctor if I could cut down on my anti-seizure medicine and am waiting on an answer. I have seen so many people being helpful and offering me help. Well I tried sleeping again and no good. : ( So I have the ever faithful cat Bambi next to me watching Legally Blonde on tv. It actually is not that bad a movie either. Maybe this is one of those phases they spoke of saying sleep patterns can be off and unique all their own. I guess I can get a jump on my classes for the morning and then this weekend I get to look forward to seeing Molly, granddaughter, for a few days. That will be sweet, just like her! :)

Saturday

Today was a very short day for me. I took my medicine to sleep and deal with my headaches and actually got up past 9AM. Well as the day went my energy level did not go up at all. I actually fell asleep on the couch from about 1 til 4. I don't know if the busy week took its toll or what but unlike my normal routine of fighting and going forward no matter I decided to take friends advice and listened to my body. So I took it easy and rested. Sorry for the short update but I am going back, yes you guessed it, back to resting.

October 23

Well I had my doctor visit today and found out that there is a small tear in my colon wall causing bleeding. They are not sure what exactly caused it but I will deal with it and do what I need to heal. I seem very tired and run down today so I spent most of the day on the couch. Tomorrow I am going to attend something that gives me great joy in life so I am looking forward to it. Beth wants me to sit back and rest but this will give me a rewarding experience. On a brighter note, Beth wanted me to pump gas this morning so I agreed. So on a brighter note here is my experience doing that this morning. As I got out of the car I reached and pulled my 'cell phone' out. Then I realized that would not pay for gas and I had no idea what I was doing. Then I realized I needed my credit card so I pulled it out only to look at the pump and wonder what do I do next. I looked at the receipt dispenser and realized my card did not go there. Then I saw the diagram and was able to figure it all out, pumped the gas and off we went. Funny how not doing something for a period of time how easily we can forget. I felt so foolish not knowing how or where to slide my card in to be able to pump the gas. The day over all was a good one though the weather is wet and damp which does not feel good, but I know I feel completely drained and will rest. I have to listen to my body.

MRI Thursday

Well I only took three Valium this time around before the MRI because I have a fear of being enclosed, claustrophobic. Well it relaxed me nice, the tests were finished and off to the surgeons office we went. Dr Pilcher brought us in and showed us the wonderful pictures of my brain. Technology is amazing! Anyway we saw a picture of the tumor originally and pictures from today. That piece was good to go, no sign of any tumor. Where the tumor was is being filled in brain, meaning I can still gain more movement. Praise Him! I got home and with the assistance of the Valium I slept all afternoon, nice and relaxed. So tomorrow I have some more tests to go through and hopefully they too prove nothing to be concerned with. I am looking forward to my resting tonight also. Take care and thank you for all the prayers. The Dr also scheduled my EEG in November and I may, only may, but could be reinstated with the privilege of driving a car once again! ! !!

Pre MRI

Well what an interesting life this is. While I was finishing my day teaching I got a call from the surgeon telling me I had to get blood work done before my MRI. My mom [76 yrs. of age] ventured down to the city to pick me up as time was of the essence. We got to our destination at 4:05 only to find out the lab closed at 4. Not to be deterred we ventured to a second destination and managed to get the blood drawn so it is a go ahead. Today was a fairly decent day weather wise and I actually slept a bit last night. I am not sure if it was sleeping or if I was just so physically and emotionally drained I zonked for a five hour sleep! Oh yea! So now I can relax and prepare to do the stuff. I get my MRI and then more tests on Friday that have come into the picture. So I have a few busy days that lay ahead. No matter I will still try to rest, relax and take life in... I will update tomorrow as to my MRI findings, tumor gone or some still there. Either way my hair is growing back, my left foot moves, I can pick my leg up and put it into my pant leg getting dressed so I am progressing [with God's help].

Week of Testing

Last night again was not very restful for length but the doctor told me that would happen. One reason that it also was not restful is the MRI coming up, which I am not worried about, but I have to see another doctor on Friday for a different check up. So with that being said facing more than the originally anticipated appointment and new tests I would like to ask for prayers. There is nothing factual to share right now other than I have a Friday appointment with a different doctor. With all that weighing on my mind I am a bit perplexed mentally and worn. I think of those songs I echoed in my mind just before surgery and as soon as I came out, mostly Aaron Schust "My Savior Lives". Then after that I think of little Molly. . . . . she is so cute !

