Will it change

I have waited a few days to update wanting to put something in that was different, new, uplifting. Truth is there is not much to report, again I do not want to let myself go toward a negative mode. Going to a negative mode is so easy for anyone to do and I want to avoid it. Something I see myself facing more and more is that I hear those close to me saying how willing they are to help yet I see behaviors that they are growing tired of helping. My problem is as I recover I am almost at my four month mark. The surgeon told me that that recovery is open the first six to eight months possibly to a year. He did indicate that eight months is a good mark as far as how much recovery or gain back I will get from my paralysis. Well that means I have anywhere from another two to four months to gain more movement. My left foot which has atrophy of the muscles to the point that it sits at a 45 degree angle with the inside up and the outside pulling down. Though the mis-diagnosis or missed diagnosis and my own stubbornness I tried to self compensate for the problems last April. So April, May and June I would mow my yard two times a week constantly twisting my left foot stepping down on the outside which strained ligaments. When I walk the foot shakes when it is tired, muscles fatigued or when I first wake up. I still lose my balance while walking with no brace in the evening. Tonight as I was stepping up from our familyroom to the kitchen my left foot only made it half way to the step up and when I had to bring it back down it turned and I stepped down on the side of it. It was very painful yet again. I fear that if I do not gain a lot more usage then I will be letting down those around me because they are already beginning to act as if I have more capabilities than I do. When Kate said learn a new normal it was more than me, as those around me, close to me need to also accept my new normal. My new normal may be, and probably will be considerably less than I once could do. I am not looking for sympathy but as I struggle to accept what I can and can not do it seems some of those around me are not. I use to walk up and down the stairs to the basement no problem. If there was a task to do around the house, paint a room, fix something on my cars, mow the lawn, snowblow the driveway I would just do it. Now I have to sit and plan, I can only make so many trips up and down, it takes lots of time to do the stairs. I am thinking to myself today, will I be able to snowblow my driveway this winter? If not then I need to decide now so I can have someone plow it to get in and out of the driveway. So many things in life that are simple or easy for people to do are now tasks for me to accomplish. I will strive to build endurance, build strength and gain more movement so I can do more this way those who expect me to be able to do what I use to do I might please. It is hard, I will go forward, I will continue to pray for help and guidance. What ever the final outcome I will accept it and learn to live with my final new normal. I do not want to sound complaining as that is not my intention but maybe if you know someone who is trying to rehabilitate from something that just maybe they will not be able to what they use to be or do what they use to do. They may need help and your support for time to come. Like I say what generated this is that some near me seem to be growing tired of my need for assistance and understanding which unfortunately may not change much and I have absolutely no control over that, but rest assured I will continue to fight to get back every muscle movement and control I can muster! I do so much appreciate those who are doing for me and everything they do. This week while Beth was gone I had people who were strangers to me but heard of my plight and picked me up every morning at 7 am to take me downtown so I could teach. That was so fantastic! I thank them for their generosity to me.