Cold wet Saturday

My sleeping pattern of interruption returned too quickly. I am still thrilled to watch my foot move back and forth. Feeling a bit warm and tired Beth thinks I may be coming down with something. I am continuing to work on my exercises so I gain more and more movement. I know with the headaches and all I am going to take advice given and stay in front of the pain not try to keep even with it. I am looking forward to Thursday when I get my MRI to validate the tumor is 100% gone. If it is not then I will do radiation treatments to address it. Either way I am thrilled to be where I am at today. There is a lot of great news though, I take showers once again standing up as I am able to get in and out of the bathtub. I can lift the left leg high in one movement. I also started this week to get into an automobile by lifting my left leg up and putting it into the car, like normal. It is so nice to begin to do somethings the way I did them before the surgery. Not having had a seizure since the beginning of July it is getting harder to recall them which is fine with me. Andy has me lifting weight with my left leg and pedaling a bicycle using my left foot as much as possible. He is definitely a Blessing to me.

A Cold Thursday

I don't think I should have posted how well I slept for two nights because last night for some reason was bad. I could not seem to sleep more than an hour at a time before waking up with a headache. I am not sure if it was the colder weather or not. I do know that the week is done for clients and classes. I was standing outside downtown Rochester waiting on a ride and I realized that though my hair may be filling in the scalp is still fairly bald. The lovely northeast wind with our lovely 'low' temperatures was too much for me and proved to be an enemy giving me a terrible headache yet again. I had it suggested to me to get a knitted cap to cover my head and ears which I think I will. I will look for a nice "Steelers" hat to wear and keep my little ears and head warm. I thought my hair was filled in but that is not the case. The hair that is there is getting longer but there is a lot of scalp area that is still bald, I need some hair seed. LOL! I am able to still move my toes and foot so I am thrilled and I head to pt tomorrow now that I have increased it to two times a week. I will say though as bad as the headaches can be it is a million times better than suffering one of those seizures for twenty minutes, which I have not had since early July! Thank you God! I pray I can get a good night sleep tonight.

October 14

Well good news is the last two nights I slept for a five hour and a four hour period without waking up. That is a first for me. Last night I sat on the couch and just moved my toes back and forth a little bit and gleamed with pride. I never thought I would take so much pride in being able to move my toes a little. LOL! I have also upped my pt to two times a week to try and gain as much ground as I can while my body is responding. For the first time I am actually believing that I just might be able to drive a standard again. Oh yea! My headaches have been a lower in their intensity also, it could be weather related as the weather has been a bit calmer as far as fronts moving through goes. Classes are going well and the thinking is right there for me. So over all things are going quite well for me. It is still hard to believe that I went through brain surgery though as it happened so quick. In eight days I get my MRI to validate no more tumor exists, which I pray is the case. : ) Take care and God Bless.

October 12th

Well today I got to see Andy today for my pt visit and it was fantastic. He checked out my left foot for movement as I wanted him to validate my thoughts. He was thrilled to see how much I could move the foot up and down. We talked about me seeing him a bit more often to continue working on my left leg. The strength is growing and the foot is moving up and down. What a fantastic Monday this is.

A new week

It is hard for me to believe, realize, that I had the surgery 11 1/2 weeks ago but it has been that long. I can still move my left foot and I 'think' I have more movement and more consistency at moving it. I keep moving it up and I see some down movement in it now. At least I think I do. I have my pt therapy tomorrow and will check with Andy to see what he says. If I am able to move it up and down then there will be hope that I may drive my Trans AM again, being a standard and all. : ) I have another busy week ahead of me and I need to continue to keep it at a pace and relax when I can. I was able to do a little bit of work around the house this weekend and my son Tim helped around the house last weekend. That is still hard for me to deal with. There are simple tasks to do and I need help either doing them or someone to do them for me all together. The headaches seem to stick with me still, Beth keeps telling me to 'stay ahead of them' which is hard for me when I would rather not take medication. I am trying to listen and do as I am told so I will follow that path. Either way the prayers are definitely working as I am still making improvements and my last pt had given up on my progress. Thanks to all. . .

Wednesday

Well today was a hard day, but then I knew they would come. I pushed too much yesterday, went for too long of a day, failed to do what I should have done for Phil. The result was over tired, bad headache [another weather front came through] and only four hours of sleep for the night. Today when my day ended for my commitments I ventured home and took care of myself. Taking care was to lay down and rest, I had very little energy but still a nice headache so on the couch is where I remained for the day and even to now as I update the blog. I think this learning curve on learning how to slow down and give myself permission to rest when I feel I need it. So now back to resting and then to bed. . . . . .

Monday

Well what started off as a normal regular day ended up providing some fantastic ends. My classes went well, my night was normal meaning two and 1/2 hours sleep before waking up only to repeat it again. I must say though I am getting use to the sleeping ritual and I was warned ahead of time that it would happen. At the end of my classes I had my pt with Andy and that is where my surprise came in. Andy asked me to move my left foot the best I could and normally everyone sits and stares only to see no movement. Well low and behold my left foot actually moved, only about one and a half inches but it moved again and again. Then I went to do my leg raises and I moved my left leg all straight higher than ever before for three repetitions of ten. I was so thrilled, progress is progress and without all the support of everyone I don't think I would have been able to do it. It is so encouraging to see and know that I am still going forward, making progress and getting back usage of my leg. It kind of makes me eager to want to see what new gains I can make tomorrow and the day after.....

"Sunday's never ending"

Well here it is again, a new week. I was a bit tired today and so I gave myself permission to rest and take it easy. I also have another first. When I came home from the hospital I had to use a bench in the bath tub to shower for support and stability. Well I have been practicing and testing my balance all week and today I took the bench seat out and put it away. Yes I have graduated and grown up. LOL! I absolutely love making these strides because it gives me encouragement. I am also noticing I am gaining a bit more control over my left leg and the ability to lift it up. The foot still looks a bit of a different color than the right one and it is a bit puffy but the professionals see it and are not worried. So I guess I too will not be too concerned. I am so greatful to all of those who make themselves available to drive me around. If it were not for them I would be house bound every day. I am looking forward to the week and therapy.

October 2

Hard to believe it has been over eight weeks since my surgery, but it has been. Had a somewhat busy day today as usual. Again though I felt real fatigued about 2 and had once again lay down and soon I fell asleep. I woke up after about an hour and tried as hard as I could to get myself up and going but could not. Finally I gave into the need for my body to rest. I also had it reinforced to me today that my periods of fatigue will probably last up to a year. This means that I need to be open to giving myself permission to rest and not feel like I am wasting time. This is hard for me to do because of my life in the past. I am looking forward to the weekend and some time to do a few things around the house so I am accomplishing some things.

A little help from my friends

I am so grateful today is at an end. I had my classes today to teach and during one I was observed for evaluation. A problem for me that I like to move around and be interactive with my students and learners. Well with my left leg not working I am unable to do that. It feels awkward but I think it is probably more me than anything. Still I tried my best but it made me wonder, will I reach a point when I learn to live with my condition and when is that? I don't know. While I was walking to one class, dragging my pull a-long roller bad in my left hand and my cane in my right, I felt my cane kicked out from under me. I couldn't believe it happened. Then I realized it, I had kicked out the cane myself. Luckily I caught my self and did not fall face first in front of everyone. I am still learning "be careful". Other than that the headaches remain and so does my determined desire to progress.

Hard Days Night

Well last night was not so restful yet again. I am still getting use to this interrupted sleep pattern I experience. Well I made it 11 days not hitting my head, yes you guessed I did it today 'again'. Same place that I hit before and before. What are the odds of hitting your head in the same exact spot every time? My classes went well and I am becoming acclimated to the new Phil teaching. I am hoping to get a nice rest tonight. I was lucky to have some lunch with friends today. One thing I have come to realize is how many friends I truly have and are willing to be there to help me out. I am Blessed.

A Day In The Life. . . . .

Rain is still here, cool temperatures still here, front is still here, headaches still here. I know this may sound off but will I think I have a headache when I don't and then it will only be in my head. LOL! I am getting good at putting my leg [AFO] brace on and putting my shoe on. I never realized how hard it is to participate in life, work and errands, without the ability to drive yourself. I am VERY grateful to all of you who drive me. I do like seeing the different habits people have and I enjoy just being able to watch others on the road and not have to worry. Another plus is I can use my cell phone to call or text without any issues. I did come home from teaching my classes very tired and fell asleep for TWO hours. I did some prep work for school and clients tomorrow but I am still wiped out. I think this is the hardest part to get use to, even if I want to go or plan on it my body says "It is not going to happen". I will say I am beginning to listen more and obey. Still I will exercise and do what I can going forward. This is my longest safety period going, and I will continue to be aware and careful to continue it.

Its Just another day. . . .

Well Monday, teaching and physical therapy. Last night was not so restful, Beth seems to think and I agree, that this weather change and all increases my headaches. Unlike before my stubbornness on resisting medications is lowering and I am giving in. LOL! I need to rest and this cold wet weather will not be my friend. Andy who does my physical therapy now worked me hard, doing the exercises and stimulation. With help I saw my left foot move, that gives me such hope. I have ten days in a row without a fall. It is amazing to me how I see more helpfulness in younger people sometimes than I do in the adults. Tonight we went to the grocery store and four adults stood in the door way just chatting making it very difficult for me to get through. Even though they could clearly see I had a cane and did not walk well. One thing God is teaching me is a lot of things I took for granted, not fearing electrical cords on the floor, how the height of something makes a difference, somethings cannot be rushed [walking with a cane and unresponsive leg]. I had a student who was said she was having a bad day because she missed the bus and had to walk in the rain. While I admitted that was not the best we both realized that at least she has the ability to 'walk' while some do not. It is amazing how many little things we can take for granted in life, well how many I seem to have taken for granted.. Blessings

September 27th

It is hard to believe that it has been two months since my surgery. I tried to have a restful day to day. I woke up and the muscle's of the leg felt tired but I exercised the leg today. My toes, which they call 'clawed' are pulled down and back with constant tension. It is hard to get use to the constant tension of the toes. My progress has really slowed down from where it was but I am still making progress. Yesterday morning I was able to pick my left foot up and clear the tub to put it flat on the floor. I have been unable to do that prior. The height is about 18 inches, so progress is progress. The headaches remain but Beth reminds me of the change in weather and that it could be a cause. Thank you for the continued prayers.

Friday September 25th

Yesterday went well with teaching and clients. Well finally the weekend is here. To start with I had a client to begin my day and then off to my physical therapy. Therapy was nice and very encouraging. I am so glad that I switched therapists, this one works me trying to strengthen my leg muscles and uses electrical stimulation to stimulate the muscles to life. I love seeing the muscles react indicating that there is still life and connection there. Later on I went to a men's retreat gathering at church titled "Letters from Dad". It was awesome and I am eager for tomorrow when it finishes up. It has been a long week as my sleep has been only about an hour and a half at a time before waking up and then back for my next hour and a half. The doctor told me that many use a recliner for sleeping up to the first four to six months after surgery. I may try it if it doesn't get easier soon.

Sept 23rd

Well today was most interesting. They decided there was a need to have a fire drill at the beginning of my second class. Problem? Well my class was on the top floor, the elevators are shut off and the fire stairs were made in the 50's so they were only about 6" wide. Not having control over my left leg and foot there was not a lot of real estate for my foot to catch. So with ten flights to go I had my work cut out for me. After two flights I almost went face first down the next flight. Well due to that I decided to take it slow and not injure myself for a 'pretend' play time of fire. I told all the students around me to feel free to go around and go ahead. To my surprise they said "No that is ok we will walk with you". I was really surprised that some were at least some care and concern. I did almost fall two more times but made it safely. When I got down and out of the building they ordered us across the street. It is a four lane road one way so traffic was present, being in the heart of the city of Rochester. I was so tired at this point I figured 'hit me but I will go at my pace'. All went well and there was no fire, go figure. I saw clients afterwards and that put my finish to my day. It is nice to help people in life. On the way home Beth stopped for gas and we both agreed that Phil stays in the car. This was the same station I fell at last week . I am determined to stay fall hitting head and bleed free for more than my eight day record.

Tuesday

I am able to pick my left foot up in the air about 6 inches so that is a start. It was not a bad day, headaches and being tired seem to always there. I exercise my toes and stretched my muscles along with doing some exercises to keep working my leg. What I am discovering and will not soon forget is how some people seem to ignore those who may need some assistance. I am learning how a simple thing like an electrical cord on the ground can become a hazard for some, like me. Seeing life through a whole new perspective. Well I guess I will take some med's for my headache and hope for a restful nights sleep. Thank you for the prayers.

Monday Sept 21

Last night was a very restless night and I don't know why. My left leg that is somewhat paralyzed sometimes the muscles hurt and keep me awake. Taught my classes for the day but when I got home I felt tired and so I layed down on the couch. Well you probably guessed it, I was asleep in like twenty mintues and before I knew it 5 o'clock rolled around. I think my gains are a lot slower than before, but so be it I will take them no matter how small. A gain is a gain.

Sunday

Well thankfully the weekend was quiet, for that I am grateful. I tried to take it easy and watch what I was doing to keep my head safe. LOL! I was able to do some more work around the house, finishing up the pool for winter and all. I found out that after about twenty minutes I tire out and need a break. Beth and I had a lot of activities to do and I discovered that as my surgeon said I will experience periods of suddenly feeling tired and I still do. It is hard to try and explain to some people how I can suddenly start to feel tired. I am so thankful to all those who are open to giving me rides so I can continue my life helping others and getting my needed help. Well off to another week of teaching and I actually get to administer my first tests this week to all my classes too.

Friday September 18th

Well, after falling yesterday and cutting my head open yet again, I rested a bit last night and sleeping in a bit this morning. My head still hurt a bit this morning as I worked on prepping for my classes next week. I also went to my physical therapy visit which is with the one I was seeing before anyone knew of the brain tumor. It was great to be back and the therapy was challenging and rewarding. Just what I wanted and was praying for. We went out and say the new movie The Informant then home for some food. As we were leaving the movie I noticed some others leaving and I had to share the handrail with some other elderly people leaving. The difference was they were at least twenty years older. Then a gentleman at least ten years older than me assisted me twice in different ways. As I walked to the car I thought of the 'reality' I have in front of me. I may actually need different types of assistance, I have never planned on being in this position at this age in life. I think of the magnet Beth has saying "We plan and God laughs", not to say God laughs at our situation but that we can be foolish to plan and should be open to God. I am going to continue to work hard with Andy [my new pt] and on my own time but I am now looking that where I am at and what capabilities I have may be all I will have. As I said I am grateful that people like that gentleman are willing to help me, it is just that for all my life I have always been the strong one to help others and now I am on the receiving end. It is difficult to adjust with this new normal in front of me. Above all though I will not lose sight of the fact that God is Blessing and He has Blessed me and I am grateful. I will learn and enjoy as I learn and grow into the life.

Thursday

Well today started out great. I taught my classes and then off to the office for clients. That was good too. I did what exercises I could as I try. We stopped for gas and Beth was going to pump the gas. I thought I would help her to be nice. I opened the door and it would only open a little over half way. I noticed it and commented on it but went forward to get out. Well you guessed it because as I got out of the car to help Beth pump gas I lost my balance and down I went. I tried repeatedly as I was falling to gain balance but I could not. I came close to knocking Beth down too as between gas pumps and auto there was no where for me to grab or balance. I remember thinking as I was falling, "God I am powerless to help myself". I tried so hard while falling to react and recover but I couldn't do it no matter how hard I tried. So I hit my forehead against the car and then the back of head where it was sewn and trying to heal. I started bleeding and Beth checked me out and got me home. I am still learning that the agility I have enjoyed for 52 years is no longer. A hard lesson to learn. The bleeding was not that bad and after some ice along with Vicodin pills I am doing much better. I just cannot get the helpless feeling out of my head of falling down and unable to do anything about it. Blessings.

Long day

Well today was both long and a new learning experience. Classes went well and I did my exercises. The exercises are not all that easy, they are challenging. I did something new for me though which was calling it a day early. I just got too tired and so I actually went forward and called it quits for the day, cancelled an appointment and went home. I have a hard time not being there for other people who truly are asking for help in life. Hard to explain but even more difficult for me to pull back.

September 15

Well what can I say Beth [and some others] think I am pushing myself too much. I am trying to find that balance between all the avenues of my life. Between teaching, therapy, clients and group meetings it is difficult. I am actually seeing that my life was and is very rewarding as I only want to get back to everything I actually enjoy doing. Still I must find a balance, a new normal for me as I know that the current one is still too much for me. I am becoming very determined that I can regain a lot of usage of my leg.

September 14th

Today I decided to call my primary care doctor and switch physical therapist's. The therapist I am going back to is the one who last summer worked with me before they discovered my tumor. His name is Andy and he was primarily the reason I kept what usage I did of my leg. I really believe his concern is for me to re-gain as much use of my leg as possible. I will not give up and give in so easily. Faith is not about giving up but instead asking why not. So I will press on and continue to have faith, one thing I know for 'sure' is that God is always in control no matter the outcome. A very dear and close friend gave me a book while I was in the hospital and I just finished it this past weekend titled "The Shack" and it was fantastic. If you have not read it please I encourage you to do so.

Sunday September 13th

Today was nice, I did my exercises both in the morning and the night. I will not give up nor accept that a short four weeks of rehabilitation is half of my recovery. I was told by my surgeon that it may take 4 to 6 months before we know for sure. I also decided today to try and do some 'normal' activities so I grilled outside as I had before. I have not grilled outside in about three months and it felt great. I hope to rest well tonight as this will be my second full week teaching Monday to Thursday. My exercising was nice and I believe I see improvements and will keep going forward as far as I can. : )

Saturday

Well today had both good points and some not so good. I shared with Beth how I do not want to be negative in my update. Yesterday at my physical therapy visit the head therapist said she sent a discharge date to my doctors for the end of October. Looking at how many more visits that is I am half way through my rehabilitation. My concern is I have less use of my leg than I did before the surgery by far. My thought is if I am half way through and I have only about 25% usage and looking at being released from rehabilitation means I will not re-gain the 80 to 100% use back. Of course there is a piece of me that says "they are giving up" and I am not. I think about my Trans AM and if I cannot move my left foot up, down or to either side then I cannot drive her again. I mentioned this to my therapist and she a few times during our talk pointed out that during surgery there could be damage done to the brain that cannot be undone. So basically accept where I am at, but I am having a real hard time because that means I will not be able to interact with little Molly or other future grand children. :( I keep thinking back to Kate saying a new normal and I am discovering that even yet. Today I trimmed my last eight bushes which felt good to accomplish it but was tiring. I am still exercising my leg and I am trying to get a mind set that is one of "they are under estimating me and my God". If it is His will that I do not gain any more use then I will accept that, but only if that is His will. I will continue to believe that usage of my leg will come back to 80 percent or more. So I hope this report does not seem down as my intent is to look up and forward to living and enjoying life.

Sept 10 Thursday

Sorry I haven't updated in a few days. I can tell you it has been a long week. Teaching my four new classes this week, seeing clients and attending a support group I developed (was going to lead) has been a struggle. It is a lot to deal with and I am seeing that I expect Phil to live up to what he would have been able to provide before the surgery happened. Well I am learning that is not going to be the case as much as I may want it. I guess no matter how determined I might be I can only push my recovery so much. People have been great in coming to my aid in rides. I have my first physical therapy visit tomorrow in about ten days. It will be nice to get some therapy but I am wondering how being away from it will be. I have been told that it may take 6 months to a year for me to re gain usage. I will say that the people around me say that I am doing much better and I am making improvements as far as I can tell. I do know that Kate said I had to learn a new normal and I am constantly learning it. Every time I think about learning a new normal I think of Kate and her saying that to me.